generalized anxiety disorder

March 20, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i
often listen to podcasts
[more often than not]
and some of them i cannot stand
until and unless
they are sped
up
up
and away i run, blocking out my own thoughts
with speeds set to
increase
my own
anxieties

but when i slow down
and try
[i do try]
to listen at a show’s natural pace,
i find my heart pounding
waiting
each millisecond
for the next sound to be heard
like my own brain and body
accrue more anxiety
from normalness
and anticipation
than from the sped-up versions
of life

so
do i live in the moments
between moments
where time seems to extend
ad-infinitum
and unbearably so,
or do i continue to block out intuitions
and worry that my life
is speeding past my eyes
at an unrecognizable rate?

i don’t know
i don’t know

February 19, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

feeling like i’m riding a roller coaster
but i have to physically get myself
up
up
up
up
the chain of every hill
pulling
and grinding the gears
until gravity and physics finally take over
and i can let myself go
but then i’m going
and going
and going too fast
and where i once had
so much
too much
control
i’m now hands off
letting it take me
where it wants

and i didn’t even create this roller coaster
i don’t know what it has in store for me
i can only see a few moments in front of me
and for me
who saw
the whole hill i was pulling myself up
[granted, the hill looked
even larger
even longer — i never saw
the drop coming]
being unable to predict
when the next turn
or loop
or tunnel
will happen
as it just seems to pick up
more and more speed
faster
and faster
is a bit too much for me,
but i’ve been on this roller coaster for a while now
and i know
there’s probably another hill coming
i’ll have to pull myself
up
up
up
and
along…

[but what if there’s not
what if
what if
what if this part of the ride
just keeps going
faster
speedier
wilder
out of control
until it’s too fast
too much momentum
for the track
and i rocket off?

would i die?

or would i land somewhere off of this preconceived track
when i can have some control
over direction
and height
and maybe even
not
be on a roller coaster at all?]

February 18, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

my heart has palpitations
not real ones
but those that come from
worrying —
if this is all there is
if this is what i was meant to be doing
if there’s something more i should be trying
if adventure awaits elsewhere
if
if
if
pounds my heart
faster
and faster
and i can’t keep up
unless i
take a moment
and
cry

January 16, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

half-formed poems
catastrophizing stuck in my head
until i think i’ll burst if i don’t
say
something
and then it’s there stuck in my throat
when i remember
actual
catastrophes

all while i’m too tired to sleep
and too sad to cry
and everything feels like a clock ticking down
down
down
but to what
inevitable
terror?

[or is this simply life in late-stage capitalism/climate crisis disaster?]

January 14, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

so
i woke up at 4:45
and played the game of
“what will put me back to sleep”
because my brain was too awake with
anxiety

so i learned some french
and sign language
and cuddled my kip and my puppy
and stared at a crossword puzzle
and the internet
and even tried
just breathing
but
by 5:35
i was still in my too-awake-era
and kip wanted to get up anyway

so we both placed some clothes on our bodies
and i bundled up with the dog on a walk
and fed both animals
and sat down to write
and now it’s just past 6:30 am
and it feels strange to stare at the outside
pitch black
and think about how i’ve been awake already
for almost two hours

but i suppose that’s what happens
when stress brain just won’t
turn
off

August 22, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the panic had receded
slightly
right around the trip
[maybe it’s because
i was travel-stressed
so i had no room in me
for any other stressors]
[maybe it was just the magic
of a trip
of a visit
to people i love]
whatever it was, i even felt less
the stress
of coming back here — opportunities seemed
gettable
achievable
doable
and i felt like i could march right in
to anywhere
and at least ask for what i want with my life

but now that i’m back
the existential dread has set right back in —
i barely had a day and a half
before i was sad
and panic-ridden
and overwhelmed
and lonely
in this city of millions and millions and millions

and yet i love it here
and it is definitely home
and i ache for it when i leave

how do you do this, nyc?

July 9, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

my heart has been beating
louder
lately,
like it’s trying to remind me that i have anxiety
[as if i ever forgot]
like if it beats harder
it’ll keep away whatever haunts my waking nightmares
[as if that’s ever been true
for anyone
in history]
like my own hand is squeezing every last ounce
of a will to live
to breathe
to be
out of it —
the last reserves
until november
until perhaps genocides themselves die down
but what happens if / when / if
what i hope will be calming
does not come to pass, and instead fate
doubles my heart rate?

will it then cease?
will it then quit?
will it explode like it’s threatened to a million times over
or will it somehow beat louder
harder
faster
faster
faster
faster
faster
faster

July 3, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i’m careful
too careful
i know what could happen
[to anyone, not just to me]
and i work around those possibilities
those eventualities
but i never account for the time it takes
to account for all these things

i think i’ll be gone one hundred times over
before i live out all the lives i
planned for

April 1, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i no longer *have* to be anywhere
on april fools day
if it lands on a week-day

and for this, i am grateful

my school-years were filled with
mondays/tuesdays/wed/thurs/fridays
of april 1
and constant
constant
anxiety

it’s not even like i had a prank-gone-wrong
or anything mean like that
happen to me
directly

but i grew up in the age of
disney channel originals
and nickelodeon tv shows
and candid camera
and that one ashton kutcher reality thing
and just by virtue of being aware
of terrible
horrible
pranks
gave me a perpetual panic edge
every april first

[yes, just living in a society
with no personal experience
can change one’s
perception
of everything]

[there’s an implication here for something more,
societally,
but i’d rather spend this foolish day
chilling
and gathering
calmness around me]

January 3, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

pick at the nail polish
pick at the skin beside
pick at your lips and the inside of your cheek
with your teeth
as they glide over and over and over
searching for purchase
searching for purpose
searching for something to quiet the mind
and never admit to having anxiety
ever
ever
ever in your life

[a poem for someone
maybe someone
other than me]