performing
anxiety
anticipation
excitement
fear
hope
acting
for better or worse
it was my first training
it was my most training
it is the time that i feel the most myself
on stage
even with the
anxiety
and fear
there is always still
anticipation
to excitement
to hope
[if you’ll be in nyc
tomorrow, may 17th,
come on out!]
what will Pride be like this year
with our government in shambles
and all the blame for
everything
placed on the shoulders of those
who pioneered the struggle and marches
that today’s parades are based on
will rainbow capitalism
make an appearance
or are we simply
closer to Sylvia and Marsha P’s era
than we ever have been
before?
[and will that help
in community-building
and getting back
to what Pride
actually means?]
a play
made of poetry
an art experience
guided by the muses
turning the mirror back on
the artist himself
a connection
with a group
who might just make new york
worth staying
if
we’re staying
the panic had receded
slightly
right around the trip
[maybe it’s because
i was travel-stressed
so i had no room in me
for any other stressors]
[maybe it was just the magic
of a trip
of a visit
to people i love]
whatever it was, i even felt less
the stress
of coming back here — opportunities seemed
gettable
achievable
doable
and i felt like i could march right in
to anywhere
and at least ask for what i want with my life
but now that i’m back
the existential dread has set right back in —
i barely had a day and a half
before i was sad
and panic-ridden
and overwhelmed
and lonely
in this city of millions and millions and millions
and yet i love it here
and it is definitely home
and i ache for it when i leave
how do you do this, nyc?
driving past places
i’ve driven past
hundreds of times
and to see so many
unchanged
still there
on that road
made me feel
almost like i’m unchanged
and i’m still the me
from five years ago
living in madison
living for the now
and the potential
to make it as an actor
in nyc
what was i placed on this planet to be?
spotted lantern flies
cursed our existence
outside
one year ago
this year there are still some
but they seem few
and far-between
and i’m hoping that means
that we as new yorkers
got together and destroyed
[/are still destroying]
an invasive species
that hurts our ecosystem.
as many faults as i can find with nyc
from living here for five years
that is one thing i gotta hand us —
when we have a task
to better our neighborhoods
that we can all get behind — we do it
and we do it
good.
the slow increase of volume
the rumbling to shuddering
greater and greater until the only logical expectation is
a violent crash
or a collapse,
and then to just
rumble back down again
into quiet
into nothingness —
all that’s left is my heart still echoing the great shuddering
because i’m not used to it
i’m not familiar
i don’t know what to expect
i don’t know if my house will continue to stand after this
nor after the second
but we’re all still here, and we’re all still fine —
and the memes are just
sublime
[my very first/and very second
earthquake]
the skies opened up and cried for Palestine
as we stood and listened and walked and chanted
and we can’t give up until all of us are free
no we can’t let go until we are all free
is it true?
that hearts synchronize in beat beat beating rhythms
when sitting in an audience
of a performance
i agree —
i want so badly to believe —
and it probably comes from some sort of truth
[there’s that study of church vs live musical performance
and how they give the same
spiritually
significant
feeling]
and i know my heart’s emotions
synchronized with those around me:
gripping our chests
because we couldn’t reach deep
and hold our own hearts,
murmurs of agreement
of sorrow
of unthinkable pain and loss and struggles to keep humanity,
and humming catchy tunes as they remained stuck after the applause had ended,
and feeling as though the whole space —
performers
audience members
volunteers
everyone —
had hugged me and held me
as i
as we
listened to damn near unbearable story after unbearable story after unbearable story…
but we bore it,
and we were witnesses to it,
all
for the synchronization
of our
beating
hearts
it’s been a week
a week of anxiety and depression
a week of stress and relaxation
a week of guilt
a week of d&d and coffee
a week of overthinking and underfeeling
a week of underpreparing
in the hopes that
today
is much chiller
than last week
could have been
[i hope i did ok/
i hope i do good]
[performance this evening, 6:15pm eastern: http://tonyc.nyc/streampfp ]
kipventures 