Author: HJ

January 17, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

apparently
i first opened this version
of scrivener
in january of 2021.
or,
more specifically,
january 17
in the morning.

and i only noticed the “first opened” notification
on this january 17
today
in the morning
[though in the 7:00 hour, not the 8,
as was the case
in 2021]

and i still can’t get over
the passage of time,
nor the happenstance
and connection
in my life.
but
i think it’s interesting
when things just kind of
align
and line up
and i can take that however
i like

January 16, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

half-formed poems
catastrophizing stuck in my head
until i think i’ll burst if i don’t
say
something
and then it’s there stuck in my throat
when i remember
actual
catastrophes

all while i’m too tired to sleep
and too sad to cry
and everything feels like a clock ticking down
down
down
but to what
inevitable
terror?

[or is this simply life in late-stage capitalism/climate crisis disaster?]

January 15, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

writing out what i need to work through,
but jumbles of feelings
and half-formed stanzas of
partially-formed thoughts
aren’t really something i’d want to share with
‘the public’
[or even, really, with myself]
so i guess i’ll write about writing
for the three-hundredth
three-thousandth
three-millionth time
and post that here
and hope
it at least makes some sense
and doesn’t feel too
deja vu-y

January 14, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

so
i woke up at 4:45
and played the game of
“what will put me back to sleep”
because my brain was too awake with
anxiety

so i learned some french
and sign language
and cuddled my kip and my puppy
and stared at a crossword puzzle
and the internet
and even tried
just breathing
but
by 5:35
i was still in my too-awake-era
and kip wanted to get up anyway

so we both placed some clothes on our bodies
and i bundled up with the dog on a walk
and fed both animals
and sat down to write
and now it’s just past 6:30 am
and it feels strange to stare at the outside
pitch black
and think about how i’ve been awake already
for almost two hours

but i suppose that’s what happens
when stress brain just won’t
turn
off

January 13, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

every time
we see a thirteen
in the date, we have to say:
“gasp! happy manniversary!”
even if it’s not a friday
even if it’s not in may
because every thirteenth
is our favorite day
[even when they don’t go so well,
or we don’t really celebrate
our anniversary
that day]
and we need a little more
joy
in our lives these days

[so here’s to
eight years
and eight months
of marriage!]

January 11, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

trying desperately to please
at least two out of the three
of my soul/mind/body

but i think
i need to think
of the systems working together —
sometimes seemingly in opposition,
but they are all 100% part of me —
and if i can align myself
in harmony
and symmetry
with all three,
i think i may have an easier time
within the parts of me
that make me
me

January 8, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

Cold

like Wisconsin was all winter

Cold

the opposite of what’s happening in LA, apparently, with their literal
red
hot
fires

Cold

the temperature outside is below freezing
and the “feels like” temperature is in the
single digits

Cold

but we have a house
and food
and warm warm booties

Cold

but this is only one day
in one week
in one month of one winter

and the days are already getting longer

Cold

and tomorrow may be
Cold
as well, but we’ll survive the

Cold

we will

we will.