my natural state is chaos
but trauma made me so careful
and further trauma turned that care
into the curse of perfectionism

i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to get back
to my natural chaotic self
fully
[at least not without massive guilt and embarrassment and regret]
but perhaps i can work backwards
from overwhelming perfectionism
to simple care
and then maybe
possibly
one day
i’ll work backwards from full care
to balancing it with
a little bit of chaos
[as a treat]