dreams
of madison/
nightmares
of relaxation/
when might i become a person
who doesn’t ache
for escape?
dreams
July 27, 2022
there are some mornings
you wake up
and are ready for the day;
you start going through the list
of things to do
and you
get excited about he prospect
of accomplishing those tasks
and some mornings you wake up
and you can’t think about anything other than
when your next nap will be,
because you left your true self
somewhere in a dream
and you ned to get back there
in order to bring it with you
into the conscious waking land
(and without that self
you’re pretty much just falling asleep
wherever you stand/sit/stay anyway)
guess which this morning
is
July 2, 2022
i have a recurring dream
(in that it has happened twice)
where i’m trying to get to a
circus training place in
Bushwick
but the daytime trains are all delayed
so i have to take a lesser known line
but instead of being like a regular
subway
system
or even an
elevated train
it is pretty much a
mine cart
tromping
open aired
through secret forested areas of Brooklyn
on smaller rail lines
held up on top of stones and rocks
reminiscent of the tracks
i grew up
walking along
at all hours
day
and
night.
April 26, 2022
last night, Kip had a dream about Louka
and i had a dream about Computer
and they were both pretty good dreams;
nothing special,
just things that we’ve already done:
introducing Louka to babies
(and how calm and good she was with tiny humans)
and playing with Computer and her rope-fox
(and how excited she gets to run around the house and play and play and play).
and i want to dream about Louka,
i want to be able to touch her soft, soft fur again,
and feel her warmth,
stroke her skull,
and flap her ears,
pick up all sixty pounds of her,
run down inclines with her,
and calmly walk up roads,
see her soaking up the sun,
nuzzle my face into her
and soak up her good dog scent,
squeeze her paws,
and have her head rest on top of my leg,
feel her running/dancing legs as she sleeps
and listen to her dream barks.
my heart aches for Louka…
but at the same time, my heart is filled with this tiny puppy,
this little bundle of joy
(behind a very serious face)
this dog so young, she has no idea how to walk on a leash,
but so smart she’s already learned sit, lie down, and high-five
(the trick Louka taught herself),
i love her grumbles as she pulls at her toys,
and her whines as she stares at the cat
wanting so desperately to meet/play with her
(the cat is not at all ready,
yet),
i love how much this puppy destroys things
with her sharp puppy teeth
and how goofy she acts
when given ice cubes
(the only way Louka would get water sometimes),
and there’s a lot of things that seem like we’re
picking up where Louka left off,
but enough things are so damn different
with this tiny puppy
that it feels so cleansing.
i don’t know how my heart does it,
holds so much pain and grief
and yet so much love and newness
at the exact same time,
but my heart feels so achey
and so full.
and i thank both Louka and Computer
(and Mowgli for the interim/her bedtime cuddles/her insistent meows
so i pay attention to her and not the sadness)
and my Kip
for balancing me out
always.
November 7, 2021
i have so many
Interests
so many
Desires
so many
Hopes and Dreams and Plans and Futures
and i get stuck thinking
about
how
i’ll probably never accomplish them all
simply because a human life
is only so long
(and i’m cursed with needing that full 7-8 hours of sleep to function)
but still…
if i keep spending all my time
Worrying
and
Mourning
something
not yet lost
i’ll never even accomplish one of my desires,
will i?
(this poem is post-titled:
Just Try To Get An Agent And/Or Release Your Podcast Already!)
August 14, 2021
ever get lost in a dream
so much so
that when you wake up
you’re only half aware of the world around you
and half trying to remember what in the world your subconscious did to you the night before?
no reason,
just asking…
August 6, 2021
dear subconscious me,
please
don’t try to make me pay for the bus
in random change
and salt packets,
the me that is used to the world as it is
will be very resistant
(and very confused)
sincerely,
the part of my brain that was very aware my dream last night made little to no sense.
July 13, 2021
i have been filled
recently
with inspiration
true inspiration
flowing inspiration
from all over
and this morning
i had
*something*
i wanted to write about
to explore in words
to contemplate out loud
[on doc]
but it’s left me
dry
and i’ve hated everything i’ve started so far
so maybe a prompt is the way to go???
~~~
are poems of dreams
really more interesting
than a telling of that same
dream?
a prompt told me to write
out
a dream i remember
in as much detail
as i can remember
but here’s the catch:
my dreams
(like my thoughts)
are conceptual,
abstract
(at least in what i remember,
retain;
the dreams themselves are pretty mundane)
i remember
[maybe]
[possibly]
dreaming of the pants
i decided to wear today
deep pockets
large legs
flowing around
but still split
my nicknamed ‘gender euphoria pants’
because they are technically genderless
and anyone can wear them
it’s just a lot of people don’t
and i think my gender is not aligned
with the male or the female
the man or the woman
but instead
i’d call my gender
Cryptid.
(so anything that sets me
ever so slightly apart,
that makes you go “i think that was a human,
but i’m not entirely sure”
that’s me
that’s my gender
that’s my euphoria)
but i think i dreamed of these pants
reaching into the pocket
not finding the bottom exactly where i expected
and maybe there was something important there
and maybe i did eventually find it
and maybe there were other people/places/things inside this dream
but what i remember
are the pants
and the reach
and that’s it.
was that actually interesting content???
~~~
(i wonder if there are any of our animals
who are trans
and would rather be
“misgendered” by strangers
than have us
continually
“correct” them.
i think this might be why
i so rarely actually correct the stranger.
i’ll use the pronoun i know them as,
but not make a big deal out of it
(unless we’re at the vet
and it might affect the type of care)
but just in case
the animal gets some gender euphoria
every time a stranger
refers to them
by the “opposite gender”
than i know them as
i don’t want to come barreling in
with a correction
that is not
actually
correct.)
April 23, 2021
a vivid dream
can munch up
all my morning plans
my brain stuck
inside
—whatever it was that that was—
as my body slowly adjusts to conscious life,
the mind-parts are still millions of neuron-firings away
trying to hold on to the bright colors
and new characters
and strange places
(and lovely animals)
that my brain just kind of
made up
for the night,
trying to hold on to them
before they
float
away.
and even though i know i’ll be awake eventually,
even though i know that trying to hold on to the vividness
will just make its disappearance all the more devastating,
still i try,
stuck in the dream
secretly hoping to
not
get out of there.
kipventures 