September 5, 2026

writing exercises
that rely on memory
and childhood
always piss me off

the parts of my childhood that i only have
the foggiest of emotional memories of
were absolutely idyllic

the parts of my childhood
where i can actually picture
outfits and items and hear words and activities being done
those are at least shadowed if not fully enveloped in
approaching tragedy
and/or soon to be
trauma

don’t ask me to remember things
my brain has no clear memory of

and don’t ask me to partake in a “fun activity”
when everything i may bring up
may bring the room
down

[it is not a compulsion i’m working against —
it is simply the facts of my own
past]

September 1, 2026

raise your hand if you’re a grand schemer
who grew up with parents who supported
and encouraged your ideas, and had plans
of their own that you saw never come to
pass because of some combination of time
and effort and sickness and death and now
even though you still have such lofty goals
you know deep inside you that you’ll never
ever ever achieve them because your whole
life is predicated on the fact that plans
never
actually go through and get done to the
endings as wanted and though you still
try to start things you are aware that the
learned patterns and subconscious trauma
makes it almost impossible for you to
see anything through at all ever in your life

or is that just me?

August 14, 2026

perhaps
i’m not as dissociative as i have always/often concluded i am

perhaps
i’ve been in the moment this entire time

and it’s a coping mechanism
to convince myself
i’m not

like it’s a coping mechanism
to pretend you are over
love

when all we have is love

when all we are is love

August 9, 2026

biting my lip
the same spot
in the evening
in the nighttime
while i’m sleeping
during morning walks
all because i have
the anxiety that hits me
in my bones
in my core
in my head
in my heart
in my brain chemistry
in my fidgets
in my panics
in my subconscious
in my conscious state
in everything
even when i’m relatively
not worried
i’m still
so
worried

May 15, 2026

perfectionism kills

it kills creativity
it kills enthusiasm
it kills hope
and it kills souls

[if only my own words had any impact
on the chemicals in my brain that scream
‘that is true for everyone BUT you —
you are the one person for whom
perfectionism matters
MORE, it is
LIFE
OR
DEATH
and you MUST BE PERFECT
to survive…’]

March 15, 2026

hold your breath

count to ten
and count to ten
again

breathing reminds you
you’re still alive
though you’ve spent your whole life
dying
to die

compose yourself
expose your insides
for art
for payment
for friendship
for funzies
for a dare
to anyone out there
who may feel the same way
[though it’s so lonely
in one’s own mind
it’s impossible to imagine
finding company]

wander around
while catatonic to the ground
and know
it’s all in your head

[which is somehow supposed to make it
easier]

[what do they know]

August 20, 2025

as fall approaches
but isn’t quite here
not yet
not yet

the memories of late summers past
invades my mind
sans consent
[do flashbacks ever ask?]
and no matter how stable
and lovely
and mine
my life is today

i keep seeing

loss
upon loss
upon lost trust
upon that feeling of any control in life
fleeting though it may have been
stolen in an instant

and this current administration
certainly doesn’t help this
weird ptsd i’ve found myself in

everything seems to be
culminating in something
and i continue to avoid all emotions and memories
until absolutely
necessary

August 11, 2025

i heard a stat the other day
that straight depression
[and also perhaps straight anxiety
don’t know specifically, since the show
was only about depression management]
is so much easier to treat
than the intertangled combo of the two

and coming from someone who has been officially diagnosed
with major depressive disorder
and generalized anxiety disorder
[at the same time]
and feel like i’ve never known a brain
without the two holding metaphorical hands,
this sounds quite accurate

what gives me distress?
is it the depression?
is it the anxiety?
i honestly have a hard enough time differentiating the two
since they seem to egg each other on
like the “bad kids” at the back of the classroom,
and simply identifying one
or the other
is trouble enough
how would i even begin to just take on
one
or the other?

[and, honestly, i also have to ask
how
in the world
someone even could have one
without the other?]

watch
in fifty or so years
they’ll change the diagnoses,
and my particular issues
will be called something different
[and maybe, by then, they’ll have come up with
a great treatment regiment…
but for now, i just keep trying to keep them both at bay
as best i can
with the resources available
to me/
to us]

June 20, 2025

uncertainty
in what to write
in what to do
at any given moment
day
or night

the uncertainty
is what freezes me

not potential good
or bad outcomes
but all the options
showing themselves to me
beat
by beat
by beat
until
the overwhelm becomes too much
that inaction is the safest path to take

[but it actually
never really
is]