November 22, 2024

i think
i was enamored
in the myth of celebrity
that i wanted the concept of me
as an artist
more than i wanted
to make the art
i could make

and now that i’ve turned my whole perspective upside down
and realized that celebrity might be a little [lot] too much for me
i’m so lost in terms of what kind of art i’d want to make

but the art still flows through my blood
and makes a home in my bones,
but do i treat celebrity like a goal
or a disease i’m to avoid?

or

[more likely than not]

do i try to concentrate on my art
and turn my head away from all celebrity
good
and bad
and just live in the art
that’s in my head/heart/body/soul/me

November 15, 2024

i feel my ability
to create
has been sucked dry
by a cabinet that has yet
to even take power

and i don’t want to let it

the universe deserves art

art is what makes life worth living

it doesn’t even have to be spectacular, world-paradigm-shifting/
perspective-altering/makes-you-see-new-colors-on-earth
great
art

it just needs to be art

because every human is creative
and every human deserves to look at something
and feel —
even if that feeling is
‘i want to do that’
for inspiration
or for competition
or for proving something —
art takes humanity,
splits it into a thousand pieces,
and connects every piece of us
back with each other

and even if we only ever see two or three pieces
of ourselves
connect with others in our lifetime,
those pieces continue on:
in your stories to the friends you make later,
in one audience member’s recollection,
in your peers’ inspiration
and on to making their own creations

we all continue to live through our art
because humanity
is connection
and connection
is art
and art
is humanity
and all reversed and back again
and we cannot survive
as a species
without our art, our connection, and our humanity

so please, as defeated as you feel, artists, keep art-ing
i will
i just need to stream these feels into my art
first
and then maybe this poem will reside in the heart of someone else
who will help someone else
continue on
and
on
and
on
it
goes

November 10, 2024

are these truly my only two states?

so invigorated
because of immediate trauma
and helping my community
and working so well
in crisis

and

depressed and sullen and scared
and just hunkering down
for nap after sleep after nap
until i don’t know where the years went?

i want something
in
between

October 4, 2024

meander into my life
and i’ll appreciate you forever/
meander out and i’ll still
talk about you
lovingly
from time to time to time/
force your way in, and i’ll find space
in my heart
for everything you have to say
and everything you represent/
but force your way out
and i’ll never ever ever ever
ever ever forgive you

~~~

the trauma and angst is heavy this morning
and yet it feels brighter
and happier
than mornings have been
lately

~~~

capture the light of life
in poetry
and maybe
life will capture you
and kiss you
and place you back
gently
into the light

April 10, 2024

i feel like i have
whatever’s opposite of taking things
for granted

like i hold things as too precious
so as to prepare myself for the day
they are gone

[neither of these approaches
really help with
living in the moment though]

March 29, 2024

i can stare at pictures of me
and think
“what a baby”
while distincly remembering how adult i felt
at the time

now, i don’t know what i look like from the outside,
but inwardly,
i’m younger
than a baby —
a fetus maybe,
or not even yet imagined,
because i know so much less now
than i did
as a teen who grew up too fast.

December 4, 2023

keep going
keep running
someday
you’ll outrun
the pain
and the memories
and the flashbacks
and the reminders
and when you’ve finally gotten far enough away
then
and only then
can you fully feel the feelings without fear
(at least that’s what i hear)

September 25, 2023

at least i
can somehow make my
direst terrible feelings
fly
into beautiful words
and verses of pure emotion
while i sit by
and feel it
feel it’s
overwhelming me
daily

but in a few days/weeks/months maybe
hopefully
i’ll look back and think of it as art