ever feel like
you’ve regressed
in your talent
even while you’ve spent
every
single
day
practicing at it?
nah, me neither…
actor
July 7, 2022
i heard an acting coach say, once,
that her actors and their problems
could be pretty precisely divided up
into two distinct groups:
those who did all the homework, and needed to stop thinking so hard,
and those who weren’t coming in with the work done, and needed to put forth
more effort
i feel like i fall into both categories,
no matter how split she thought them;
i overthink and overanalyze and over worry
and yet, i feel like i never actually finish my basic homework,
and i come in with the feeling of flying by the seat of my pants
every chance
i get.
maybe i am in the first group
and my problem is
even while i’m not doing work
(and therefore think i’m in the second group)
i am still worry-working
and spending a whole ton of mental energy
as if i were in the first group
and that makes my general vibe
an over-thinker
over worker
over do-er
so where does that leave me now?
June 22, 2022
chasing that feeling
of being in the moment
when the moment is all
made up
a tale of an actor coming out of dissociation
June 12, 2022
show went fine
(maybe even great)
and now i get to stress about
a whole new performance
in a month
(why am i like this?)
March 29, 2022
yesterday was a
good(?!?)
day
chores accomplished
things done
(ahead of time even)
friends talked to
(friends!
what a concept!)
and i hope
that this energy
positivity
whatever-y
lasts
just a few days longer
because man, i have so many things on my to-do list
that are just waiting for a day
when i feel like i have the mental stamina
to do them.
~~~
toaster strudels
toasted
iced
eaten
bagels
ordered
made
still waiting
for delivery
(to house and to mouth)
do we need two different breakfasts this morning?
absolutely not.
but do we deserve them?
i’d say…
maybe?
~~~
being an actor is so weird
because not only are we
sharing intimate parts of
our selves/emotions/brains/pasts
and saying ‘hey, do you believe this
in a totally different context?’
we are also airing all our dirty laundry
out
for others’ entertainment
and hoping it’s cathartic
to both audience and us
(while still holding a piece
within our toolbox
just in case
we need it
again)
all the while,
those of us who have gone to school
for this
weirdness
have literally been graded
on things that
can be quite subjective
and we all just kind of had to
admit it
and accept it
and be graded
on our souls
(while being so young
we probably weren’t even connected
with the fullness
of those souls
quite yet)
(i know i, now, ten years later,
could still be more connected,
for my self and for my art.)
March 27, 2022
dealing with
A Thing™
emotions crashing against my walls
like tidal waves
tsunamis
of bitterness
resentment
betrayal
confusion
trust issues at it once more
and i just want to act
to do my best with my art
and i hope i can feel my ocean
while still remaining true to myself
and my scene partner
and the scene we’ve put together
but what happens
when you always come back
to feeling
just
a little bit
abandoned?
February 17, 2022
don’t be scared,
be you.
don’t be safe,
be you.
don’t overthink,
trust your instincts,
be you.
this seems like positive,
encouraging,
enlightening
advice
on the surface
but then my
[overthinking]
brain
turns it all on its head
again
aren’t the scared/
safe
parts
part of me,
too?
is it just another
nature vs. nurture?
how i was born
vs.
what the trauma turned me into?
what do i do
who can i be?
i contain multitudes
it’s why acting
so why can’t i trust the multitudes
within me?
trust
let go
surrender and embrace
January 24, 2022
we are now
well into
the third year
of living in new york city
and though i’m not where i thought i’d be,
the whole world isn’t where it thought it’d be
either.
the pandemic has really taken the onus
off my own head
for what i wanted to accomplish
when i got here,
and redirected my aims
not lower
just sideways-er,
from theatre/circus/maybe film
to voiceover/film/maybe circus
(and a little activism in there
because how could you not be
when looking at
this world)
and theatre…?
who knows what will happen
within this third year
(within these next few months/weeks/days)
but i do know that
governmental policies (or lack thereof) really left the public
out in the cold
at the very beginning
of this whole ordeal
and haven’t been able to rectify
that harm
(nor have i seen much in the way of trying)
and i shouldn’t have expected any better
but man
do i want
to trust
that people
will do the right things,
but power seems to corrupt
even the
best of us…
but
i was talking about
living in new york city
and my life here
(or lack thereof)
and all i have to say is,
though i don’t think i ever really got
the ‘true’
living in nyc experience,
i still suspect
i couldn’t live
anywhere
else.
January 21, 2022
what’s it like
to know what you want
day to day?
week to week?
year to year?
life to life?
[i wonder
and ponder
my own life through)
or
what’s it like
to see so few choices
that the choice seems
obvious
to you?
decision paralysis
is a subject
i’ve written abut before
(and thought/think about
damn near daily)
and yet
the subject
never seems
‘done’
to me.
(but maybe
it’s a combination
of regular decision paralysis
and the big choices i’m stuck on
that bleed into the littler ones:
my indecision
about my own career
(minus the big reasons i’ve chosen acting,
which is also a way to feed the paralysis;
acting has in it
the opportunity
to be
every career
with
every character),
but within that big choice
i get stuck on
what i want to wear
day to day
or what music
i’d like
to listen to…
but/because there are other things
i know
i like
and want:
i love all animals,
and rainbow is my favorite color,
and kindness i hold above all,
and coffee is the best drink (besides water),
i’m always in the mood for
bagels, indian food, or ice cream,
and i know i need balance in my day-to-day choices:
too much of socialization
will lead to needing a lot of alone time to re-charge,
and similarly,
too much solitary time on my own
and i begin to fall apart)
so, what is the conclusion,
or even the thesis,
of this poem?
is it simply that i can continue to be freaked out
by decisions
and the paralyses they induce,
but i should also admit
the duality
of the human spirit
and that i know what i want
far more than my paralysis shows?
or is it simply
to make a strong choice
and stick with it
(the lessons learned in improv class
so long ago)?
January 9, 2022
to delve back into
a former
self
i suppose i should use
and utilize
what i’m most afraid
of:
music being my strongest sense memory
i realize
that half the time
it is simply a chord or sustained note
that reminds me of a certain time
or place
or thought
or memory
but i also know certain songs
that hold those memories captive
like iron bubbles
i can see through
but they’re blurry
and i can’t seem to penetrate
unless i go fully inside
the song
so
i think i should
but i also think
i should do it
meditatively
with parameters
to hold the memories
and songs
in high esteem
treat them with reverence
and not abuse this power i’ve been granted
(nor rely on it too much
because i’m making new memories every day)
and what are the chances
that a song i listened to
a ton
in 2007/2008/2009
would show up through a randomizer in a little green app
[the visual memories aren’t yet here,
but boy is the emotional kerfuffle
strong
with this song…]
(what a ride that was)
kipventures 