the little skip/hop/beats of a heart
not hidden inside but shared with the spouse
new friends, exciting connections,
so stoked to spend time with each other again
a sacred queer friendship appears
queer
February 14, 2023
i haven’t really thought of
Valentine’s Day
in so long.
as a child it merely meant i’d probably get candy
that day
in school
(which, i’ll admit, was pretty cool).
as a teen,
highly aware of my own diverging sexuality,
i only saw loud reinforcements of
heteronormativity
and having that binaried bullshit shoved down my throat.
with Kip, the year they wooed me, they sent four presents
on one Valentine’s
(keep in mind we were not even officially dating at that point)
a song
a string of lights
a website
and origami roses.
and yes, we used to go to the melting pot,
or grab oysters,
or have some sort of dinner;
but COVID and coziness
and now our Valentimes look more like any other time.
but i don’t worry
because we still get excited in the morning to say
“Happy Valentine’s Day!!!”
to each other
December 20, 2022
ten years ago
i
was bored at my home
ten years ago
i
felt community thirty minutes away
(at a college i never attended)
ten years ago
i
called out to my friends to see
if anyone would be
excited for me
to come hang out that evening
ten years ago
i
happened to [re-]meet the love of my life
and this time we were both ready
available
and actually looking
pondering each other for
conquest
and connection
but
it is not this day that we count
as our official anniversary
ten years ago today
was a preamble
a flirtation
a stuttering step towards
a beginning
tomorrow
will be the actual anniversary:
that post-midnight
that coming together
that “end of the world”
that, even if it did actually end,
and this is all a simulation in someone else’s head,
at least we got a chance to meet and be together
ten years ago
the best thing that ever happened to me
was
you
and for the past ten years
that has continued
to be
true
October 24, 2022
i wonder
if my mother
would have been great
at getting my pronouns
right
would she have stood up for me
at family gatherings
corrected people
when i wasn’t near
would she have been
the ally
i needed
to come out
with a bang
instead of this subtle
exhausting
whispered
coming out
over
and over
and over
again
every time
a ‘she’ is uttered
or a ‘ladies’ is announced
or any of those microaggressions
my gender dysphoria
insists
are actual aggression
i don’t know
i wish i knew
but i really don’t
she was an ally of all queer folks she knew
(I know 100% she’d have been to my wedding
would have celebrated like the world was ending
when she knew mine was just beginning
because that’s just the way she was)
but gender is somehow harder
and the in-between confuses even the best
of allies
and i don’t want to put her up on a pedestal
nor do i want to underestimate her devotion
to a me she never got to see
i only knew her for eleven and three quarters years
and i have memories of less
she is both the person i was closest to
and the biggest mystery of my life
and i just wish
i could guess
what it would be like
to have her
stand up
for me
October 19, 2022
had big enough feels
to feel the need
to express it
sans poetry
via prose
and who knows
how that ended up
but i might re-read
and edit
and submit it
at a later date
so folks who might not know
start to understand
how emotional labor
takes its
toll
October 16, 2022
a word
to those
who misgender:
if we stop correcting you
it does not mean
it’s all right
in fact
the opposite
is true;
it hits us
hard
each time
to the point
where
we simply
shut down.
the energy to stand up for oneself
drains more and more
each instance
October 14, 2022
most
genderqueer folks
i know
(myself absolutely included)
would give anything
to be
a metamorphmagus–
not to live in the world
that TERF jk created–
but to be able
to fit our outside appearance
to what it is inside
as it changes
daily
some days i’d be
flat chested
small hipped
medium hight
the perfect twink
to flirt and tease and captivate with ease
and some days i’d be so ripped
so big
so swole
(imagine
being able to change your muscle density
at will–
to be able to build the strength
instantaneously–
what a circus dream)
and some days
i might
go back to this body
(or similar,
still probably
with less mass
most places,
but especially
at the chest
and side hips)
change my hair
to fit my mood–
no more dye necessary
to complete the rainbow–
but also
on days i want to just fit in
and pass by
i could
with the blink of an eye
a thought of the mind
visualize and divine
and for acting,
for roles,
never worrying
if i might be tall enough
or blonde enough
or thin enough,
no more worrying
about appearance as casting
only go for things
that hit my soul and personality
and make me feel something
if only
if only
if only
i cry
into the void
up towards the sky
out to a world where magic
ceases
the minute it reaches
me
or at least that’s how
it feels
to not fully be
meta
morph
magus
what a transphobic
existence
October 12, 2022
yesterday
was national coming out day
and as a professional queer
i should have said/posted something
but as a hermit-in-residence
i’ve avoided most social interactions
digital or otherwise
so where does that leave me?
August 17, 2022
chill morning
chill music
moving info
both satisfying
and
frustrating
at the same time
[when/will it ever end?]
~~~
but my butt
hurts
when i sit in chairs
like a normal human
/
when i try to sit in chairs
like a normal human
and my body instinctively inclines itself
further and further leftwards
until my [right] butt hurts more
than it initially did
so i should just start
sitting
like the queer that i am
to avoid
further
injury
~~~
writing
in fits
and starts
(or starts
and starts
and i wonder where the fits
fit in with
this chill morning
of mine)
July 26, 2022
Poetry is not a luxury
i did not know Audre Lorde was the one who said this,
but she did
Poetry is not a luxury
it thought it meant it was not just for the upper crust
but a necessity for those without means
too
to fulfill artistic desires
inherent in human nature
for both survival
and for thriving
Poetry is not a luxury
she meant it as something more
as a necessity for communication
for the entirety of human species
but one that comes from
femininity
ok, she didn’t break it down like i do—
hers was the solid break
from men to women
from thought-based to art-based
from one solid half to another
but i think, had Audre Lorde been aware of
and exposed to
the identities we now know,
i think she would have given to the world
even more nuance—
the mixture of male and female
in all of us
and how two halves
are not half and half
and forever split
down the middle,
but how we can hold
the wholeness
in ourselves
and become a luxury
all on our
own
~~~~~~~~~
note: i am only two essays into to my copy of Sister Outsider–there may be new nuance coming, or thoughts on masculinity/femininity in each of us in poetry of hers, i just haven’t gotten to it in my reading
yet
kipventures 