last night
i had
the worst insomnia
i’ve had
in years.

i mean,
i still have a fair bit of insomnia
that’s something that i think will never
fully
leave,

but i used to be so terrible
at relaxing enough
to fall asleep.
and then, after hours and hours
of trying and failing and trying and trying
and finally, finally dozing off,
i’d still wake up
multiple times in the night
often as awake as when i first laid down
just to start the cycle
all over again.

my insomnia these days
is pretty well relegated
to the waking up during the night—
to pee,
to toss,
to turn,
to overthink,
and then to fall asleep again–
sometimes just once,
sometimes countless times,
but the initial putting myself to bed
no longer that much of an issue

but last night…

oh

last
night

i was awake to the point where i convinced myself it was mania
i was so awake i could not even stay laying horizontal in a bed
i was awake enough to want to run around the house to exhaust myself
to read an entire novel
to start up the late night conversations
with other insomniacs
[not] in my area
i was awake and up and i panicked a little
because, though it’s been nearly a decade,
i’m so familiar with that level
of awakeness
before
bed

but

these days i have a spouse

these days i have settled hormones

these days i have a knowledge and sense of self i never had all those years ago

but really
these days
i have a spouse
who loves me
and who i can rely on
who would stay up with me all night if i needed them to
but who comforts me to the point
of relaxing enough
to fall asleep

(and only wake up once in the night)