September flew by
in a matter of seconds
days filled with
stress and driving
and planning and writing
and arriving
in time to say goodbye
and the weeks between now and back then
feel like blips
made of minutes that took forever
and this whole month
took no time at all
time is a mortal construction
June 15, 2023
it’s already
the middle of the month
how does
time
go by this
much
May 15, 2022
how are we
already
halfway through May?
(i blinked and April was gone)
but nothing will ever compare
to 2020
and the collective pressing of time
lasting forever;
that March that took
approximately eight years
to pass
and past that
i honestly don’t remember
anything
until June
(it was all March, you see)
i joke that
“time is a mortal construction”
because of a show i was in
(i was going to say once,
but technically it was twice)
and 2020 really showed us
how much of our society
really goes in to
how we perceive
the passage
of time
(and the abolishing of dst this year
did nothing to help the case
of time being anything near
concrete)
(i read once
that the only true marker
that we have
for time passing
is entropy,
all the rest of it
is simply our
perceptions,
so…)
~~~
why
do i
constantly fall into the trap
of thinking that
i don’t deserve
a “big
ol’
breakthrough”™
in my depression
if i’m not at
rock
bot-
tom
?
i’ve looked back at times
in my life
in my time
with this struggle
that seem pretty near,
but i recall clear
as day and night
are far apart
that those particular times
felt like i could always go
farther
down
depression
looks different
for different
people
so why can’t i get it through
my tick-ass skull
that rock bottom
would look different
for me
than other people?
i am not in a place
of rock bottom now,
that i can guarantee
to you and to me,
but i do feel plateaued
in a way i’ve felt
for years and years and—
–i also shouldn’t fall into the trap
of thinking that a plateau
deserves breakthroughs
any less
than a drop past the
“point of no return”™
so why
do i
find excuses
in every place
i find myself?
~~~
the puppy
wants so badly
to be friends with the cat
she sits
as calmly as her little puppy muscles can muster
and waits
for a sign of friendship
the cat, on the other hand,
simply hisses
and growls
and hides
and sighs
as the dog takes that all as signs
that the cat is conversing
and she excitedly talks back
in whining yips
and barking excites
‘come play with me!’
she seems to say
‘let’s be friends! please!? pleeeeeease!?!?!’
but the cat
is already
halfway
up the stairs
to hide just out of plain sight
or tuck herself deep under the bed
and the dog still whines
and climbs on the couch
to wait for her to show her face
in another hour or two
and the puppy whines start up again
and the hisses too,
and i hope one day
they do
actually
become friends
but today that seems…
damn near impossible
May 14, 2022
May
is going by
in the blink of an eye
~~~
i wish
sometimes
that my brain would just
chill out
for a moment
(not calm down completely;
i’ve learned my lesson there)
no, just,
give me a moment
a minute
an hour
a day
where i can be awake
but not overwhelmed with all the
‘what if’s
and ‘what could be’s,
the worries
that constantly plague me,
the overthinking
that suffers me
to ponder out
eight million possible bad outcomes
to a leap of faith
(some even stemming from
an outcome starting out
on the positive side)
does anyone else
see
both the big picture
and all the minute details
and instead of finding solace
in the breaking down of tasks
into smaller, manageable steps,
you just get overwhelmed
with the amount of tasks
that goes into everything?
or is that just me?
~~~
a rehearsal
a conversation
both later
both to look forward to
but first,
bagels
(or perhaps homemade Indian food
for breakfast)
(we’re adults, we make our own decisions in this house)
May 6, 2022
when doing something
‘cringe’
as an 18 year old,
i was so stressed out
that i wasn’t acting like an immediate adult
in every way
but when pondering those
‘cringe’
moments now, 10+ years later,
i am struck with how much of a gosh-darn baby
i still was.
[and ‘cringe’ is a social construct anyway]
[like gender]
[and time]
May 4, 2022
concentration
is a little lax
may the fourth
(be with you)
and waiting for
cookies for breakfast
(should we get real cookie trays at some point?)
(probably yes)
it feels both like 5 am
and 10 already
but it’s only 7:15
and my brain feels disheveled
like my childhood bedroom i never cleaned,
but if i need
there’s coffee on my right side
and a puppy nestled into the couch
and a kip for conversations
distractions
cuddles
and sillies besides
so i suppose i should actually partake in this
morning ritual;
get some caffeine in my veins,
listen to this silly music,
and get on with my day.
December 31, 2021
time
sure is
a measurement
of
whatever
that was
and whatever
this will be.
December 27, 2021
i’d like to know
how
people do it:
accept the cycles of the earth
without resistance;
the changing of the seasons,
the darkening of days,
the yearly reminders
of time.
i try,
and i understand
logically
that this is how it goes;
there is no stopping
or halting
or pausing
or slowing
or adjusting
but still…
cycles make me sick.
i’ve never been able to accept them
internally,
so i’m certainly not going to be passive
about them passing
externally…
(i feel like i have a better way of explaining this
somewhere up my sleeve,
but right now
“cycles make me sick”
is the only thing i can register
as really getting across
what i have to say,
so i’ll stop here
and try to remind myself
that even the planet needs rest time,
and while time may not be
linear,
humans’ experiences of it is pretty near,
and maybe the problem is
i was simply built for another planet,
or at least another climate…)
November 28, 2021
also
when driving
takes the joy
out of the date of birth
(but time is a mortal construction,
both you and your spouse agree);
celebrating
the next day
is perfectly acceptable
(and even encouraged)
November 13, 2021
two weeks till my birthday
one week-ish till Sagittarius season
(which, to be honest, i don’t necessarily understand what that means)
but
now
here come all the feels:
the past
the present
the future
all combining
all narrowing in
(am i ever truly on the precipice of ‘something big,’
or am i simply in tune with the entire universe
and how there are big things happening
everywhere
for everyone?)
i often think about a tumblr post i saw once
where, in the afterlife, a person learns
that they have been every creature on the earth
through every lifetime.
so everyone they were mean to,
they were mean to themselves,
everyone they were kind to,
it was also towards themselves,
and from the tiniest ant
to the biggest trillionaire
through a [non-linear] time frame
they had been
everyone.
and to me, it is both a wildly self-centered,
and truly altruistic view
of life.
if the Universe is something that we share,
then perhaps we are not all one entity
bumping around/into each other
for all eternity,
but we are at least putting forth the energy we receive…
…and if we are like an apple
(keep up, i’ve moved on to referencing a tiktok video)
who exists in the third dimension
but can only find awareness of self
in the second dimension,
is there really a fourth dimension that we (as humans) exist in,
though we only have reference to ourselves in the third?
(or fifth and fourth, respectively;
i always forget where we are
and where our awareness ends.)
then my feeling of déjà vu,
and sensation of being too much for a physical human body,
was that simply a shadow of awareness
of my whole self
within the dimension of time
as it actually is,
not this linear strand
masquerading as time
as we mortals have constructed
(time IS a mortal construction)
and then, am i getting somewhere
in my thoughts
rather than feeling
so incredibly
stuck
as a human?
