queer

May 13, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

poets
are supposed to be
sentimental
romantical
(or so society says)
their best works coming
from falling
head over heels over head
over and over and over again
with people/with person/with newfound loving

but i count myself a poet
(as strange as it still feels
internally;
but
you can’t do something
every day
for over a year
and not get to take that label)
and i suppose i feel
sentimental
romantical
but without the drama
without the dire feelings
without the falling/
not knowing/
which way is up/
will there be ground when i fall/
will it cushion or strike/
a final blow/
so/
i feel like my poems aren’t the romantical kind
most people expect

but i’ve had nearly ten years with you,
six of those legally wed
(straight out of a time i thought that’d never be a thing)
(planning a wedding when you don’t know which state
will abate
the legality of your love
is an…interesting experience, to say the least)
and we skipped most societal standards,
no first/second/third date rules,
just us, sharing our personal traumas
amid late night kisses
and early morning apple juice;
a first “date” lasting damn near 24 hours
(and only a previous commitment kept it
from just extending
ad inifinitum
as many sapphic first dates go)

a one night stand
turned to talking
and magnetic-felt pulling
until we collapsed our expectations,
shed our ‘no [new] relationship rules’
and went from officially dating
to quietly engaged
in four months
flat

and each month after
i’ve learned from you
and grown with you,
and we’ve had great times
and incredibly hard times,
quiet times
and a few loud times,
but most of the time
it’s simply
comfortable-being-with-you times.
i love our co-[in]dependence
that we’ve come into on our own terms.
and that year [+] where we could only see each other
was such a welcome gift.
and even though nothing is ever promised,
i can see my future more clearly
with you
than i’ve ever seen it before,
and i know
when we’re ghosts
we’ll finally be able to cuddle the way we want
bypassing physical boundaries
and feeling that closeness we yearn for
in every tight tight hug…

we were wed
6 years ago on this day
so i suppose that’s why
today
i’m feeling
sentimental
[and a bit romantical]
but also
sentimentality sneaks up on me
most days
that i get to see you
across the table from me
working on your programming
while i write stanzas of free-form poetry,
or when we’re apart
and i feel the heartbeat vibration
of my phone telling me it’s you texting me
little words of love
or collections of memes sent as a love language all its own
or getting ready for bedtime
in this house we’ve made a home
with our adorable little family
and the comfort of us
just being
[together]

i’m sentimental for you
in a way i never thought i’d be
and i must admit
i’m grateful for it,
my Kip.

April 2, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

connection
in this day and age
of high speed internet
and loudfast cars down the street
and split second decisions
is so rare

but somehow we found each other
and talking with you makes time stop
and we push each other to create a legacy
while still reminding each other to sit in the garden
for as long as the dog will allow us
and our skin on skin contact
is my favorite feeling
in the universe

so let’s continue this
for another five/ten years
because i was just treading water
before you came into my life

March 31, 2022

/ HJ / 1 Comment

Trans Day of Visibility.

i try to be so visible…

but my visibility often seems to negate my living experiences

(any time i wear the trans colors
i’m read as
only femme)

(and while i feel
not
the gender i was assigned at birth,
my taste often finds itself
aligning
with what my assigned gender
is ‘supposed to’ like)

(but i’m not just gay
as in happy
[though often i have this
demeanor]
i’m also queer
as in fuck the system,
as in i will always stand up for those with less power,
as in my entire identity will always be a political statement
because much of it is often politicized without my consent,
and i know of others with intersecting identities
on top of the identity[ies] we share
who will never be out of the line of fire from politicians
trying to gain power
over others)

so i’ll stand up
tall
(as my barely over five-foot-frame will let me)
and proud
of my trans identity,
my non-binary identity,
my queer-in-all-the-ways identity,
and tell everyone who will listen
‘yes, thank you for listening
to me,
an actual trans person,
but please
also listen
to those who fall under the binary umbrella
underneath the larger trans umbrella,
especially trans women,
and listen to those who fall under other marginalized identities,
listen to Black trans folks,
listen to Indigenous trans folks [Indigenous two-spirit people],
listen to trans people of color
listen to those folks of color with darker skin,
listen to trans people with disabilities
listen to trans people who aren’t neurotypical
listen to trans people who aren’t from your country,
listen to trans people who don’t look anything like you,
listen to trans folks who make you feel uncomfortable with your privilege
listen to trans folks who fight the system that was built to tear them down.

and honestly,
if you listen to those folks first
(which i encourage you to do)
and you have a lot of introspection to do
and you don’t have the time
or energy
or capacity
to listen to my words
afterwards,

i’d much prefer that.

listen to trans folks with less privilege than myself
expand your knowledge
first.

(maybe we’ll see each other in the metaphorical
‘audience’
and wave ‘hi!’)

February 25, 2022

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amidst the attacks
on trans kids’ care
and Ukraine
and the continued unfounded laxations
on policies meant to keep us safe and healthy
and, of course, the never-ending attacks of
those of color in this country
(particularly those Black in this country)

amidst all this tragedy and infuriation and chaos yesterday
i achieved a personal best,
an achievement,
a goal i’d thought unattainable,

and i need to remind myself that i’m allowed to celebrate that.

i can celebrate and mourn,
i can celebrate and call to action,
i can celebrate and take action,
i am not required to fix the world
before i work on my silly little circus moves

in fact

working on my silly little circus moves
is what gives me the strength to do all i need to for the world…

without circus,
without celebration,
without exercise and investigation
of what my body can do,
without art and all i do to self-express,
without that humanity
i am simply left
a giant mass of depression,

and depression/forlornness/existential dread;
that is [part of] what maintains the status quo.

without art/celebration/joy
i am left overwhelmed with all that needs to be done
in the world.

with,
i can balance
all i know is terrible
with my little pieces of what is good,
so i can have the energy to call representatives
and give my little bits of extra income
and write poetry to [maybe] inspire others
as well

we,
those of us who are queer,
those of us with mental states that fill us
with anxiety
and/or
despair,
we are human
and are allowed our humanity,
our joy,
our celebration,
our art,

and, as a lovely side-effect,
that humanity,
when taken,
can help us do our part
to negate some of the external sources
of our stress and panic and dread.

i am allowed to celebrate
just to celebrate
because i am human
(no matter how many conservative lawmakers try to deny that about me and my kin)
i am human
and i am allowed joy in my life

and perhaps my joy can uplift others in their joy as well

so here’s to baby’s first solid, unassisted, one-armed meathook,
to the side-abs i am creating
and the joy i am stoking
in myself
because i am allowed,
i need no external validation
but it helps to hear it out loud all the same,
i am allowed
i am allowed
and i can bring others up as well.

January 8, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

too tired to write anything
of substance
too word-play-y
to not,
stuck in a limbo
of will i won’t i
(a new take on ‘will they won’t they’)
(get it, cuz i’m nonbinary and use they/them pronouns)

listening to music from the
‘Roaring 20’s’
so what are we?
‘The Coughing 20’s’?
‘The Dying 20’s’?
‘The Denying and Closing our Eyes and Covering our Ears and Screaming “[B]LA[B]LA[B]LA”
Over All the Signs
and Words of Learned Folks
and Science
20’s’?

i wish i had the compassion of
Amanda Gorman
the faith in people of
Anne Frank
the calmness and knowledge and belief
of so many
but i am caught between
i want to see the good
and
i can only see the bad
played
over
and
over
and
over
again
behind my eyelids
every time they close
(and most of the time while they’re open,
too)

i know i’m doing little
to halt/hold/stop the division
of one side
‘gainst the other,
but it’s hard to listen to folks
who’d never listen to me
were i to show them my true self,
who argue that folks like me
are a disease unto society
and deserve the worst of death.
if you can’t look at me like a human
then why should i listen to you
like your opinions have any say
in my living my own life
in my own honest way

(maybe this is why
it’s so important
to look inwards
for spirituality
as opposed to outwards)

but this poem
is kind of a mess,
but it is morning
so i can mull through
my thoughts of the day approaching
and get them all out of my fingertips
and onto this blank page/document/screen
for all to see
(or at least the six of you who usually read)
(hi, by the way)
and the poem doesn’t ~need~ to mean anything
it can just be,
a product of my brain,
my overthinking-
obsessive compulsive tendency-
pessimist in the body of an optimist-
-brain,
and leave it
for whomever may need it
(which might just be me
needing to get it out
in order to write
other things)

November 24, 2021 (part two)

/ HJ / Leave a comment

Family means so much
to so many people

my genetic relatives profess
Family
as the utmost of all people
those who have your back no matter what
the only humans you can truly count on
(most of them still live within a thirty minute drive of each other to this day.)

my friends, my community, unaccepted within their blood kin
find Found Family
to love them
without reservation
without expectation
without conditions
and count on each other

i am lucky enough to have both
blood and non-blood relations
who love me
unconditionally
but that brings with it
division of time
of love
of feelings
of celebrations

(and it is only the Family from birth
who saw me grow as i did
which is sometimes a good thing
and sometimes a not so good thing;
and there are memories,
sometimes lovely
sometimes hard
when in their company)

but

there is an awfully grand sense of growing
when i am able to fully help with the labor
i only ever messed up or ignored
as a child;
and to be able to pass that on to
the children younger than myself…

that feeling, it’s

Indescribable.

October 11, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

it’s national coming out day
but it’s also
Indigenous Peoples’ Day
(formerly [that colonizer] day)

and so, for today,
for my tiny platform,
i’m going to remind the few folks that may read this
(that may not know already)

that intersections of identity exist;
and i, a white queer,
will be quiet about me,
and hope you read the words of
queer people of color
(particularly those of indigenous and queer identities)
today
(and really every day)

(and maybe, on a different day, i’ll rant about how
queer people are so much more than their
coming out stories)

July 31, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

thirty days have september,
april,
june,
and november
all the rest have thirty-one
except february which completely fucks us up and every four years gets even a little bit more complicated because time is a mortal construction and probably not as linear as people make it out to be…

i see my friends
open themselves up to the universe
to give and receive and the universe complies
sending platonic connections from years and years past,
sheltering under iridescent wingspans
and holding safe a space for baby queers;
we are the ancestors we wish we’d had
(and we do have those ancestors,
they just may not be blood)

the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
isn’t it great how the actual saying is saying the opposite of what everyone who says it thinks they are saying?
there are a lot of things like that in this world, aren’t there?
(and do we even need to live our lives by sayings made up by humans long since dead?)

i’m still finding my way
slowly opening myself up to the universe,
trying not to ask it too greedily,
as i’m still scared it’s not real,
i’m too much of an atheist/agnostic to trust in anything outside of myself
(but, one might point out, the universe could simply be a part of ourselves that is unknown,)
and we are far more connected to one another than we think we are,
so maybe those connections are the universe
and each other are the spiritual guides,
but all of these are very ‘what if’
very potential answers
but not definites,
and it is too early for this kind of contemplation to make 100% sense
(and i was definitely up too early to be too comprehensible to others)
so we can just write this
and post it
and throw it out into the universe
and know that our place in it is constantly changing
and at times you need the guidance
and at others you are the guide
and it constantly changes
and change is good
scary
but good.

July 27, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

if you are
barely over
five feet tall
and your short-legged stride
outpaces
all the New Yorkers around you
you may have a problem

however

if you are
barely over
five feet tall
and gay
and your short-legged stride
outpaces
all the New Yorkers around you
that’s just fine.

July 12, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i don’t know why
it never occurred to me
to use my “weaknesses” as strengths
in acting.

i always pondered using my
quick-to-cry
sensations
as a way to
trick
my body
into crying on cue

but that never worked

and i think the key word there
is
“trick.”

i consider my passions
my caring too much
my crying when i’m frustrated
as the “bad” parts of my personality
mostly because they do get in the way
of living a normal life

but i don’t live a normal life

i’m an actor
and rather
than trick my subconscious
into using the base reactions
of my weaknesses as strengths
what if i actually and fully used my whole “weaknesses”
as my strengths?

i’m passionate,
so passionate,
i sometimes can’t decide
on which side
i align
(i solidly stand on the side of progress and compassion,
but with so much wrong with the world,
it’s difficult to concentrate
on just one issue,)
so i so often feel
overwhelmed
and lost
and without an outlet to create actual change
and i often force myself to try to decide
on just one
but
i’ve always considered my social justice life
and my acting life,
while influenced by social justice,
separate
(unless i’m performing in a thing
that is aiming towards creating
social changing)
but, just like i need to stop expecting
neurotypicality
from me
i also need to acknowledge that
as a queer, nonbinary, trans person
my existence holds in it
social change,
and my performing
any script
holds the passion
for some of the social change
of which i seek

and i know what my body/brain/mouth/soul feels
when i discuss a topic
about which i care deeply
and i can take that
and bring it
to other topics,
and i can cater my auditions
to those where passion is forefront
not to change my weaknesses into strengths
but to acknowledge
that all the things i thought were weak
are in fact
so
damn
strong.