anxiety

June 12, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

how can there be
so much horror in the world
alongside such beauty?

how can death happen one day
and the next, the miracle of a whole new life?
how can those celebrating a graduation/
a union/
pure friendship
be next door to
domestic violent terror
in one’s own home?

i haven’t figured out yet
how to be a happy person
while also knowing
so much that happens behind
tightly closed doors

in front of
tightly shut eyes

because, from my position here,
it feels counterintuitive —
i’m trapped in feeling like
one thing cannot be acknowledged
if the other isn’t also

but perhaps that’s my own black and white
fault
thinking

because there’s also
often
mundane day happening
alongside mundane day

and it’s the grey that
somehow
sometimes
keeps us going

June 9, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i’ve hit a roadblock
in my own lungs
and i can only theorize
about stress and anxiety showing itself in my body
before it gets to my conscious mind —
that’s the reason i can only take full breaths
in very specific instances
and never using the full capacity
of what my lungs should be

and i’m getting enough oxygen
[probably]
it’s just a little more than a little unsettling
to know i have more space for air
and to simply
not
be able to get it

May 28, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

frustrations
and stress
and an almost good day yesterday
which should have lent itself to
an almost good sleep last night

but instead, it was some of the worst sleep i’ve had
in a month or two or three
[or more]

i suppose i shouldn’t discount
the amount that stress
impacts my own nighttime
half-waking ponderings…

May 26, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

quiet the mind
just enough to hear the important thoughts/
the creative thoughts/
the thoughts that are often drowned out
by anxiety rambling
and existential depression blues

there may be creative moments
inside those diatribes

but i’ve heard enough of them to know —
it’s getting past them
that the true me
lies

[in truth]

May 16, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

performing

anxiety
anticipation
excitement
fear

hope

acting

for better or worse
it was my first training
it was my most training
it is the time that i feel the most myself
on stage
even with the
anxiety
and fear
there is always still
anticipation
to excitement
to hope

[if you’ll be in nyc
tomorrow, may 17th,
come on out!]

May 3, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i don’t know how to stop my kip
from staring at their phone
reading the terrible news
and feeling worse
and worse
and worse
as the hours go by

because

if left to my own devices

i would stare at my phone
and watch videos of
on the ground tragedies
and feel worse
and worse
and worse
as the hours go by

and neither of us feeling worse
will change the things happening
halfway across the world
or right in our own backyard

we need to fill our cups
and have the hope
and energy
to put forth change
that will help
others
and ourselves

but
how
how
how
when everything feels so important
and hopeless
in the palms of our
hands?