seasonal depression

September 24, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i am not ready for fall

i’m still trying to wear summer outfits
in 46 degrees
and shivering

i am not ready for fall

the night comes too early
and i simply want to
sleep

i am not ready for fall

the semester started with
a bang
and has yet to fizzle to something seeming
comfortable/doable for longer than looking
week
by week

i am not ready for fall

physically
mentally
emotionally

but something inside me says
it’s time for fall
some unknown piece that i have yet to identify
a cyclical part
or a section connected
deeper to the earth than i could have expected
could have written about before the fall
overtook me

but

i am not really for fall

and yet
in at least one way
i think i am ready for fall

and i’ll rely on that readiness
to lead me into the darkness
of autumn to winter
to too busy and too cold to do anything
to discomfort and cycles and sadness
so that i can be oh so ready when spring comes
to pick me back up

and who knows

maybe something exciting will come this season

we won’t know until we go

so
okay
i suppose
i am [somewhat] ready for fall

August 31, 2026

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the last day
of august
the last day to pretend it’s
summer

to pretend the year is not
already
coming to a close

around the corner are
colorful leaves
a chilling breeze
ghosts and ghouls
and witches and spiderwebs
and werewolves howling at the moon
and anxiety-ridden queers
out of school for years
still worried about supplies
and straight A’s
and making good first impressions
and before we know it
the holidays will come with a tsunami of
tumult and emotions and plans that don’t all fit together
and then the long
long
looong span of time after new year’s
but before the spring brightens things [and moods] up again

last year, the winter was especially hard for me
it seemed to last
absolutely
forever

what will this coming wave bring?

August 18, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

ok
ok
yesterday and last night
were rough
were
depression

but this morning doesn’t feel nearly as
helpless
lifeless
hopeless

i hope it’ll stay that way;
i feel on a razor’s edge
and either side of me is
despair

[but hey, i’ve been taking tightwire classes, so
i should be better both physically and metaphorically
at balancing

here]

August 14, 2026

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perhaps
i’m not as dissociative as i have always/often concluded i am

perhaps
i’ve been in the moment this entire time

and it’s a coping mechanism
to convince myself
i’m not

like it’s a coping mechanism
to pretend you are over
love

when all we have is love

when all we are is love

June 14, 2026

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i feel like i’m coasting
sliding around in
almost-depression-land
and i can’t tell what’s
keeping me relatively afloat —
is it having theatre again?
is it my kip? my cat? my dog?
is it my brain chemistry/hormone levels finally calming and settling?
is it the summer heat?
or the summer sunlight?
is it the medication whose only job is to keep the depression from overtaking me?
is it some combination of all of these?

but it’s so strange to feel
the slippery sliding that usually means
an approach to a worse and worse time
but then feeling overall mildly okay

March 13, 2026

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it’s chilly again
this morning

we had our peek into what
the rest of next season will look like
i could even feel my mood
shifting
upwards

and now it’s cold once more

the dreary, winter sky
the brisk winter air
that slices your face if you don’t cover yourself well
and the hopelessness that accompanies it all

[i wish i could enjoy
anything
about winter

but my soul was made for
anything
but]

February 12, 2026

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i wish i could just
relax into knowing
i know something

but instead the anxiety decides
to show up right at that moment
and “release” me from feeling
good about
anything
and instead
i feel
stupid/foolish/in over my head/a fraud

a straight up, full on imposter

how will i ever feel
like i’ve achieved
anything
if this is what my brain chemistry
does to me
every
single
time?

January 31, 2026

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two panic attacks
[or something like them]
in one month
after years of fair avoidance

i cannot tell if something is
going on
inside me

or if it simply the strain
of the external forces
of the world i cannot control
[but still affects us all]

or maybe
maybe
it’s the strain of january
of winter
when i can never see the light of spring
at the end of the proverbial
tunnel

just give me one crocus blossom
one sprig of green
not these mountains of slush-snow
and lows below zero overnight
i need something
something
something to keep me going

this has been the longest january i’ve seen
since wisconsin

January 4, 2026

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dusty computer screen

don’t fix it
don’t wipe it away

instead enjoy how each speck
catches the sunlight as it streams through the window
a little earlier
and earlier
each morning

[we’re on the upswing now—
it only gets brighter
from here]

January 2, 2026

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down that coffee
chug that water
sprint down the stairs and
get ready for the day ahead
today
today
it will be
a day

[still kind of on
vacay
and spending time with kip
continuing traditions
and making new
and just do it
just get excited
and run run outrun the seasonal
depression
slowly invading your
head]

~~~

how come
this past
holiday season
i was unable to find
any
goddamn
candy canes
[of the candy cane flavor
variety]
?

[i found plenty
of skittles-flavored candy canes
and candy cane flavored
other things
but absolutely
zero
candy cane flavored
candy canes]

where did they all go?

has capitalism forced creativity
beyond our human wants and desires?

probably.

almost
definitely.

[well, at least our ai overlords
can enjoy the absurdity of our
‘ingenuity’
atop our burning bodies
after the world catches on fire
and the only water left
not contributing to coastal flooding
is being fed to them]

~~~

the problem
the problem
the problem is
i know
i know
i know our apocalypse
will be
so
so
so
slow

we won’t see it coming
we won’t acknowledge it here

we’ll just keep hoofing it to work
and buying our bagels
as our eyes slide past
broken infrastructure
and bodies in the street
until we’re about to be the body
and by then
it’ll be
too late
[and another person will walk past you
pretending
everything
everything
everything
is normal]