why is it that
when i am beginning to be social
on the social medias
i get so panicked and stressed and scared?
is the internet —
particularly the portion
with people one already knows —
really that frightful?
anxiety
April 10, 2024
i feel like i have
whatever’s opposite of taking things
for granted
like i hold things as too precious
so as to prepare myself for the day
they are gone
[neither of these approaches
really help with
living in the moment though]
April 1, 2024
i no longer *have* to be anywhere
on april fools day
if it lands on a week-day
and for this, i am grateful
my school-years were filled with
mondays/tuesdays/wed/thurs/fridays
of april 1
and constant
constant
anxiety
it’s not even like i had a prank-gone-wrong
or anything mean like that
happen to me
directly
but i grew up in the age of
disney channel originals
and nickelodeon tv shows
and candid camera
and that one ashton kutcher reality thing
and just by virtue of being aware
of terrible
horrible
pranks
gave me a perpetual panic edge
every april first
[yes, just living in a society
with no personal experience
can change one’s
perception
of everything]
[there’s an implication here for something more,
societally,
but i’d rather spend this foolish day
chilling
and gathering
calmness around me]
March 28, 2024
focus
focus
focus
write the poems
and don’t get distracted
by the music
or the artwork
or the potential bagels
arriving
anytime
soon
focus
focus
focus
don’t be taken in by
the coffee beside you
or the potential trips
all coming up
or the gig
later today
or the stress
slowly
approaching
encroaching
focus
focus
focus
you just need 300 words
it’s not that difficult
it’s not that hard
it’s not a means to an end
but instead
a means to
a beginning
March 21, 2024
lost
by the wayside
trapped
by the tears i cry
[a prison made of droplets
would be very asethetic
indeed]
at least there’s the smell
of cotton candy coffee
to bring me back to
this
reality
[whether or not that’s what i need
is not to be answered right now…
…probably]
March 2, 2024
locking eyes
trans on trains
but it’s more than
‘i see you, you see me too’
it’s the
‘i might know you
from our silly rectangular social boxes’
and lo and behold,
check the algorithm —
there you are
and there i am, not so much sliding
but stumbling into your dms
saying, ‘let’s be friends’
[and blaming my spouse in the process]
and i’m too nervous about awkward connections
to check the reply
just yet
but i do know you have
replied
and i think that’s enough connection
for this socially anxious
ball of rainbows.
[but now the spouse wants to know…]
February 8, 2024
i had a dream
[a stressdream]
[a nightmare really]
where i was back in college
[musical theatre college]
[in canada]
and it was time for some sort of dance critiques
or juries
or something
but it wasn’t 2012
it was now
today
with the coronavirus and everything
and one of my dancemates
tested positive for covid
but still came in
and didn’t even mask
because it “wasn’t a big deal”
because
“everyone will get it a few times anyway”
because
“it’s basically just a cold
and i’m not even showing many symptoms
anyway”
anyway
anyway
[i don’t actually remember everything this person said
because i stopped listening —
i was filled with pure rage
and disgust
and loss
and panic
and i freaked out
and ran far far away
because if i can’t trust those in my own like-minded friend-group
who in the fuck
can i trust?]
i’m still heart-pounding
skin-paling
high on adrenaline
with the crash coming soon
and i don’t know how to soothe
my beat-up nervous system
because real life
isn’t that much
different…
January 3, 2023
pick at the nail polish
pick at the skin beside
pick at your lips and the inside of your cheek
with your teeth
as they glide over and over and over
searching for purchase
searching for purpose
searching for something to quiet the mind
and never admit to having anxiety
ever
ever
ever in your life
[a poem for someone
maybe someone
other than me]
December 11, 2023
a lot
a lot
a lot
is going on in my mind
is happening outside of my body
outside of my control
outside of my knowledge
and i can’t seem to let go
of the idea that i can (and should) be responsible
for everything
everyone
every action
every reaction
every moment in every time
and every time i remind myself
‘i’m just human
i’m solely mortal
i can’t change the past or the future’
i find a way to find fault in everything i’m saying
to myself
[maybe that’s why i don’t often speak up
when first meeting others —
i’m too busy
telling myself to
shut up]
December 4, 2023
keep going
keep running
someday
you’ll outrun
the pain
and the memories
and the flashbacks
and the reminders
and when you’ve finally gotten far enough away
then
and only then
can you fully feel the feelings without fear
(at least that’s what i hear)
kipventures 