depression

March 23, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

a sudden sad

is it the rain?
is it my own mistake
in ordering our breakfast day?
is it my hormones
being completely out of balance?
is it my mood disorder
and some sort of need to meditate?
or is it living under late-stage capitalism,
watching systems that care more for profit
than for people,
and observing tragedies,
wars,
and genocides
half a planet away
that i almost almost almost almost feel
i have some power to stop,
when in reality
i absolutely
do not?

guess it’s probably the rain…

March 21, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

lost
by the wayside
trapped
by the tears i cry
[a prison made of droplets
would be very asethetic
indeed]

at least there’s the smell
of cotton candy coffee
to bring me back to
this
reality

[whether or not that’s what i need
is not to be answered right now…

…probably]

February 17, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

maybe
one upon a time
i was happy
i was healed
i was a child without trauma
but now
i gotta
know it
own it
be it
and maybe work towards
getting back to the child we all
once were

[but why
can i not
think of children
without thinking of
every
single
child
killed by israel]

[i really can’t think of anything anymore
without finding a parallel
to the tragedy
in Palestine]

February 1, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

it’s weird
being self-aware/
being an actor/
creating everything in my mind
for a narrative
others may never see —
because i can feel
the light dimming behind my eyes,
i can hear
the music track slow
and dip in pitch
and distort
and stop,
i can imagine
all the indications
of depression
that would be
if my life were actually
a movie

but it isn’t
and i can fake happiness so hard
even i believe it sometimes

January 26, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

why are our plants so dusty?
why can’t i concentrate
on anything
but my own failings?
why is the puppy barking so loud?
doesn’t she know i’ve had a headache for days now?
will my nap
help any
of my focus/sadness/pains?

will the lesson later help my body
regain some of its magic
[maybe]?

[some questions for another rainy morning]

December 21, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

it’s that time of year
where the only dopamine is from the bright decorative lights after the sun sets at 4
and that of the morning sun hitting the frost just so
as i shiver in my own home
[no matter what the heat is set to]
and i can’t help but wish for the brighter days/the warmer ways
that summer months send us
and annoy us
and i would much rather be complaining of too much heat
than even a little bit of cold —
my muscles tighten up in winter,
my whole body stops moving smoothly,
and i can’t can’t cannot get happy
no matter what i do

[i can’t even get into
writing poetry in
the morningtime]

[but at least it gets better from here on out, right?]

December 11, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

a lot
a lot
a lot
is going on in my mind
is happening outside of my body
outside of my control
outside of my knowledge
and i can’t seem to let go
of the idea that i can (and should) be responsible
for everything
everyone
every action
every reaction
every moment in every time
and every time i remind myself
‘i’m just human
i’m solely mortal
i can’t change the past or the future’
i find a way to find fault in everything i’m saying
to myself
[maybe that’s why i don’t often speak up
when first meeting others —
i’m too busy
telling myself to
shut up]

December 4, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

keep going
keep running
someday
you’ll outrun
the pain
and the memories
and the flashbacks
and the reminders
and when you’ve finally gotten far enough away
then
and only then
can you fully feel the feelings without fear
(at least that’s what i hear)