depression

March 15, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

sitting here
at the corner of my table—
the table i write at daily
but slightly offset
from most mornings—
writing about depression
and despair
and i see a heart
lightly etched into
this table
that came to us
secondhand

the heart could be a human marking
it could be a grain of the wood
it could be a scratch that so perfectly emulated
the hearts we draw
complete happenstance

but i find it
both sanguine
and sad
that while writing poetry
meant to allow
myself to feel those lulls of utter
darkness
i glance over
and see
a symbol
of hope

March 5, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the panic in my body
gives way too easily
for how harsh it first appears

i don’t know if the approach is a remnant of
pre-hormone-stabilizing
or childhood trauma
or what
/
i don’t know if the swiftness with which
it all leaves
is some kind of trick my mind has decided to play
but whatever the cause
and for whatever reason
i suppose i’ll take it today

February 22, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

[im]perfection
plagues my mind
i strive for it
though i know it’s
unattainable

i try to rewire
rewrite
the narrative
the choice
to choose imperfection
but the core of me whispers
‘what if you’re just not trying hard enough
and you
and only you
are the one person who could do it
perfectly
and you’re just proving how much of a failure you are
by choosing
not to
try’

and i am stuck
in this cycle
never-ending
that only ends in
failure
failure
failure

a failing
of
me

February 20, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i’m pretty great
at
poetry of the mundane
(if i can give myself that credit)
but i’ve been edging towards
a more gruesome poetry
as of late

poetry of the gross daily tasks
the icky parts of being human
the scattered co-morbids of mental illness
the ones with strange satisfactions

and i don’t want to subject readers to such poems
as odes to pimple popping
and detailed descriptions of how my anxiety makes me
pick my skin to bleeding
but
they are part of my human experience
so maybe
they are also a part
of yours
?

January 23, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

they always say
‘follow the dopamine’
‘follow the dopamine’
but what if the desired dopamine
only arrives for a minute at a time–
you get a huge rush
of desire
of want
of an activity you know will
feed your whole soul
but life (or whatever)
gets quickly in the way—
you have to feed the animals
or use the restroom
or simply finish the one task you’re on now
but that tiny fraction of time
that it took to walk to the supplies
to fulfill that rush
of dopamine you followed
was enough to make it all
disappear

maybe i should start listening to
the ‘faults’ of adhd-ers
and use them as a blueprint
or some kind of a script
because this here is–
this cycle of almost-but-not-quite spikes
of dopamine
followed by long valleys of grand depression–
this is unsustainable
and, frankly,
ain’t
it.

January 22, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i wish i understood
my own moods:
where the deep depth of despair
comes from/
what makes it open its great maw
and swallow me whole
just to spit me out
a day or two [or a few] later

is it hormonal?
is it simply having a new experience on the agenda?
how am i happier when i’m about to do a novel activity
but also my anxiety
flies in the face of everything?
why can’t my brain/body/heart connection
calm down enough
to understand
to comprehend
to compassion and savor and
everything in-between?

i can feel myself begin to understand
that not understanding may be an important part
of connecting with my truest self.
but i’m an analytical little kip,
and understanding is how i start
to accept and love parts of myself,
so this seemingly completely randomized set of emotions
and emotional turmoil
just makes me want to comprehend it more/
hold it tighter/
because letting it go
and be
seems
the surest way for it to take over…

(but in what way doesn’t it take over
every
single
time?)

i’m hesitant
i’m breathing
i’m waiting
to understand
or to understand that i don’t need to understand
and i’m trying to prepare myself
for not understanding
but it’s so
damn
scary

-on a precipice-

January 20, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i feel like
every atom of my body
has been dipped in molasses
and is just trying to do the best it can
in the given circumstances

but that best
is not the best
i’m used to

so i keep pushing
when maybe what i need to do
is rest?

(i sleep all the time.
i don’t do much.
but when was the last time
i rested
without guilt?)

(was it ever???)

January 17, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

if we are to attack with metaphor
with analogy
with any sort of literary
device at our side
what would my depression be?

a shadow?

sounds too cliché
too perfect
but hear me out:

it’s always there
just sometimes i can’t see it
from my particular angle
and different environments
make it a different type
of shadow:
large and looming/
grounded and serene and looking just like me/
a tiny pool of darkness at my feet/
or not at all there
(but change one light
one type
of something
anything
in the room/place
and there it is again
and the question of
‘did it really leave
or was it just laying
in wait?’
and i’m unsure if we’re speaking
within the explanation or reality
within the metaphor or truly
just talking about my relationship
with my ever-constant frenemy
depression)

so if that darkness
is a shadow
what is my constant worry
of anxiety
what new analogy
could i find
for thee?