ok
ok
yesterday and last night
were rough
were
depression
but this morning doesn’t feel nearly as
helpless
lifeless
hopeless
i hope it’ll stay that way;
i feel on a razor’s edge
and either side of me is
despair
[but hey, i’ve been taking tightwire classes, so
i should be better both physically and metaphorically
at balancing
here]
hike the paths deep into the woods
[after you’ve exited deep out of the parking lot]
and come upon a little village
always here
but only open part-time
of historical and fantastical
and magical and mystical
and sometimes [often] a bit [a lot] silly
the New York Renaissance Faire
there are countless [though i’m sure they’ve all been counted]
shops
and eateries
and stages
and shows
all boasting this as their home
[even if it only lasts from mid-august to
the very tip of october]
a beautiful place
an overwhelming event
a wonderful community
and a time to be had
by all
who want it
by all
who need it
by all
sometimes moments from my teenage self come back
to haunt my waking world.
like there’s a baby hj floating around calling out
in forlorn echoes
‘remember when you did this thing?’
or
‘remember that time your friend said that?’
and half the time i don’t actually remember
i just take them at their word
they’re closer to all that happening, temporally/emotionally, after all
[i hope they’d never lie to me]
[i hope i’d never lie to me]
[damn, i know for a fact that i’ve lied to me in the past,
what makes me different now/then…?]
i want to sing
and create my own music
and learn to speak french
and act in everything
and read audiobooks
and write my own
and sew
and embroider
and create my own clothes
and have my own youtube series
and cosplay
and learn how to calm down my perfectionism
and perform on a broadway stage
and continue to circus like my life depends on it
and i feel like i have not enough time in one life to do it all
but i know other people who do
so maybe i can do
at least some things
if i start
and continue
and really really really try
perhaps
i’m not as dissociative as i have always/often concluded i am
perhaps
i’ve been in the moment this entire time
and it’s a coping mechanism
to convince myself
i’m not
like it’s a coping mechanism
to pretend you are over
love
when all we have is love
when all we are is love
ten years ago we had just gotten married
and had delayed our honeymoon to take
while i had the opportunity to perform
in the new york city international fringe festival
and so we were here
ten years ago
in a summer heat wave
staying in a fancy hotel
in times square
two introverts
constantly overwhelmed
and at the end of that trip
ten years ago
we both agreed
that we did not like nyc
and would never
ever
ever live here
jokes on us ten years ago
because, over the last six and three quarters years
i have learned what it is to love
a place
because new york and new yorkers
have taught me so many things
about living and diversity and togetherness and community
and perseverance
and humor
and art
i don’t know what my life would be like living any other place
but i’m damn glad kip found parts of this city away from tourism hell
and we found our little pocket of nature and quiet in the middle of
the city that never sleeps, and i still get so excited
to go downtown and i still get so excited
to come back home and i still can’t believe
we live in this magical, dirty, weird, unique, and wonderful place
that ten years ago i hated so hard
i love it here
i’m enjoying far more
mending and creating my clothing
than shopping and searching and trying on and purchasing
let’s hope that joy stays when i attempt
more complex items in the coming
months…
[and that i can create things
for kip that kip loves
as well]
if still alive
my mom would be celebrating
her 40-year wedding anniversary
with my dad today
i knew there was a reason
i was drawn to wearing her
bright sunflower clothes this morning
i spend so much of my time
and mental energy
avoiding doing anything expected
anything cliché
anything too human-made
which is so incredibly silly
because i, myself, am human-made
biting my lip
the same spot
in the evening
in the nighttime
while i’m sleeping
during morning walks
all because i have
the anxiety that hits me
in my bones
in my core
in my head
in my heart
in my brain chemistry
in my fidgets
in my panics
in my subconscious
in my conscious state
in everything
even when i’m relatively
not worried
i’m still
so
worried
