my heart has palpitations
not real ones
but those that come from
worrying —
if this is all there is
if this is what i was meant to be doing
if there’s something more i should be trying
if adventure awaits elsewhere
if
if
if
pounds my heart
faster
and faster
and i can’t keep up
unless i
take a moment
and
cry
anxiety
January 16, 2025
half-formed poems
catastrophizing stuck in my head
until i think i’ll burst if i don’t
say
something
and then it’s there stuck in my throat
when i remember
actual
catastrophes
all while i’m too tired to sleep
and too sad to cry
and everything feels like a clock ticking down
down
down
but to what
inevitable
terror?
[or is this simply life in late-stage capitalism/climate crisis disaster?]
January 14, 2025
so
i woke up at 4:45
and played the game of
“what will put me back to sleep”
because my brain was too awake with
anxiety
so i learned some french
and sign language
and cuddled my kip and my puppy
and stared at a crossword puzzle
and the internet
and even tried
just breathing
but
by 5:35
i was still in my too-awake-era
and kip wanted to get up anyway
so we both placed some clothes on our bodies
and i bundled up with the dog on a walk
and fed both animals
and sat down to write
and now it’s just past 6:30 am
and it feels strange to stare at the outside
pitch black
and think about how i’ve been awake already
for almost two hours
but i suppose that’s what happens
when stress brain just won’t
turn
off
December 15, 2024
no
no
it’s not
2025
just yet
don’t write it
don’t fret
don’t worry
quite yet
[how did i know, though?
how did i know?]
[was it just the association
with ‘project 2025’?
or did i have a view
into that future
year
and know
it would be a shit show
even before it
began?]
December 11, 2024
at least there’s coffee
with the perfectionism
that stops my creative endeavors
at the beginnings of their journeys
at least there’s coffee
with my obsessive scrolling
and inability to
stop myself
at least there’s coffee
with the depression hounding me
day in and day out
and day out and day in
at least there’s coffee
when the world is dying
and humanity is giving me very little hope
that we’re anything but terror
on the earth’s surface
at least there’s coffee
at least there’s coffee
November 14, 2024
writing to video game music
feeling the pressure of the world
of life saying
‘you’ve been here before
you’ll get out’
but all i’m hearing is
‘you’ve been here before’
‘you’ve been here before’
‘this has all happened before
and it will happen again’
and i can’t stop my mind from spinning
into the cycles and loop-de-loops
of life
and feeling so dizzy
i want it to stop
i want progress
not necessarily a straight line
but something
more forward moving
than this
constant
back again
back again
back again
it’s like humanity never learns
[and that may be our downfall]
October 31, 2024
i want to write about halloween
and spooky times
and how much i love
this time of year
but i’ve been dealing with deep dark fears
of genocide
and our complicity in it
and how that makes political fallout
even more extreme
and i just want a candidate i can believe in
or a system i truly think is working
but instead we’ve got
this
[whatever this is
in terms of an american experiment
that probably shouldn’t have been tried
and we should have just left this land
and its people
alone…]
but i’m here
this is a fact
and there’s an ethnic cleansing happening half a world away
that i can see as i scroll in my own warm bed
another fact
and the choice between two candidates
two sides
of the same coin
still factual
and yet
one would bring about fascism
much
much
much
faster
[he has stated this in his plans all along — facts]
so i’m actually
for real
scared
afraid
for my life and liberty
and no, i’m not overreacting
[my favorite time of year
has been ruined by election anxiety
and i can’t even feel that affronted
because so much worse things are happening
all over
everywhere]
so please
vote
August 29, 2024
getting up the gumption to ask for something
even if you’re completely ok with the answer being no
is the scariest thing
[or
am i more afraid
of the answer being
yes?]
August 25, 2024
communication
through memes
when our own thoughts and feelings
are too
too
too much
August 22, 2024
the panic had receded
slightly
right around the trip
[maybe it’s because
i was travel-stressed
so i had no room in me
for any other stressors]
[maybe it was just the magic
of a trip
of a visit
to people i love]
whatever it was, i even felt less
the stress
of coming back here — opportunities seemed
gettable
achievable
doable
and i felt like i could march right in
to anywhere
and at least ask for what i want with my life
but now that i’m back
the existential dread has set right back in —
i barely had a day and a half
before i was sad
and panic-ridden
and overwhelmed
and lonely
in this city of millions and millions and millions
and yet i love it here
and it is definitely home
and i ache for it when i leave
how do you do this, nyc?
kipventures 