September 8, 2025

do other people’s bones
just kinda pop
and shift
into place
when their bodies move,
like they’re catching up
with the muscles and tendons and fat and signals
from the brain — the bones are lazing their days away
but are [eventually] taken along for the ride?

is that my whole issue? that literally none of my body parts move as one
unit?

i’m just body parts
and systems
and cells and bacteria and all the tiny things
all wrapped up into one trench-coat of an external “body”

[maybe that’s why they/them feels so good on me]

August 3, 2025

everything in my life
seems to be
on delayed reaction time —

processing traumatic events/
pain responses to any injury/
excitement and anxiety responses/
processing temperature changes in my body/
even my damn tarot cards seem
a little too far away from the reading
to the event they foretold
to be anything less than
delayed

[but, i suppose, that’s just how my body/soul
plays this little life game]

June 9, 2025

i’ve hit a roadblock
in my own lungs
and i can only theorize
about stress and anxiety showing itself in my body
before it gets to my conscious mind —
that’s the reason i can only take full breaths
in very specific instances
and never using the full capacity
of what my lungs should be

and i’m getting enough oxygen
[probably]
it’s just a little more than a little unsettling
to know i have more space for air
and to simply
not
be able to get it

March 22, 2025

burning hands
burning feets
burning face
how mystique
mistaken and confused
my kip’s nerve endings are being
have been
the last few weeks

[i hope we find out soon what’s going on]

January 22, 2025

i’d love to be a
“yes and”
find the funnest stream
go with the flow
and see whatever happens
happening
kind of person

but raising myself from the time i was
approximately 11
gave me some sort of
perfectionistic
type-a-personality
care and careful
self-preservation
overly cautious
kind of vibe constantly fighting against my
natural chaotic state

and hey

maybe it’s the opposite

maybe my natural state is more type-a
and the immediacy of seeing how
life is fleeting
gave me the drive to try to
induce chaos and joy in my life

but whichever way the truth lies
the sentiment still stands:
i have one part of me in chaos
and one part of me trying for strict alignment
and the two parts are forever fighting
inside my mind/my heart/my body/my soul
and rather than tempering each to a
reasonable level, they simply
stop
all action in either direction
and so i am neither cautious nor chaotic
i am simply

stuck.

January 11, 2025

trying desperately to please
at least two out of the three
of my soul/mind/body

but i think
i need to think
of the systems working together —
sometimes seemingly in opposition,
but they are all 100% part of me —
and if i can align myself
in harmony
and symmetry
with all three,
i think i may have an easier time
within the parts of me
that make me
me

October 7, 2024

i wish i knew
exactly what my body needs.
like, is it consistent sleep?
[if it is, then why won’t it let me rest?]
is it a full, balanced meal?
[if it is, why do i get nauseous half the time
looking at food that isn’t a
comfort?]
is it socialization
and people and
connecting?
[if it is, why must my nervous system
react so poorly whenever i’m around
anyone anyone anyone?]
is it something new that i haven’t even thought of yet?
[if it is, why am i so scared to do
anything?]

February 10, 2024

the shoulder
is in pain —
left
side
deafening
throbs of muscle tightness
silence
and then the occasional relief
just to tighten back
into an unreleasable knot
each pulse
extending the reach
of neurons firing warning shots
up my neck
down my arm
across my back
toward my head
and i don’t know how much longer
i can live with this
constant reminder
of my body’s
flaws

July 21, 2023

have i pushed myself
too far
too hard?

will i last
until
just past
the show?

can my body
ever
recover?

or am i making a big deal
out of this body
i have no idea how to deal with?