i think my lot in life
is to fight fascism with
art
humanity
and softness
i don’t know how much of an impact i can make
but i can make you think about the fact that i don’t consider
fascists
humans
and perhaps that’s enough to get our brains working on critical thinking once more
contemplating civil unrest
and violence
and propaganda
and slippery slopes
and all the things that my mind is stuck on
daily
alongside the silly things
i have anxiety about
as well
if only my brain could give an indication of
what it actually is anxious about
because, if it’s the very real dangers
that are closer than people would like to admit
[though i will be fair here and give credence to the
systems in place to stop a war from happening, but
the state-sponsored violence is scary enough
already]
then maybe i have a mind that is
realistic
and preparing me
for potential trauma,
but
if it’s just freaked out about the menial
mundane
teeny tiny things
[and i’d actually do ok
in even more “unprecedented times”]
then maybe a medical intervention
to my anxiety is what is needed
at this time
but no, my distress
and obsession
bounce back and forth between
what are very real, but probably far away, fears
and overreacting to daily issues
most folks seem to deal with
mindlessly
i don’t want to lose my ability to be prepared for any eventuality
but, damn, this preparedness is killing me…
why isn’t it more acceptable
to protest with
citizenship?
[i mean, i know why
logistically
but wouldn’t that be an interesting world to live in
if it was actually feasible to do so?]
i never, ever thought i would identify
so strongly with a place
but my heart
leaps
at being called “a New Yorker”
and i can’t help but write
countless poems about
the place
and the people
and the identity
and my heart beats harder
and my anxiety lulls softer
when anywhere that reminds me
of my chosen home
[would i still feel like a New Yorker
if we fled to Paris
for safety?]
while we didn’t fall in love with Lisbon
like we thought we might
we definitely fell in love with Europe
and the fact that people here
seem to be a little bit more functional/
the democracies around here
definitely are more functional
than the shitshow we left
and are now approaching back
and Paris
the surprise contender
from least likely
to most
in our future endeavors
[is it just that we fall in love with
anything
that reminds us of New York?]
[is that the moral of this whole experience?]
kip and i have spent a fair amount of christmases
and new years[es]
in foreign countries
and i
personally
have spent a few july 4ths
far away from the united states
perhaps this could become another tradition
because, damn, i wouldn’t mind
never having to look at another nationalist capitalist display
of red, white, and blue
touting patriotism as a personality
to be sold and bought
at any price
it is very nice
waking up on the fourth
and not being reminded
of our country’s supposed “greatness”
because we are on a whole ‘nother continent
which believes more like we do —
that the united states has done
just about
nothing
to earn the term
great
[or maybe they don’t think about our country much at all
which is, perhaps,
even better]
whenever folks have asked me, lately,
how i’m doing
[as a regular “good morning”/“hello again!” introduction]
i always answer honestly
[because i really can’t not
unless i’m in the midst of going somewhere else
and only have the time for the word “fine”]
i’ve been answering
after a pause
“good? i mean, if i’m not thinking about
the state of the world
and our country
and the eroding rights
that no one in power
seems to be stopping,
yeah, i’m actually, surprisingly, doing well.
but, you know, the minute i think about
anything outside of myself
i fall apart”
and the folks who have asked me
nod in agreement
then sigh and shake their heads in disgust
and we begin a dialogue
about all the terror
located in our nations capital
[and all over]
and while this hostile government takeover/
overt turn into fascism
is actively terrifying and illegal and immoral
it is making it okay
to talk about government abuses
in the day to day,
and be honest
that we shouldn’t actually
be okay,
so i suppose i’ll give it that.
[strangely, does fascism bring us all in
closer to community
because we actively, finally, see
what we all so desperately need?]
faces of power
masking the faceless doing the dirty work
because a soldier could be found guilty
in a tribunal of war crimes
but apparently orange cheetos
and their sidekicks
are never going to face any
consequences
what a fucking stupid country
i’ll be eloquent tomorrow
today i just need to scream
~~~
that’s not true,
i’ll write today
because i’m too numb to just walk around —
my strength comes from feeling
but i can’t feel anything but frustration
for so many people who would vote against
their own self-interests
against their own inalienable rights
[i guess they’re kind of alienable now, right?]
i keep staring off into space
and getting lost in my own
worst-case scenarios
which all come back to the conclusion
“i simply don’t wish to be in this timeline”
which is especially strong, stemming from
“i’ve already live through this once — i thought we had learned.”
there’s a quote
in the miniseries Stakes
that’s part of the animated tv show Adventure Time
and it goes something like this:
[pause for me to find the complete quote, because i will]
the Vampire King asks Marceline:
“What’s the one thing you’ve noticed about the world since you beat me all those hundreds of years ago?”
to which Marceline replies:
“Everything repeats over and over again. No one learns anything because no one lives long enough to see the pattern, i guess.”
“But you’ve lived long enough.”
the Vampire King replies
and i kind of feel like i
have lived a thousand years
and seen the cycles and patterns repeating
over and over and over again
and am the only one who has learned
anything
[i guess it’s true what they say about studying history: you may not be doomed to repeat it, but you’ll be so frustrated as you watch everyone else repeat it that you lose all respect for humanity as a whole]
[i may be paraphrasing/adding to that, but the sentiment still stands]
~~~
i’m sickened
i’m scared
and i’m not even that frightened for myself — we’re in an overwhelmingly blue city
in the midst of a fairly solidly blue state
[and if New York were to secede, we’d be pretty
self-sufficient immediately]
i’m worried for all the folks who will be hurt
physically
emotionally
psychologically
from this egomaniacal walking talking cheeto
whose only desire
is to stay out of jail
and make himself more money
and the cult of hatred that follows him.
i wish i could believe in humanity
again/
ever
kipventures 