time is a mortal construction

May 14, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

May
is going by
in the blink of an eye

~~~

i wish
sometimes
that my brain would just
chill out
for a moment

(not calm down completely;
i’ve learned my lesson there)

no, just,
give me a moment
a minute
an hour
a day
where i can be awake
but not overwhelmed with all the
‘what if’s
and ‘what could be’s,
the worries
that constantly plague me,
the overthinking
that suffers me
to ponder out
eight million possible bad outcomes
to a leap of faith
(some even stemming from
an outcome starting out
on the positive side)

does anyone else
see
both the big picture
and all the minute details
and instead of finding solace
in the breaking down of tasks
into smaller, manageable steps,
you just get overwhelmed
with the amount of tasks
that goes into everything?

or is that just me?

~~~

a rehearsal
a conversation
both later
both to look forward to

but first,
bagels
(or perhaps homemade Indian food
for breakfast)

(we’re adults, we make our own decisions in this house)

May 6, 2022

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when doing something
‘cringe’
as an 18 year old,
i was so stressed out
that i wasn’t acting like an immediate adult
in every way

but when pondering those
‘cringe’
moments now, 10+ years later,
i am struck with how much of a gosh-darn baby
i still was.

[and ‘cringe’ is a social construct anyway]

[like gender]

[and time]

May 4, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

concentration
is a little lax
may the fourth
(be with you)
and waiting for
cookies for breakfast
(should we get real cookie trays at some point?)
(probably yes)

it feels both like 5 am
and 10 already
but it’s only 7:15
and my brain feels disheveled
like my childhood bedroom i never cleaned,
but if i need
there’s coffee on my right side
and a puppy nestled into the couch
and a kip for conversations
distractions
cuddles
and sillies besides

so i suppose i should actually partake in this
morning ritual;
get some caffeine in my veins,
listen to this silly music,
and get on with my day.

December 27, 2021

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i’d like to know
how
people do it:
accept the cycles of the earth
without resistance;
the changing of the seasons,
the darkening of days,
the yearly reminders
of time.

i try,
and i understand
logically
that this is how it goes;
there is no stopping
or halting
or pausing
or slowing
or adjusting
but still…

cycles make me sick.

i’ve never been able to accept them
internally,
so i’m certainly not going to be passive
about them passing
externally…

(i feel like i have a better way of explaining this
somewhere up my sleeve,
but right now
“cycles make me sick”
is the only thing i can register
as really getting across
what i have to say,
so i’ll stop here
and try to remind myself
that even the planet needs rest time,
and while time may not be
linear,
humans’ experiences of it is pretty near,
and maybe the problem is
i was simply built for another planet,
or at least another climate…)

November 28, 2021

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also
when driving
takes the joy
out of the date of birth
(but time is a mortal construction,
both you and your spouse agree);
celebrating
the next day
is perfectly acceptable
(and even encouraged)

November 13, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

two weeks till my birthday
one week-ish till Sagittarius season
(which, to be honest, i don’t necessarily understand what that means)
but
now
here come all the feels:
the past
the present
the future
all combining
all narrowing in
(am i ever truly on the precipice of ‘something big,’
or am i simply in tune with the entire universe
and how there are big things happening
everywhere
for everyone?)

i often think about a tumblr post i saw once
where, in the afterlife, a person learns
that they have been every creature on the earth
through every lifetime.
so everyone they were mean to,
they were mean to themselves,
everyone they were kind to,
it was also towards themselves,
and from the tiniest ant
to the biggest trillionaire
through a [non-linear] time frame
they had been
everyone.

and to me, it is both a wildly self-centered,
and truly altruistic view
of life.

if the Universe is something that we share,
then perhaps we are not all one entity
bumping around/into each other
for all eternity,
but we are at least putting forth the energy we receive…

…and if we are like an apple
(keep up, i’ve moved on to referencing a tiktok video)
who exists in the third dimension
but can only find awareness of self
in the second dimension,
is there really a fourth dimension that we (as humans) exist in,
though we only have reference to ourselves in the third?
(or fifth and fourth, respectively;
i always forget where we are
and where our awareness ends.)
then my feeling of déjà vu,
and sensation of being too much for a physical human body,
was that simply a shadow of awareness
of my whole self
within the dimension of time
as it actually is,
not this linear strand
masquerading as time
as we mortals have constructed
(time IS a mortal construction)
and then, am i getting somewhere
in my thoughts
rather than feeling
so incredibly
stuck
as a human?

July 31, 2021

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thirty days have september,
april,
june,
and november
all the rest have thirty-one
except february which completely fucks us up and every four years gets even a little bit more complicated because time is a mortal construction and probably not as linear as people make it out to be…

i see my friends
open themselves up to the universe
to give and receive and the universe complies
sending platonic connections from years and years past,
sheltering under iridescent wingspans
and holding safe a space for baby queers;
we are the ancestors we wish we’d had
(and we do have those ancestors,
they just may not be blood)

the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
isn’t it great how the actual saying is saying the opposite of what everyone who says it thinks they are saying?
there are a lot of things like that in this world, aren’t there?
(and do we even need to live our lives by sayings made up by humans long since dead?)

i’m still finding my way
slowly opening myself up to the universe,
trying not to ask it too greedily,
as i’m still scared it’s not real,
i’m too much of an atheist/agnostic to trust in anything outside of myself
(but, one might point out, the universe could simply be a part of ourselves that is unknown,)
and we are far more connected to one another than we think we are,
so maybe those connections are the universe
and each other are the spiritual guides,
but all of these are very ‘what if’
very potential answers
but not definites,
and it is too early for this kind of contemplation to make 100% sense
(and i was definitely up too early to be too comprehensible to others)
so we can just write this
and post it
and throw it out into the universe
and know that our place in it is constantly changing
and at times you need the guidance
and at others you are the guide
and it constantly changes
and change is good
scary
but good.

July 8, 2021

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what is with
these weeks of summer
streaming by in the goddamn blink of an eye?

(and how many more will i have have have to endure
until i finally find it in me to accept
the inevitability of time?)

May 29, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the never-ending trap
of Time
growing up it seems to go by so slowly
long summer nights
endless school days
waiting for santa claus
waiting to perform
waiting to hear back about important news
but somewhere around teenage years
it starts to slide
and no longer is there more time than you know what to do with
but it starts downhill and seems to snowball
out of control
days slip past you in the blink of an eye
(how has it been a decade since i went to college?)
and especially for someone like me
who has very little tracking in my internal clock about time
who could easily talk to a best friend from years gone by
and just be excited that we have even more life stories to talk about
it’s hard to quantify
where those years all went
because to me
they seem
to just
be…

gone