NYC

August 22, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the panic had receded
slightly
right around the trip
[maybe it’s because
i was travel-stressed
so i had no room in me
for any other stressors]
[maybe it was just the magic
of a trip
of a visit
to people i love]
whatever it was, i even felt less
the stress
of coming back here — opportunities seemed
gettable
achievable
doable
and i felt like i could march right in
to anywhere
and at least ask for what i want with my life

but now that i’m back
the existential dread has set right back in —
i barely had a day and a half
before i was sad
and panic-ridden
and overwhelmed
and lonely
in this city of millions and millions and millions

and yet i love it here
and it is definitely home
and i ache for it when i leave

how do you do this, nyc?

August 14, 2024

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driving past places
i’ve driven past
hundreds of times
and to see so many
unchanged
still there
on that road
made me feel
almost like i’m unchanged
and i’m still the me
from five years ago
living in madison
living for the now
and the potential
to make it as an actor
in nyc

what was i placed on this planet to be?

July 28, 2024

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spotted lantern flies
cursed our existence
outside
one year ago

this year there are still some
but they seem few
and far-between
and i’m hoping that means
that we as new yorkers
got together and destroyed
[/are still destroying]
an invasive species
that hurts our ecosystem.

as many faults as i can find with nyc
from living here for five years
that is one thing i gotta hand us —
when we have a task
to better our neighborhoods
that we can all get behind — we do it
and we do it
good.

April 6, 2024

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the slow increase of volume
the rumbling to shuddering
greater and greater until the only logical expectation is
a violent crash
or a collapse,
and then to just
rumble back down again
into quiet
into nothingness —
all that’s left is my heart still echoing the great shuddering
because i’m not used to it
i’m not familiar
i don’t know what to expect
i don’t know if my house will continue to stand after this
nor after the second
but we’re all still here, and we’re all still fine —
and the memes are just
sublime

[my very first/and very second
earthquake]

March 3, 2024

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the skies opened up and cried for Palestine
as we stood and listened and walked and chanted
and we can’t give up until all of us are free
no we can’t let go until we are all free

February 21, 2024

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is it true?
that hearts synchronize in beat beat beating rhythms
when sitting in an audience
of a performance

i agree —
i want so badly to believe —
and it probably comes from some sort of truth
[there’s that study of church vs live musical performance
and how they give the same
spiritually
significant
feeling]
and i know my heart’s emotions
synchronized with those around me:
gripping our chests
because we couldn’t reach deep
and hold our own hearts,
murmurs of agreement
of sorrow
of unthinkable pain and loss and struggles to keep humanity,
and humming catchy tunes as they remained stuck after the applause had ended,
and feeling as though the whole space —
performers
audience members
volunteers
everyone —
had hugged me and held me
as i
as we
listened to damn near unbearable story after unbearable story after unbearable story…
but we bore it,
and we were witnesses to it,
all
for the synchronization
of our
beating
hearts

December 24, 2023

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making new
traditions
making old traditions
happier
making things work
in this snow-less escape
that is our regular every day life
in new york city

~~~

down the coffee
slip off to the holiday market
grab cider/
wine/
juice/
anything
to make a mulled wine
happen
and also some stickers
and also some goofy goofs
and also
some
potential
presents
for a new
present moment

~~~

silly,
i
already
know

July 18, 2023

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tho no one
likes
the un-airconditioned train
i still smile to myself
every time a new group enters
and makes the same
“awww, nahhh/no!”
when they realize
the car they’ve chosen
will only increase
the nyc heat

it’s the little moments that show —
we are more alike than we are different

June 26, 2023

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abandoned the Queer Liberation March
for our family
(but i think that’s what queer liberation means —
the choice to care for those around you,
for your family to be accepted and seen/
the queer love and joy (and pain and sorrow)
seen/ as equivalently normal
to straights
and cis’s)

so

while we no longer have the perfect track record
of only going to the Queer Liberation March
since moving to new york,
at least we retain our record
of never attending nyc corporate pride
(and that almost feels more apt
in this capitalistic grind consumerist colonizer society
of ours)