getting up the gumption to ask for something
even if you’re completely ok with the answer being no
is the scariest thing
[or
am i more afraid
of the answer being
yes?]
a year in poetry
August 28, 2024
fall is full of figs
and spooky season seasonings
and i’m beginning to like the autumn
because the heat of summer here sure is oppressive
and everything feels like it’s
waiting
but here comes the doing
the happening
the season that gets busier and busier
and i feel like
maybe
i can find myself
before it gets too cold
August 27, 2024
what is this morning
but a slew of words
thrown up against
a screen
waiting for me
to make sense of them
August 26, 2024
stress dreams about travel
and hotel stays
and alarm systems
and cats
and i am still so tired
and though i don’t want to go back into the dream
[admittedly, there was some kind of mystery
i would have liked to figure out]
the desire to go back to sleep
after eating some sort of breakfast
and playing some sort of game
is so strong
i’m letting myself write myself tired
rather than write myself
awake
August 25, 2024
communication
through memes
when our own thoughts and feelings
are too
too
too much
August 24, 2024
august slips in
unassuming
hot and lazy
and fading summer away
till the end when it startles us
with our first few colder mornings —
the days still heat up
but the air around us breeds
change
that we should have seen coming
August 23, 2024
i’ve been feeling the draw
to compose my own stories
worlds
universes
but that’s the extent to which
this emotion/inspiration has taken me
just the desire
not the inspiration
not the story
not the need
just
the vibe
[but i think i need a little more than
a vibe
to convince this maybehd brain
to actually
do it]
August 22, 2024
the panic had receded
slightly
right around the trip
[maybe it’s because
i was travel-stressed
so i had no room in me
for any other stressors]
[maybe it was just the magic
of a trip
of a visit
to people i love]
whatever it was, i even felt less
the stress
of coming back here — opportunities seemed
gettable
achievable
doable
and i felt like i could march right in
to anywhere
and at least ask for what i want with my life
but now that i’m back
the existential dread has set right back in —
i barely had a day and a half
before i was sad
and panic-ridden
and overwhelmed
and lonely
in this city of millions and millions and millions
and yet i love it here
and it is definitely home
and i ache for it when i leave
how do you do this, nyc?
August 21, 2024
the first sip of coffee
creates quite the placebo effect in me —
i know my genetics don’t react that much
to caffeine
nor could the actual waking effect
happen while the liquid
is still in my mouth, but damn
simply tasting
and swallowing
this delicious brown bean soup
kicks my awareness
into overdrive
and i actually feel
kinda awake and alive
for the first time
the first moment
in the day
August 20, 2024
picking fresh figs out of our home fig tree
happy to be home
happy to be home
drinking our tap water
that even after ten days stuck in the pipes
tastes better than the liquid calcium i had
all last week
happy to be home
happy to be home
being able to control the internal temperature
of a whole house,
hearing no upstairs neighbors,
eating fresh fresh bagels every morning,
the ability to travel
without driving and driving and driving,
just being around our own stuff
and spaces
and our animals
finally
sated
[the puppy even got to sleep in our bed with us
last night]
happy to be home
happy to be home
happy to be home
kipventures 