alright
okay
just write your silly little story
in the morning
when you’re already on a laptop
and you’re already at the keyboard
and you’re already scanning your mind
for words and concepts and
you have the time
you have the time
why not write when you
have the
time?
the day after a show
but so much happened
on top of it
a meeting
a surgery
an emergency allergy reaction
[not mine tho]
and i can hardly revel in the feeling of the show
[or
even berate myself for
not promoting it
more]
except for the moment
i stayed in the moment
afterwards
talking
with the lovely lovely people involved
i think they’re all so rad
and i’m so glad
i got to tell them so
feeling like i just want to fall asleep
and stay asleep
at any given moment
of any given day
and is it depression?
is it the exhaustion of an
active allergic reaction?
am i just a little bit less
energetic
than the average
person?
could it be something i’m not even thinking of
yet?
or do i just want to spend my days lost in my own imagination land?
[and
could i bring that imagination
into my own waking
writing
life
sometime?
soon?
please?]
here i thought it was the
‘having an actual regularly scheduled job’
that was making the days long
and the nights
rough
but i think it’s actually this
unknown
allergy
type
thing
because it’s hard to be awake
and itchy and inflamed
and it’s hard to fall asleep
not knowing what your body is going to do to you
next
pondering
pondering
pondering
mulling
thinking
and writing
and honoring
honoring
honoring
those who came before me
a silly delicious homemade pizza
a silly, hilarious homemade ttrpg
a brutal cliffhanger ending
and i can’t wait to go back to play
to see what’s going on in this
[home]brewed up story
i wish i could just
relax into knowing
i know something
but instead the anxiety decides
to show up right at that moment
and “release” me from feeling
good about
anything
and instead
i feel
stupid/foolish/in over my head/a fraud
a straight up, full on imposter
how will i ever feel
like i’ve achieved
anything
if this is what my brain chemistry
does to me
every
single
time?
getting excited about experimentation
and viewpoints and compositions
and stupid hackathons
[physical hacking
hot glue
silly embroidery]
tho
why do i just want to make poetry
out of
everything
ugh
just
ugghhh
~~~
the eyes itch
and the nose sniffs
and the exhaustion hits
and it may just be allergies
it’s probably just allergies
but it still makes me want to
cry for hours or escape into the night
or simply sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep
~~~
i will say
at least my allergist
seemed just as confused
and almost as frustrated
as i am
when he told me
i’m just a big
question mark
it’s destroying me
this whole “don’t touch the animals” track
we’ve been on lately
i am a puppy croodler
a cat lap person
a snuggler and kisser of all animals around me
[so long as they let me]
and petting them
brings me
such joy
but with the swelling
and the red eyes
and the misery that benadryl barely breaks up at night
i suppose not touching the animals
because i am
*technically*
allergic
is a smart move
[but the misery could also be alleviated
with a soft and floofy cuddle…]
[damn body
attacking me
for one of the few good things in my life]
kipventures 