Author: HJ

June 3, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i’ve now been writing for a little more than a month and a half
and i just started posting like a week ago
it’s definitely given me a perspective
i didn’t expect…

confidence
in old poems
re-reading large poems
with big concepts
assuming i’d need to edit/adjust/revise
before wanting to post them
but feeling like they are whole
already.

i still don’t know what this actually means
for my skills
in poem-making,
if i’m still stuck in the black and white view of
good or bad
first draft comes from the heart/soul/gut
so any changes will be disingenuous
so just post it
as is
(but
what if
i’m not unlocking
my true potential from
within)

(or
am i simply
avoiding
what i know will turn into
obsessive
obsession
for making it perfect
when poetry
thrives
in
imperfection?)

~~~

is there another poem inside me
today
this morning
is there something else i need to get out
another concept to contemplate
another topic to purge from my soul
another thought, barely formed, scratching at the corners of my mind?

really
what i’m thinking this morning
is
it’s so dreary out
and i have so much to do
and my head hurts like crazy
and all my body wants to do is nap
and all i want to do is find any motivation
anything
at all.

~~~

and yet
(and yet)
i’m actually super stoked about posting?!?!

June 2, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

language(s),
culture(s),
french has my heart
(le français a mon cœur)
but spanish…
spanish would be smarter
spanish would be more useable
(spanish isn’t really that far from the other languages i’ve studied
so it’s not completely foreign,
though i do find myself speaking it like french,
pronouncing (or not pronouncing) half the words
nasally
throatily)

but why is this another case of
all or nothing
black or white
why do i feel like i have to get
completely
fully
100% fluent
in french
before i can even start to study another language?

(i’ve already traveled to spanish-speaking countries,
even after a few months of [re]studying the language,
and still spent most of my time caught with one word
in a fully thought out spanish sentence
stuck in french.
what is extra study in french
really
going to do?)
(other than getting me stuck
more?
)

June 1, 2021

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just remember, folx,
in this epoch of rainbow capitalism
that wearing your Pride is encouraging,
exciting,
exceptional,
try (if you can) to buy queer-made
so that our money funds our community,
and so that the big businesses know
they can’t obfuscate our memories
with shiny color spectrums;
we remember when they funded hate speech against us,
(and we know they have never formally apologized,
just realized they could take our money as well as our humanity
at the same damn time),
and we know the true meaning of Pride
is against the man
against the machine
against the culture of conformity.

our ancestors fought hard fights
for us to live out loud today.
let us honor their memories
by fucking with the system
that holds anyone down.

May 31, 2021

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did some things
yesterday
this morning
just now
will continue to do things
as the day goes by
(a nice thing about holidays
when you’re still placing caution
from The Virus™
before familial or friendship
hangouts)
and the accomplishments
of cleaning
and organizing
can breathe new life
into this small box
and make it
more like
home.

May 30, 2021

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due dates
coming up
deadlines
when are they?

i feel in my gut
june 1st
(but also
maybe
may 30?)

the problem with thinking
“maybe apply to this,
maybe not…”
is that i don’t have a solid
“do this by this time”
i just have a vague
reminiscence
idea
memory
of a date and a thing
and nothing solid
(and nothing gets applied,
because i can never remember
any
specifics)

~~~

there are still poems swirling around in my head
that i feel i should make something out of
this storm in my psyche
but even when i write it out
the tempest is still there
and does that mean i’m never actually done pondering that subject matter
or does it mean that i can’t get everything into a poem that i could in prose
or does it mean that i’ll never ever capture my thoughts fully into words?

~~~

clean up
post
transform to lower case
post
read over quickly
post
decision
post
decision
post
decision
post
(is the posting taking the fun out of poetry?)
(or at least the honesty?)

May 29, 2021

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the never-ending trap
of Time
growing up it seems to go by so slowly
long summer nights
endless school days
waiting for santa claus
waiting to perform
waiting to hear back about important news
but somewhere around teenage years
it starts to slide
and no longer is there more time than you know what to do with
but it starts downhill and seems to snowball
out of control
days slip past you in the blink of an eye
(how has it been a decade since i went to college?)
and especially for someone like me
who has very little tracking in my internal clock about time
who could easily talk to a best friend from years gone by
and just be excited that we have even more life stories to talk about
it’s hard to quantify
where those years all went
because to me
they seem
to just
be…

gone

May 28, 2021

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big changes ahead
but way far ahead
too far ahead
(will they ever come true ahead)

but i’m usually itching to change
or so fearful it hurts
but right now everything feels…
…
…
…
…shifty
(is that the right word?
i was originally going to go with ‘stale’
but that’s usually what it feels like
when i desire the change,
but ‘content’ isn’t right either,
i’d be happy to change
or happy to stay,
i think it feels like there are things in flux
that i am not yet aware of
that maybe i can follow a path
that is being set for me as of right now
(though
as i write this
i know
i’m stubborn
and contrary
and i’ve never followed a pre-determined path in my life
[except when it comes to recipes]
i don’t know how to align
the alignment
i feel like i need to do more research
into myself)
maybe,
the path that’s being set
is my own?)

(if only…)

May 27, 2021

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why is it that
when i was so young
(and looked like a baby)
i felt so damn old,

and why is it that
now that i’m older
(though i still look a bit young)
i feel like a baby?

(i actually know the answer to this:
it’s the trauma.)

May 26, 2021

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writing
posting
editing
sharing
there is a different me that comes out
whenever i start to edit and actually do things
(but, again, is that the real me?
is there only one true real me?
are all these hjs part of the one true hj?)
and that’s why i get so freaked out
with the internet and social media
because it only really allows for one of you,
when truly
everyone is made up of so much:
their thoughts and feelings
their past and memories
their response to trauma
their response to non-trauma
any mental illness(es) they may (or may not) have
their likes
and loves
and dislikes
and hates
the people who raised them
the people they raised
the people surrounding them
the people they’ve stopped attaching themselves to
their schooling
their education
(because those are two separate things)
their hobbies and interests
the things they do when they’re bored
the dreams and hopes and aspirations
and even as i list these things
even if i were able to list all the things i could think up
in words and analogies and metaphors and phrases
it still wouldn’t be enough
because,
though i do love to complain about them,
humans are beautiful and complex creatures,
and they can never be summed up
in words;
the ineffable beings,
the infinity of selves,
they (we) all hold inside.