stress

August 26, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the stress
and the stress of the partial resolution

what will happen with the real resolution
[or will there even be one at all?]
[and if so, how much more stressful
will it be? will i get? will get me?]
i wish i could react to stress
intelligently
but instead i go from my version of zero stress
[which is still pretty damn stressed]
to so stressed i can hardly move/breathe/deal with the stress at hand
and somehow the stress is resolved
or not
and we move on
and it cycles all over again
and i never learn to act quickly
i never learn that i still survive even with all this stress inside
i never learn that the cycle is already approaching
and my body will react the way it reacts

i never learn
i never learn
i never learn

July 24, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the sixteen beeps of the
nightly car alarm
that keeps me half awake from 2:30 to 5:30
when i give up and just get up

i’ve counted the beeps
but i haven’t counted the seconds between

because that changes

it could be a few seconds
it could be a few minutes

it’s just varied enough to keep
my nerves heightened

i think, if the beeping continued and continued, i may be able
to sleep through that, or if it was sixteen beeps, then sixteen beeps
worth of silence, maybe i could be lulled into unconsciousness through
the pattern, but this lack of consistency is what keeps me
awake

and in stress

June 10, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

no sleep
no life outside of theatre
breaking out all over my face
insomnia
all day every day inside a dark black box
sitting
then running around
then sitting again
no lights then bright lights
quiet
and too much sound
the senses are jarred awake
in jarring
but lovely ways

i still don’t know who i am half the time
nor how i fit in to society/how others perceive me
but at least i generally feel at home in the theatre

[even with everything it brings
damn
do i feel at home in a theatre]

June 5, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

doing twenty million things at once

i honestly don’t know if it’s good for me
or terrible
or i’m terrible at it
or even kinda ok to maybe good

but i can tell it’s kinda my default
[like chaos]
and maybe i should just find ways
to encourage what works
and have failsafes
for what
doesn’t

June 4, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

why
why
why must i keep waking up
in the 5:00 hour
when i don’t actually need to be getting out of bed
until 7am?

is it the sunlight? is it the stress? is it my body craving more time in the day?
is it the heat? is it the animals? is it my to-do list screaming me awake?
is it dehydration? overhydration? is it the caffeine coursing through my veins?

how much how much how much is my body in charge
vs. the external situation(s)
vs. me

May 28, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i so appreciate my kip
for being there with me
as i state
the state of my mind
and emotions
and they comfort
or support
or advise
as i need/ask

our communication has always been
one of my favorite things about us

for there will always be
times of stress, it’s how
we tackle them together,
on the same team, that counts

April 29, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

ugh
stress
trying to be
professional
and feeling like
i’m failing
constantly

[everyone makes mistakes
everyone makes mistakes
everyone makes mistakes
the important part is to learn
from your
mistakes]

April 20, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

tummy aches last night
was it stress?
was it existential?
was it something i ate?
was it something i didn’t eat?
was it my sinuses and their dripping into my stomach?
or the meds i take for my sinuses
dripping into my
stomach?

i don’t know what it was
but it
sucked

October 12, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

another night
of waking up at 1/2/3/4 in the morning
to stress
to discomfort
to the panic at the state of the world
and the state of my mind
and this would all be fine
if i could just
fall back
to sleep
like i so recently used to

but apparently i’m back to
high school
college
teenage
early 20’s hj
where i struggle to fall asleep
and i struggle to stay asleep
and every moment i wish i was asleep
i panic about not getting enough sleep
and everything
always feels
so much
worse
in the nighttime

i considered waking kip up
to talk with them
hold them
have them hold me
to see
if having someone right there with me
would be any help at all
and i think, if i had panicked myself any harder
any more
any longer
i might have

but somehow
i finally
fell back
to sleep

how did i survive damn near a decade
like this???

[i was miserable the whole time
that’s how]

[i don’t want to be that miserable
again]