family

December 25, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i have never been a christian
and i only really celebrated christmas
when i was young and full of
the influences of my parents
and the hopes and dreams of stuff
provided by santa claus and elves
and eight magic reindeer
(nine if you count the jewish one)
(which i absolutely do, now that i know)

christmas meant a lot more to me
when my family was near
and the holiday was important to them
but it never fully felt like
a religious experience–
it was a family experience
a consumerist experience
a mostly joyful
pretty fraught
pressure-filled
capitalist
kind of
time of
year

and there is something to be said for the coziness it provides
and it is always good to have loved ones by your side
but i never really understood how a holiday
based on stealing pagan celebrations
and not at all the time of year
of the actual birth
of the ‘savior’
could hold so much over so much of the population

but

put into perspective:

these traditions are far older than the oldest known time of christ
so i suppose i can see how that might
influence a whole boatload of the population;
the earth still cycles
and we as residents of the planet feel it
even if we don’t acknowledge that feeling

and

another way:

as the earth cycles
and time is a mortal construction
the celebration of a loved one
need not be on the actual day of an event—
so i could see
a birthday party for little jesus
many months delayed
just to be able to celebrate
when everyone can get together

so i suppose
i’m not as jaded as when
i began this poem
but i started it intending to speak
of new traditions/
experimenting with traditions/
very non-traditional traditions/
but if the point of traditions
is to have loved ones near
(physically or simply
in one’s heart)
i think i’m celebrating
this time of year
pretty darn well.

happy merry to those who celebrate,
and have a wonderful day to those who do not,
and anyone like me
who is still figuring out what to believe
about the malleability of time/tradition/religion/self
i hope you too have
a lovely day
a lovely meal
and some lovely folks
to hold dearly dear

this may be the end of this poem
but is certainly not the end
of this contemplation.

l’chaim!

November 26, 2021 (part two)

/ HJ / Leave a comment

it always seems to be
the most uncomfortable room
that folks congregate into.
the coldest,
without squishy chairs,
(or distractions
from family
from conversation
from time spent together).
and we can’t help it
if
this is the room with the best table
for poetry-writing,
for programming,
and closest to the coffee machine
for an endless supply of
refills,
and the room where there is space
for projects,
for light saber lessons,
and where the view is the sunniest
and most green

November 25, 2021 (part two)

/ HJ / Leave a comment

there are sad firsts:
first thanksgiving without big family
first thanksgiving without talking with my dad at dinner
first thanksgiving spent traveling

and then

there are the fun firsts:
first thanksgiving with Kip’s family
(first time all family and partners in one place at one time)
first thanksgiving solidly baking pies all day
(instead of just treating it like a social get-together)
first thanksgiving learning new traditions
(ones that the rest of the kids know so well they can recite lines from memory
before the muppets even start speaking)

and

first thanksgiving that i’m doing my best
to
appreciate family,
but hold them accountable,
and to remember the root of the ‘first’ ‘thanksgiving,’
and everything/everyone this country is built
on top of.

November 24, 2021 (part two)

/ HJ / Leave a comment

Family means so much
to so many people

my genetic relatives profess
Family
as the utmost of all people
those who have your back no matter what
the only humans you can truly count on
(most of them still live within a thirty minute drive of each other to this day.)

my friends, my community, unaccepted within their blood kin
find Found Family
to love them
without reservation
without expectation
without conditions
and count on each other

i am lucky enough to have both
blood and non-blood relations
who love me
unconditionally
but that brings with it
division of time
of love
of feelings
of celebrations

(and it is only the Family from birth
who saw me grow as i did
which is sometimes a good thing
and sometimes a not so good thing;
and there are memories,
sometimes lovely
sometimes hard
when in their company)

but

there is an awfully grand sense of growing
when i am able to fully help with the labor
i only ever messed up or ignored
as a child;
and to be able to pass that on to
the children younger than myself…

that feeling, it’s

Indescribable.

November 22, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the joyful teasing
the conviviality of being around each other
the discussing
planning
problem-solving
the sharing, watching, playing
the family.

~~~

observation;
my downfall
[/upfall?]

~~~

can i
just
be good at acting
[on my own]
without needing such guidance
to stop overthinking?

[please???]

November 18, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the stress
and hassle
of planning for a family visit
is made all the more complex
in this time of COVID.

we [the family] are all vaccinated,
but half of us work
(or have worked)
in healthcare
so we know,
we know.

so is it worth
the 8+ hour drive
with dog?
is it worth traveling
(however carefully)
through some places with
less than stellar rates?
is it worth
even going
if we have a cold?
(every illness now is
a moment of pause
even if we know it isn’t
a coronavirus)

and with the family
not all that enthused anyway
should we again,
like last year
say next year?
[next year]
[next year]