poetry blog

August 22, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the panic had receded
slightly
right around the trip
[maybe it’s because
i was travel-stressed
so i had no room in me
for any other stressors]
[maybe it was just the magic
of a trip
of a visit
to people i love]
whatever it was, i even felt less
the stress
of coming back here — opportunities seemed
gettable
achievable
doable
and i felt like i could march right in
to anywhere
and at least ask for what i want with my life

but now that i’m back
the existential dread has set right back in —
i barely had a day and a half
before i was sad
and panic-ridden
and overwhelmed
and lonely
in this city of millions and millions and millions

and yet i love it here
and it is definitely home
and i ache for it when i leave

how do you do this, nyc?

August 21, 2024

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the first sip of coffee
creates quite the placebo effect in me —
i know my genetics don’t react that much
to caffeine
nor could the actual waking effect
happen while the liquid
is still in my mouth, but damn
simply tasting
and swallowing
this delicious brown bean soup
kicks my awareness
into overdrive
and i actually feel
kinda awake and alive
for the first time
the first moment
in the day

August 20, 2024

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picking fresh figs out of our home fig tree
happy to be home
happy to be home
drinking our tap water
that even after ten days stuck in the pipes
tastes better than the liquid calcium i had
all last week
happy to be home
happy to be home
being able to control the internal temperature
of a whole house,
hearing no upstairs neighbors,
eating fresh fresh bagels every morning,
the ability to travel
without driving and driving and driving,
just being around our own stuff
and spaces
and our animals
finally
sated
[the puppy even got to sleep in our bed with us
last night]
happy to be home
happy to be home
happy to be home

August 19, 2024

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i didn’t take many photos on this trip
and i can’t tell if that was thought out
like ‘i want it to feel as though
this isn’t a special trip
it’s just like i still live here
still work here
still live and breathe this tiny bubble of a city’
or if it was a lucky happenstance
of ‘i’m having so much fun
catching up
being with these lovely people
once more, i didn’t even think of
taking a photo
to solidify this moment in time’
but either way
the few photos i have are special
but don’t have the people in them
i wish they had
but i still have the memories
of all the time i spent with
everyone

and i miss them all already

August 18, 2024

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writing my feelings away
while trying not to feel them
will never work,
but i have to drive hours and hours and hours today
maybe even through the rain
and it’ll be dangerous to do that with
tears in my eyes as well,
so i’ll try to express what i can express
and leave the true unpacking and analyzing
and feeling
for another day.

August 16, 2024

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pretend
for a moment
you don’t know where you came from
or to what you’re going
or even any established rules
about your own identity
or the world at large and little
and you go to craft a poem —
would you know what words to use
would you innately be aware of rules and parameters
poetry has to work around and within
or would you just write what was in your soul
even if the words in your soul had no words at all?

and would that still be poetry?

[i think so]

August 14, 2024

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driving past places
i’ve driven past
hundreds of times
and to see so many
unchanged
still there
on that road
made me feel
almost like i’m unchanged
and i’m still the me
from five years ago
living in madison
living for the now
and the potential
to make it as an actor
in nyc

what was i placed on this planet to be?

August 13, 2024

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it’s only tuesday
though i feel the week falling away from me
it’s only tuesday
and there are still people i have to see
i have to see
who haven’t yet made plans to see me
it’s only tuesday
and i keep second guessing when to reach out
to other friends
to plan out
how to meet
it’s only tuesday
and madison is a lazy summer town,
a last-minute plans
when plans suddenly line up
and nights are made bright
and lasting memories
sidle up with the present
kind of tiny city
so i need to remind myself
it’s only tuesday
it’s only tuesday