every now and then i get scared
off from sharing this poetry blog because
what if my best poems are behind me
and those i invite to read only see now and upcoming
and never ever see the good stuff?
anxiety
July 19, 2024
why does emailing feel like an imposition
when others still call without first texting
or even text and expect an immediate response?
am i just
too careful
for my own
kind?
July 9, 2024
my heart has been beating
louder
lately,
like it’s trying to remind me that i have anxiety
[as if i ever forgot]
like if it beats harder
it’ll keep away whatever haunts my waking nightmares
[as if that’s ever been true
for anyone
in history]
like my own hand is squeezing every last ounce
of a will to live
to breathe
to be
out of it —
the last reserves
until november
until perhaps genocides themselves die down
but what happens if / when / if
what i hope will be calming
does not come to pass, and instead fate
doubles my heart rate?
will it then cease?
will it then quit?
will it explode like it’s threatened to a million times over
or will it somehow beat louder
harder
faster
faster
faster
faster
faster
faster
July 3, 2024
i’m careful
too careful
i know what could happen
[to anyone, not just to me]
and i work around those possibilities
those eventualities
but i never account for the time it takes
to account for all these things
i think i’ll be gone one hundred times over
before i live out all the lives i
planned for
July 2, 2024
into july
first day gone by
can’t exactly tell you why
i’m both calmed and concerned by
the month of
july
May 19, 2024
oh no
oh no
i have
the stress anxiety
thoughts of impropriety
about everything i could be doing
but am not
or even the things
i literally cannot
i’m stressed
my stomach a mess
and nothing will settle
me down
April 23, 2024
why is it that
when i am beginning to be social
on the social medias
i get so panicked and stressed and scared?
is the internet —
particularly the portion
with people one already knows —
really that frightful?
April 10, 2024
i feel like i have
whatever’s opposite of taking things
for granted
like i hold things as too precious
so as to prepare myself for the day
they are gone
[neither of these approaches
really help with
living in the moment though]
April 1, 2024
i no longer *have* to be anywhere
on april fools day
if it lands on a week-day
and for this, i am grateful
my school-years were filled with
mondays/tuesdays/wed/thurs/fridays
of april 1
and constant
constant
anxiety
it’s not even like i had a prank-gone-wrong
or anything mean like that
happen to me
directly
but i grew up in the age of
disney channel originals
and nickelodeon tv shows
and candid camera
and that one ashton kutcher reality thing
and just by virtue of being aware
of terrible
horrible
pranks
gave me a perpetual panic edge
every april first
[yes, just living in a society
with no personal experience
can change one’s
perception
of everything]
[there’s an implication here for something more,
societally,
but i’d rather spend this foolish day
chilling
and gathering
calmness around me]
March 28, 2024
focus
focus
focus
write the poems
and don’t get distracted
by the music
or the artwork
or the potential bagels
arriving
anytime
soon
focus
focus
focus
don’t be taken in by
the coffee beside you
or the potential trips
all coming up
or the gig
later today
or the stress
slowly
approaching
encroaching
focus
focus
focus
you just need 300 words
it’s not that difficult
it’s not that hard
it’s not a means to an end
but instead
a means to
a beginning
