the shoulder
is in pain —
left
side
deafening
throbs of muscle tightness
silence
and then the occasional relief
just to tighten back
into an unreleasable knot
each pulse
extending the reach
of neurons firing warning shots
up my neck
down my arm
across my back
toward my head
and i don’t know how much longer
i can live with this
constant reminder
of my body’s
flaws
body
July 21, 2023
have i pushed myself
too far
too hard?
will i last
until
just past
the show?
can my body
ever
recover?
or am i making a big deal
out of this body
i have no idea how to deal with?
June 17, 2023
the sin of being me
is punishable
through inside and outside means
and my brain can only get so far
in forgiveness
when it’s constantly fighting against itself
and my body seems to cling to living
as it falls apart
and resolves towards innumerable lifetimes
and my soul only ever seems to
chill inside/beside
all this angst going on around and around and around
but the dark part of me
[brain?]
[heart?]
[body?]
[other?]
it keeps reminding me
that i am punishable
i should be punished
through some means
hold my beer
i’ll do it
myself
[‘if you want something done right,’
right?]
May 3, 2023
when my body lacks
one essential need
it tries so hard to compensate with others
the problem there comes in
when it affects my ability
to try to attain back that initial lack
so perhaps,
body,
you could let me actually sleep
those few more hours that i need,
instead of waking me up with hunger pangs
to try to feed my tired exhaustion
with digestible sustenance
just a thought.
February 16, 2023
my body feels like it is one slight accident away
from complete and total annihilation
but also
like it’s one good massage away from
actually feeling like a full and functional body once again
(so maybe i ought to schedule that body work)
January 6, 2023
feelings
feels
found around the heart
dissect them with the brain
and mind them with the body
is the soul the sole proprietor
of all at once?
or not?
September 3, 2022
the heart wants
what the heart wants
but the brain and body can be
so
suspicious
lazy
resistant
ennui-ed
[a poem about why i’ve wanted to sew
for literal months
but haven’t done a stitch]
August 7, 2022
an ode to circus bruises
you browngreygreenpurplebluesometimesred
indication that a new skill has been unlocked
and unlocked
and unlocked again
continued practice making more marks
but eventually
in a week
or two
or month
or so
you’ll fade to skin
and the skill will be rote
and the bruises no longer pop up
because my body
now knows
that pose
and on to the next one
February 28, 2022
drive is not enough,
desire is not enough,
ambition/hunger/passion-
-not enough,
when you have anxiety
breaking you down at every step,
when you have depression making sure
you know
that visualization
is just a foolish trick,
and that hunger is simply greed
in a different trench coat,
when you have your own brain
waging war
on every want you’ve ever wanted
it’s not enough
to want
to set the goals
to be proactive at all…
manifestation
only manifests
if your whole being is on the same wavelength
so how
do i
connect
my
divisions of self?
November 10, 2021
…is that why i’m so disconnected from my body now?
because i spent so many years
either
starving it to thrive in that social climate
or feeling like my mind was too expansive
for a regular human body
(and do i still feel like that
if i dig down deep
and ask?)
kipventures 