January 14, 2025

so
i woke up at 4:45
and played the game of
“what will put me back to sleep”
because my brain was too awake with
anxiety

so i learned some french
and sign language
and cuddled my kip and my puppy
and stared at a crossword puzzle
and the internet
and even tried
just breathing
but
by 5:35
i was still in my too-awake-era
and kip wanted to get up anyway

so we both placed some clothes on our bodies
and i bundled up with the dog on a walk
and fed both animals
and sat down to write
and now it’s just past 6:30 am
and it feels strange to stare at the outside
pitch black
and think about how i’ve been awake already
for almost two hours

but i suppose that’s what happens
when stress brain just won’t
turn
off

October 31, 2024

i want to write about halloween
and spooky times
and how much i love
this time of year

but i’ve been dealing with deep dark fears
of genocide
and our complicity in it
and how that makes political fallout
even more extreme
and i just want a candidate i can believe in
or a system i truly think is working
but instead we’ve got

this

[whatever this is
in terms of an american experiment
that probably shouldn’t have been tried
and we should have just left this land
and its people
alone…]

but i’m here
this is a fact
and there’s an ethnic cleansing happening half a world away
that i can see as i scroll in my own warm bed
another fact
and the choice between two candidates
two sides
of the same coin
still factual
and yet
one would bring about fascism
much
much
much
faster
[he has stated this in his plans all along — facts]

so i’m actually
for real
scared
afraid
for my life and liberty

and no, i’m not overreacting

[my favorite time of year
has been ruined by election anxiety
and i can’t even feel that affronted
because so much worse things are happening
all over
everywhere]

so please

vote

June 17, 2024

stress
and apprehension
and it not feeling like
an actual opening
and the stories we tell ourselves
about ourselves
when i tell myself these stories
it’s to try to solidify
who i am
because i have no idea
i have no plan

~~~

does one good line
make a poem?

is this my style/my curse?

~~~

my poems are making little to no sense to me
this morning
but i’m still writing them
i’m still dilligently typing
words and phrases as they come
hoping to find some meaning
some
time
soon

June 16, 2024

maybe don’t concentrate on morning pages
[though it is still morning
and we are on break now
officially now]

horrendous
i don’t know where i’m going
horrendous
i don’t know what i’m doing
horrendous
anyone expecting expectations from humans
when humanity is doing
this

May 19, 2024

oh no
oh no
i have
the stress anxiety
thoughts of impropriety
about everything i could be doing
but am not
or even the things
i literally cannot
i’m stressed
my stomach a mess
and nothing will settle
me down

April 23, 2024

why is it that
when i am beginning to be social
on the social medias
i get so panicked and stressed and scared?

is the internet —
particularly the portion
with people one already knows —
really that frightful?

April 5, 2024

what a day
was yesterday —

a covid kip/
a power outage
lasting hours
[so no regular morning things]/
many calls and stresses/
and finally, the dreaded mri
[but not before getting poked and prodded
and hurt and pained
and bruised]

and, of course, a target run
for my sickkip

but now
now
today
this morning
at this moment
things
are back
to
[relative]
normal

March 28, 2024

focus
focus
focus

write the poems
and don’t get distracted
by the music
or the artwork
or the potential bagels
arriving
anytime
soon

focus
focus
focus

don’t be taken in by
the coffee beside you
or the potential trips
all coming up
or the gig
later today
or the stress
slowly
approaching
encroaching

focus
focus
focus

you just need 300 words
it’s not that difficult
it’s not that hard
it’s not a means to an end
but instead
a means to
a beginning

October 13, 2023

cedar point
as a child
was filled with rides
and adventures
and activities
and waiting in lines
and hoping for tallness
and once in a summer opportunities
so you’d better make the
most of it

cedar point
as an adult
is filled with rides
and adventure
and autonomy
and vibes
and loving the ambiance
of spooky season
and only going once every few years
or even less
so you’d better not put too much pressure on yourself
or you won’t have
fun

[and somehow that lessens
the pressure
a ton]

June 13, 2023

i don’t think
who you are when you’re stressed
is your “real true self”
nor do i believe
that it is somehow
not you at all—
i simply believe
that stressed-out-you
is another form of you,
and each individual person
has so many selves/
contains multitudes/
switches codes/personalities/dependent on the people
and situation
and personal pressures
(external and internal)
and to think that we should be
one consistent type of personality
through every sort of situational anomaly
is not giving humanity
any sort of grace
or depth