sleeping downstairs
because the dog [might have]
another uti…
maybe not quite as comfy as our bed
but at least we know
future guests
will be
in good
mattress[es]
sleep
December 1, 2021
go to bed late
in order to relax at least a little
while awake
(after tough, tough decisions are made)
wake up early
in order to get your spouse
out the door
off to work
(in person)
finish some chores
accomplish some goals
take care of the every-day to-do things
and then
NAP
in order to wake up
cuddled with your dog,
splashed with streaks of sunlight,
rainbows dancing all around the room
floating over your skin,
feeling like this is a Day,
not a trial, a burden, a slog
(and then,
write
it
out.)
September 8, 2021
insomnia
falling asleep
panic
insomnia
staying asleep
i got this.
is nighttime liminal space?
so to wake up in it, is fine,
eerie, but fine.
but to see it change over
from normal to liminal
is to see the working gears of the universe
so one must be driven at least a little bit mad if they see it…?
August 10, 2021
with Louka
all ‘old dog’ ill
we’ve been sleeping on the couch(es) downstairs
to make sure she’s alright
through the night,
and also to be close by
to sense
if she might need
to go outside at 12, 1, 2, 3 in the morning
(which has happens more times than we’d like)
and i feel like our low-key exhaustion,
the whole not actually sleeping through the entire night,
the aches and pains from couch-sleeping,
this whole ordeal
is mimic-ing
infant child-care
not to the point where i believe it 100% is exactly the same,
but to the point where, in the past, i’ve listened to stories
of tired parents
discuss how they’re just always tired,
it’s a fact of life that they never sleep through the night,
and i’ve thought to myself, “i don’t know if i could do that…
i’ve suffered from such insomnia in the past
my sleep is sacred now,
and on the off-chance i’m actually in a bout of semi-good sleep,
to have the cause of an un-restful night be not my own brain,
i’m unsure if i could stop myself from being resentful,
and i know i’m my best when i get 7-8 hours of sleep,
or a night or two of less than four,
but these parents are talking about a near year of 3-5 hour nights
and i just don’t think
i can.”
but this experience,
this mimic-ing,
it’s taught me
that when one is the caretaker
of a being they love without conditions
lack of sleep isn’t really that big of a deal,
and (similar to how i survived high school)
there’s a certain point where exhaustion
just becomes your daily natural state
and you just
kind of
deal.
August 8, 2021
finding the perfect music station
is an art
(one i’m not nearly as familiar with
as my spouse)
and so when i’m doing my morning pages/poems
without them
(because sleep is a necessity)
and have to find some morning tunes
on my own
i never land on
what i initially think i’ll land on…
at least there’s coffee.
~~~
so hungry
but i’m not used to eating while writing
i eat and suddenly i want
passive entertainment
it seems this old dog needs to learn a couple new tricks
~~~
if i leave
and come back
will i keep the thread of morning poetry?
~~~
fed,
caffeinated,
[not yet watered],
and i feel so much better able to
really get into these here morning page poems
is this what i *should* be doing each morning?
instead of simply sipping coffee
and waiting until after i write to eat my breakfast?
or is this simply a daily thing
that changes around
and adjusts
as my own outlook
and mood
and level of tiredness
adjusts
day
by
day
by
day
?
~~~
i mean, if i’m going to be writing a million small poems
(and by a million, let’s be honest and say probably six)
might as well just
truly
go for it.
~~~
the nerves are starting to settle in
about class later on today
(this is why i enjoyed having a circus class prior to acting class
yes, i never got to nap,
but i also never spent half the day worrying about/obsessing over my performance)
i like how our teacher sets up the class
you perform, and then she asks what goals you had for that particular scene or monologue
and this week i’m simply hoping to continue the work
that suddenly broke free two weeks ago.
i want to breathe into the monologue,
i want to be in the moment,
and i want to use my own self-loathing
to create art
instead of beating myself down all the time.
and yes, the ultimate goal is health
and possibly, someday, not constantly feeling like the most worthless hunk of flesh on the planet,
but while that’s what it’s like in my brain,
might as well be honest
and use it to connect with this character i’ve been [not so secretly] wanting to play for ages,
and maybe if i can connect while i’m in the throes of
not-so-great mental health
maybe that means i can find my way in
when i am in a healthier mental state
remember the physical sensations
without being too harsh…
maybe?
but today isn’t about how to get there down the road
that’s not the goal today;
it’s to be in the present
to breathe into the moment
to know that i have all this inside me
and relax
and trust
and simply let myself shine through.
May 15, 2021
my brain is falling asleep in a way
that it wasn’t last night.
the tossing and turning and turning and tossing
like being rocked by a stormy sea
did nothing to lull me (in)to unconsciousness
the wind and stress i felt from my kip beside me
did not diminish my sleepiness
but it did make the actual
falling,
sleep catching,
(falling into sleep’s waiting arms)
not truly take.
but now my mind feels like it could be lulled
(fairly easily, in fact)
into unconsciousness
and i wonder;
is it worth it?
May 10, 2021
a different kind of sleepy this morning
a cocoon of warmth
of ‘i actually slept last night
nearly through the night
when’s the last time i had a good
night’s
sleep?’
but the sleepiness that comes from that
actual
restful
sleep
is quite different than the usual
just
tired.
(sorry i got bored of this poem like immediately,
i guess that’s part of writing every day,
right?)
April 24, 2021
why does my soul
and heart
and body
ache for adventure
when my brain
and my eyes
and my entire psyche
long to nap until i might feel
truly
awake again?
do i really need to rest until i feel up to adventuring again?
(not that many adventures are happening right now, in the time of the ‘rona)
and if that’s the case,
is this the indication that,
even though my days are spent lazing around
doing ‘nothing,’
that ‘nothing’
isn’t as relaxing as i once thought?
i’ve been made aware
that resting while feeling guilt about resting
is not truly resting.
is this why that,
even though i’ve been alive
twenty-seven plus years
i don’t know that i’ve ever felt truly rested?
because, whether i’m performing ten shows a week,
or have literally nothing on my schedule
for the foreseeable future,
i always have these murmurs of
“i should be doing something”
“a nap would be nice right now…”
“i should be doing something”
“maybe i could just close my eyes for a hot second”
“i should be doing something”
“another coffee, maybe?”
“i should be doing something”
“why doesn’t this wake me up like it used to?”
“i should be doing something”
or, i suppose, that exhaustion could simply be the
depression.
whatever it is,
it’s low key,
i know people/friends/acquaintances/family
with invisible illnesses
with constant pain and exhaustion
that does not leave them alone
that requires them take a nap
as soon as the feeling hits them,
that forces their eyes closed
which no amount of coffee or energy drink or caffeine pill or anything
could ever prevent.
mine is not that.
it feels like a quiet undercurrent,
some days i can ignore it so much, it goes away
(usually when i’m busy with other things)
other days i do end up napping on the couch for over an hour.
but it’s a whisper
not a shout
it’s a gentle tug towards sleep
not a full out body slam down onto whatever surface is nearby
it’s the existential exhaustion of being alive
in a world that kind of sucks
and your anxiety never lets go of your awareness of it.
it’s probably the depression.
kipventures 