the panic
sets in
seasons shift
old memories
more people than i can handle
more emotions than i capable of processing
i just want to breathe
slowly
intentionally
and not feel like it’s simply a
mask
against my true
scared
self
anxiety
July 22, 2023
the nerves
of all this past week
seem to melt away like butter
the morning of the show
just because
i’m so tired
and achey
and sleepy
and in pain
that i don’t even have the capacity
to feel much
of anything else
…hooray?
July 6, 2023
course-correcting
my sail needs some attention
there are holes and rips and i can’t seem to get the tail-wind right
and i don’t know anything about sailing
so i don’t know if i’m getting this analogy at all accurate
but i do feel
like a little sailboat
in the midst of a great ocean
trying to catch a breeze
but the winds of executive function
keep blowing right through me
July 2, 2023
social events
breed
social anxiety
(and somehow there are people
who need this?!?!)
June 22, 2023
i sit here
at my keyboard
wishing to hold the solstice
in higher regard
wanting a celebration
a consistent practice
an honoring of some kind
and i know,
i know,
that i have the ability to do so–
i have the calendar
and adult wherewithal
and resources
to make this happen–
but i feel trapped
by the depression
that anticipates
the worst
of time flowing by
instead of celebrating
our earth still turning
my lungs still breathing
our days still day-ing
until they
no longer
do
June 17, 2023
the sin of being me
is punishable
through inside and outside means
and my brain can only get so far
in forgiveness
when it’s constantly fighting against itself
and my body seems to cling to living
as it falls apart
and resolves towards innumerable lifetimes
and my soul only ever seems to
chill inside/beside
all this angst going on around and around and around
but the dark part of me
[brain?]
[heart?]
[body?]
[other?]
it keeps reminding me
that i am punishable
i should be punished
through some means
hold my beer
i’ll do it
myself
[‘if you want something done right,’
right?]
June 14, 2023
hide in my hoodie
disappear into decades-long fiction
find a new hobby
a fresh kind of hyper-focus
and learn all of that
instead of knowing anything else
(the rest of the world is overwhelming anyway
might as well find ways
to enjoy time
here)
June 13, 2023
i don’t think
who you are when you’re stressed
is your “real true self”
nor do i believe
that it is somehow
not you at all—
i simply believe
that stressed-out-you
is another form of you,
and each individual person
has so many selves/
contains multitudes/
switches codes/personalities/dependent on the people
and situation
and personal pressures
(external and internal)
and to think that we should be
one consistent type of personality
through every sort of situational anomaly
is not giving humanity
any sort of grace
or depth
May 14, 2023
the mood settles
down
down
down
deep into the depths of the frown
my marrow molds me
not the opposite
and i need me to be
a little more flexible
a little more malleable
a little less conditioned to find any stress/any sadness
so permanent
that i find myself affixed to my future of
‘i’ve got the morbs
forever more.’
but can i/will i/could i?
[should i?]
April 29, 2023
having a thing
a project
an assignment
and a due date
brings out all the worst in me
in terms of school-wise planning and ability
i mean, i’m able to get to work
to get it done
(i got it done)
but i seem to be unable to finish
without a huge jolt of stress
and anxiety
the night before
it’s actually due
and this seems less than great
for my mental and physical health states…
kipventures 