so much i could be/should be doing
but i’m not doing
i’m not doing
instead i’m exhausted
i’m last-minute-ing
i can’t even tell if i’m
excited
or apprehensive
but i keep going
somehow
somehow
i keep going
executive dysfunction
February 3, 2024
avoiding
what i have to do
by doing
so many things i
should have been
doing
ages ago
eons ago
sweeping the floor
and putting the dishes away
and organizing whole clothing drawers
and nursing plants back to life
and applying for things
and
why does this happen?
why does the looming deadline of one things
encourage all the other
executives to start functioning?
but
but
but
how come i can’t do
literally
anything
without a deadline?
could i please
either
need deadlines to get started on something
or
use looming deadlines to get other things going?
why must i fight against both
in order to do things
i actually
want
to do
???
July 6, 2023
course-correcting
my sail needs some attention
there are holes and rips and i can’t seem to get the tail-wind right
and i don’t know anything about sailing
so i don’t know if i’m getting this analogy at all accurate
but i do feel
like a little sailboat
in the midst of a great ocean
trying to catch a breeze
but the winds of executive function
keep blowing right through me
March 2, 2023
i stall
and wait
and put off
until it’s been too long
and it would be embarrassing
to point out how long it’s been since we’ve talked
and then i wait just a little bit longer
and maybe, by the time we do
end up talking, it will
simply be a nice
surprise
November 11, 2022
i just
want to do
something
with my hands
embroidery
or sewing
beading
or cross-stitch
i’d try crochet
or knotting up friendship bracelets
at this point i’d give wire jewelry-making a go
but my brain
when i sit down
with supplies
and a project in mind
it gives no explanation
but simply says
no
so my hands fidget
and my body holds in the pressure
of anxiety about to explode
but my depression-ridden brain
becomes its own worst enemy
it laughs in the face of my wants and desires
and it only
ever says
no
no
no
no
no
August 24, 2021
went to sleep in a Mood™
woke up in a Whole Other Mood™
and i’m realizing how reliant i am on
the negative talk and self-sabotage and executive dysfunction
to truly be the blame for when things go wrong,
so when i am happy, when i do actually put forth the effort
to try to do things right,
and if circumstances just happen to breed the same outcome…
the low-key self-hatred,
the kind i can ignore away
because it’s always there
becomes loud
becomes bites with teeth
and those teeth are the “proof” from the external factors
which i know, logically, are circumstantial,
or i could have done something to change, but i literally didn’t know at the time
but damn if that bite isn’t sharp and deep
deep
deep down to my soul
till i start to believe the fanged monster
when they say
truly
no one loves you
and you are to blame
[look at all this proof]
~~~
and now we have the decision-making,
the ‘do i put this up on my site or not’-ing.
i’m truly fine;
i’m an adult, so i don’t have those crazy teen-hormones running around my brain and bloodstream
begging me to do something rash,
something stupid,
something irreversible.
and i am nothing if not an overthinker,
i can see the consequences of each and every action i might take
from here inside myself to externally to those i love
to forward moving in the future
and even back-ward looking to color the past
but that overthinking and knowing i’m too intellectual to actually do anything about anything
makes for even more frustration in the moment
there’s no outlet
no doing anything
just writing sad poetry
and waiting it all out…
so i guess
don’t take this as a plea for help
just take this in as my brain working some shit out.
~~~
just go read your own writing
maybe you’ll like yourself
one day
June 5, 2021
emails won’t
write themselves
[though sometimes
the dissociation
makes it feel as though
they, in fact, do.]
June 4, 2021
i think
i put things off
as a way to prove
that i am,
in fact,
a horrible person.
i am aware
that technically
this issue
stems directly
from depression:
‘executive dysfunction’
but that doesn’t stop me from observing myself
outside in
seeing the things i put off
the things i actually do
and making an educated guess.
and yes,
of course,
the depression absolutely affects the way(s) in which i view myself
and not only would i not have this executive dysfunction
if i didn’t have the depression
i also wouldn’t have such a low opinion of myself
but somehow i’ve decided that the two are linked
and that the effect is the cause, and the cause is the effect
because i can’t just see it as simple brain chemistry,
a result of this battle that’s been raging
in my brain
for years
that would be too easy
too simple
and it takes the blame off of my choices and actions
it puts those things out of my control
and if there’s one thing i have more of
than depression/anxiety
it’s control issues
so
instead
i’ve decided
that my executive dysfunction is not this ‘hard-to-quantify
direct mis-firing of neurons
in my brain’,
but instead it stems from my self-esteem
and my desire to be a good person
but ‘knowing’
deep down
that i am the actual worst
my worthlessness showing up
in my inactions
and that way i can blame my depression
as well as my whole sense of self.
kipventures 