if my connection to the universe
shows itself in
gut-feelings
and pre-physical-incident indications
and i can analyze those
to near-death
because i am so damn
analytical
then maybe, if i stop the overthinking
(or at least cut it down
as much as possible)
could my connection show itself
in other ways?
if i’m still getting the connection(s)
at my most evidence-needed/
over-thinking/
super-agnostic/
self,
what would happen if/when
i just
trust?
success
isn’t always fleeting
sometimes it’s delayed
or avoided
or even unknown
sometimes
success
means something different
from the outside than from the in
sometimes
success
shouldn’t be measured
anyway
because accomplishment
and competition
stem from that same capitalism
that’s ruining
everything
oh to be a puppy
happily chewing a faux bone
no cares in this world
but what to do if it gets lost
under a couch
oh to be a cat
content to sleep all day
and chase ghosts all night
and lay down all comfy
in whatever lap
she decides
wants her
oh to be a summer storm
rolling in to a parched land
thankful of the temperature-lowering powers
it brings with it
dropping rain
and giving an excellent light show
and changing the air pressure
for a time
oh to be anything but human
in late stage capitalism
here at this point in history–
the crossroads of
‘will we start caring
as a community
or will we let the world
burn?’
a stress
a little baby stress
is turning into a huge, monstrous, mountainous stress
and not because it’s actually getting bigger
but because i’m waiting longer
to deal with it
[when will i learn?]
~~~
but that’s the thing, isn’t it, about humans and stress–
different folks deal with different stressors
in different ways
~~~
maybe
just maybe
i might
just need
a nap
[and maybe
possibly
potentially
that’s part
of the
problem???]
ugh
being human…
nothing new to say
it’s all been done before
but maybe not by
exactly
me
audiences
are integral
to a performance
i wish it wasn’t so,
but it sure is.
so, if the audience’s energy
is lively,
is loving the show,
is literally having the time of their life–
the performer(s) will, too.
one hundred percent.
i usually tell new performers
(especially in circus)
to enjoy themselves on their apparatus–
the audience will respond to that enjoyment
and enjoy themselves,
and that energy from the audience
will encourage the performer,
who will send their energy back to the audience,
for a kind of reciprocal feedback loop
of joy.
but i often neglect
(on purpose)
the very real instances
of audiences being super low energy:
not responding to any energy from the performer(s);
or being weird:
responding in unexpected ways
that throws the performer’s energy off–
because you have to be a well-seasoned performer
to pick that kind of energy out
consciously
(but even novices will be able to tell
that something
is simply
‘off’)
does writing
get easier
the more i do it?
no.
does it at least get
more
intuitive?
no.
ok, but does it
seem like
it’s part of me,
like i could finally call myself
a ‘writer’
after writing
every single morning
since early 2020/
after finishing
a first draft
of a whole novel/
after keeping up
with this
daily poetry blog
for 470+ days?
kind of…?
i know
i know
i know
that taking days off
of anything
is good for me
i know
i know
i know
that nothing is truly lost when i skip
anything
for one singular day
but there are still
voices
in my head
trying to convince me
that momentum is everything,
and skipping ‘just one day’
leads to skipping two
and then just one week
and just one month
and then a year will have gone by
and two
and ten
and suddenly
i haven’t done it
again
since that first day
skipped…
and let me tell you,
my darling reader,
that’s a load of bullcrap.
those voices in my head
(unlike most of what i need to fight against
in my own mind)
are not my own;
they are the voices of
[well-meaning]
family members
who got concerned
when i took a year
of a break
between one college
and the next.
but they didn’t see the next,
they only saw
the gap,
the ‘giving up.’
and i wonder to this day
if it was those voices in my head
that convinced me
that fishing college—
any college—
was the best choice for me,
even when i might have been better served
at an academy
or going out on my own
and figuring some things about myself
out
before [even considering] trying to push myself
into an academic environment
where knowing oneself
would have given me
so much more
resilience
to get out of the program
what i wanted to get out of it
in the first place…
was momentum the right driving force
to lead me?
did i need to follow
everyone else’s instructions?
or would i have been better served
following my gut
(like i did for that gap year)
and forging my own path
like other [more trusting voices] said
i would?
i ended up forging my own path
eventually,
but let this be a lesson
to those who would worship at the altar
of life paths
and momentum
to maybe hold off on those words
with someone unique
and trail-blazing.
and let it be a lesson
to those of us
constantly making what wasn’t expected of us
work in our favor
(even when we don’t realize it)
that we already have enough voices in our heads to fight against;
outside voices
we can just
ignore.
bring the fear
down
trust in the
universe
will we be
happier?
will we be
better?
there are some mornings
you wake up
and are ready for the day;
you start going through the list
of things to do
and you
get excited about he prospect
of accomplishing those tasks
and some mornings you wake up
and you can’t think about anything other than
when your next nap will be,
because you left your true self
somewhere in a dream
and you ned to get back there
in order to bring it with you
into the conscious waking land
(and without that self
you’re pretty much just falling asleep
wherever you stand/sit/stay anyway)
guess which this morning
is
kipventures 