anxiety

December 3, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

what a weird week
said multiple people these past seven days
not necessarily bad
(nor good either)
just
weird.

and i have to agree;
going from being terrified to submit to anything,
theatre/
film/
voiceover/
experimental/
at all
(for fear of the inevitable
no-reply rejection)
i submitted to three things in two days
and got auditions for over half
(still have to audition,
but damn
does it feel like
the relief
of crawling out of a ravine
but looking up to see
more walls surrounding you
again)

man

i chose this.

November 26, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the mood:
negative

the mood:
dour

the mood:
almost happy
for a little while

the mood:
existential

the mood:
hopeless

the mood:
hopeful
for once
hold on to it

it’s gone

the mood:
emptiness
is there a mood at all?

the mood:
cyclical
i should be used to it by now

the mood:
ever-changing
ever-growing
ever-morphing
into a new mood
a new emotion
a new thing to think and remember and grow

the mood:
i’m not worried
about my mood
(is
this
happiness?)

the mood:
how did i even get here?
to this place?
to this age?
to this mood?
to this hair?
to this me?

the mood:

the mood:

the mood:

[did i discover anything of substance?]

November 11, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i just
want to do
something
with my hands

embroidery
or sewing
beading
or cross-stitch

i’d try crochet
or knotting up friendship bracelets
at this point i’d give wire jewelry-making a go

but my brain
when i sit down
with supplies
and a project in mind
it gives no explanation
but simply says
no

so my hands fidget
and my body holds in the pressure
of anxiety about to explode
but my depression-ridden brain
becomes its own worst enemy
it laughs in the face of my wants and desires
and it only
ever says
no
no
no
no
no

October 11, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

oh no
the anxiety
it’s coming
it’s here
it’s pulsing
fluttering
buzzing
it’s blossoming
like a spiky rose
a giant sunflower
blooming unbelievably
over my head
(though i should believe—
i know
i’m small)

the beauty of anxiety
is not to be confused
with how it feels inside—
fluttering heartbeats
expectations of failures
the writing
and re-writing
and re-re-wriiting
of this poem
countless times
(and none of them will ever be enough)

no

the beauty of anxiety
comes from the knowledge
the observance
the wisdom
that the cycle is never-ending
and what you thought was healing
was really just a bending
of psychological mishaps
into a faint shadow of mental health
that you thought was a calm against the storm—
but the running against the clock
of the battery conking out
(and the files saved in an un-safe way
and the computer trying hard on its last legs
and everything feeling like its falling apart
even thought you know you could [have] do[ne] something to stop)—
that’s anxiety
and that’s the beauty and the ugliness
the ‘you could have changed computers months ago’
‘you should have charged your laptop last night’
‘you really need to clear out space
in every device
you live
your life
inside’
but you didn’t
you don’t
you never do
because somehow
the experience of anxiety
relies heavily
on knowing what you could/should do
and never having done it
because somehow
you feel you
deserve
this

dread.

October 8, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

first shift
at the front dest
first shift
to show my responsibility
first shift
of a work-study
that could mean so much more
(it already does
the family
of course)
first shift
don’t let your anxiety
your overthinking
get in the way
of just
enjoying
your
first shift
first shift
first shift
of many

August 23, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

if i were to write
a letter/poem/something to my younger self
would it be
simply
“you don’t need
to protect
your whole sex/gender/age group”?
“you don’t need
to stick up for
all cats
everywhere”?
“you don’t need to
put the entire world’s burdens
on your tiny shoulders”?
and is that still
what i need to tell myself
today?

August 22, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i am often obsessed
with the temporary temporality of things
having seen what i thought to be permanent
snatched from me in less than a moment
while my eyes were blinking
while i turned away…

i’ve heard a great calmness can come
from seeing where you are
in the “grand scheme” of the universe
and admitting to
the smallness of self.
but for me, it was always about control—
the bigger the universe,
the harder it would be to put my mark on it
and i’ve always admitted to expecting from myself
the impossible.

but just now
i saw my two anxieties
come together in a release:
this home we love
and fill with stuff that does spark joy
is temporary
and someday it will be gone
and our sun will explode
and this planet will become nothingness once more
so it doesn’t really matter
if we put a bunch of mismatched plants around our windows
to give ourselves some tiny fraction of dopamine,
it doesn’t matter if we have
the cleanest house or
the perfect background for tiktoks or not;
whatever brings us joy
in this moment
is all that matters
because it could be gone—
it will be gone eventually—
so this moment
is all that matters
this moment
is all that matters
whatever makes us happy
and enjoy this planet
in this moment
is all that matters

(and if we leave the planet
a little better
a little more sustainable
a little bit happier
for the generations to come,
not only will that give to others,
it will also set
our souls
at ease
far more than the stress of
being a household name
or keeping everything given
or being perfect in anything at all
would
in this moment
in future moments
in any moment.)

August 11, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

on pumping myself up (and all that entails) :

you can do it!
[i can do it]
the coffee will help!
[but it’s not a necessity,
because i can do it on my own!]
yes, you can do it all on your own!
just go into the thing, and change the other thing
[very specific of you]
thank you.
but for realz, who cares if anyone gets upset?
it’s your name
your identity
what makes you feel good/
gender euphoric/
most yourself
[and if i run into another issue
about ‘how names should be formatted’?]
well, then, that’s the patriarchy,
and your know what we do to the patriarchy…
[burn it down!?!]
burn it down!!!

…but also, logistics/red tape/maybe a strongly worded letter
[mmm, strongly worded letters…]
much better than politely worded letters, don’t you think?
a way to get out your ire &
not to freak out about the writing of an email
because it needn’t be perfect,
but it must be passionate
[but what if they don’t believe me
because it’s not perfect?
or what if the person who gets the email
believes the same as i do
and i ruin their day
because not only did they get ire
all sent towards themself,
they also can’t do anything
about it
and that makes them feel worse???]
…
i mean, we don’t even know if we need to write a strongly worded letter
yet,
first we need to try to do the thing
and i feel like
both this poem
and the overthinking
are ways to avoid
just doing the thing;
staying complacent
in this quite simple and adjustable lot in life
so…?
are we gonna do it?
[…
…
…yes?]
yes!
do it!!
you can!!!

[update:
i did it!
it was easy
but then…
memories!?!?

ugh, the social medias…]
ugh…