it still feels like the future
whenever i see the year
starting with a two
rather than a one
and it simply feels
unreal
to not have double zeros
between the first and last digit
i wonder if my brain will ever let go
of this harsh divide
between old millennium=safe
and new millennium=completely unknown
into july
first day gone by
can’t exactly tell you why
i’m both calmed and concerned by
the month of
july
my whole concept of
the day of the week
is gone
is it wednesday?
is it a weekend?
have days ceased to be
and now we’re living off of
vibes alone?
someone help me
be a person
again
how was yesterday
twelve lifetimes ago
and age nine, for me, feels like last week
getting used to the
new spacing/
new calligraphy
of the four
at the end of the year,
promising myself
i’ll give grace to my own mind/fingers
for inevitably forgetting
during the first three to six months of this year
and letting myself have patience
with my own soul
as i get used to the inevitability
of the passage
of time
it’s still so damn wild to me
to see the numbers 2-0-2-3 —
it feels futuristic
it feels like fantasy
i never thought i’d see much farther
than those zeroes three
at the turn of the century
the full new millennium
i was convinced i’d die before i hit eighteen
but then nineteen/twenty/twenty-one, -two, -three
and now i’m solidly into my thirties
and we are solidly into the two thousand twenties
and it still seems so fake to me,
me, a person who still remembers all dated items
with the first nineteen already filled in;
the 90’s were never supposed to end,
but they’re so long ago now
and i just can’t seem to fit my brain in
that the world keeps turning
time keeps ticking
as much as it all is a mortal construction
we live in a society
and the society says
this is the year twenty twenty three
[nah, still seems fake to me]
September flew by
in a matter of seconds
days filled with
stress and driving
and planning and writing
and arriving
in time to say goodbye
and the weeks between now and back then
feel like blips
made of minutes that took forever
and this whole month
took no time at all
it’s already
the middle of the month
how does
time
go by this
much
how are we
already
halfway through May?
(i blinked and April was gone)
but nothing will ever compare
to 2020
and the collective pressing of time
lasting forever;
that March that took
approximately eight years
to pass
and past that
i honestly don’t remember
anything
until June
(it was all March, you see)
i joke that
“time is a mortal construction”
because of a show i was in
(i was going to say once,
but technically it was twice)
and 2020 really showed us
how much of our society
really goes in to
how we perceive
the passage
of time
(and the abolishing of dst this year
did nothing to help the case
of time being anything near
concrete)
(i read once
that the only true marker
that we have
for time passing
is entropy,
all the rest of it
is simply our
perceptions,
so…)
~~~
why
do i
constantly fall into the trap
of thinking that
i don’t deserve
a “big
ol’
breakthrough”™
in my depression
if i’m not at
rock
bot-
tom
?
i’ve looked back at times
in my life
in my time
with this struggle
that seem pretty near,
but i recall clear
as day and night
are far apart
that those particular times
felt like i could always go
farther
down
depression
looks different
for different
people
so why can’t i get it through
my tick-ass skull
that rock bottom
would look different
for me
than other people?
i am not in a place
of rock bottom now,
that i can guarantee
to you and to me,
but i do feel plateaued
in a way i’ve felt
for years and years and—
–i also shouldn’t fall into the trap
of thinking that a plateau
deserves breakthroughs
any less
than a drop past the
“point of no return”™
so why
do i
find excuses
in every place
i find myself?
~~~
the puppy
wants so badly
to be friends with the cat
she sits
as calmly as her little puppy muscles can muster
and waits
for a sign of friendship
the cat, on the other hand,
simply hisses
and growls
and hides
and sighs
as the dog takes that all as signs
that the cat is conversing
and she excitedly talks back
in whining yips
and barking excites
‘come play with me!’
she seems to say
‘let’s be friends! please!? pleeeeeease!?!?!’
but the cat
is already
halfway
up the stairs
to hide just out of plain sight
or tuck herself deep under the bed
and the dog still whines
and climbs on the couch
to wait for her to show her face
in another hour or two
and the puppy whines start up again
and the hisses too,
and i hope one day
they do
actually
become friends
but today that seems…
damn near impossible
May
is going by
in the blink of an eye
~~~
i wish
sometimes
that my brain would just
chill out
for a moment
(not calm down completely;
i’ve learned my lesson there)
no, just,
give me a moment
a minute
an hour
a day
where i can be awake
but not overwhelmed with all the
‘what if’s
and ‘what could be’s,
the worries
that constantly plague me,
the overthinking
that suffers me
to ponder out
eight million possible bad outcomes
to a leap of faith
(some even stemming from
an outcome starting out
on the positive side)
does anyone else
see
both the big picture
and all the minute details
and instead of finding solace
in the breaking down of tasks
into smaller, manageable steps,
you just get overwhelmed
with the amount of tasks
that goes into everything?
or is that just me?
~~~
a rehearsal
a conversation
both later
both to look forward to
but first,
bagels
(or perhaps homemade Indian food
for breakfast)
(we’re adults, we make our own decisions in this house)
kipventures 