worthlessness

April 6, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i am
a very stubborn person
a very strongheaded person
an i-put-my-mind-to-a-task-and-i-do-it person
a person who sets a goal and sticks to it
a person who does things

when i was sixteen years old, without a flexible muscle in my body
i decided i wanted to be flexible
so i stretched every morning
and was, after just a few months
able to do all splits
and waterfall into a back-bend
and i did this with very little knowledge
(which would bite me in the ass later,
but that’s not the point of this poem)
i wanted to be something
so i set my mind
and i did it.

i have other examples
of stubbornness
of setting my mind
but that is the one i call upon first
because it is such a clearcut example
of how i can accomplish
anything
i put my mind to

so why can’t i ever set my mind to loving myself
to forgiving myself
to cutting myself a little bit of slack
to giving myself a little bit of a mental break over things that
i probably had very little control over in the first place?

is it because i don’t actually want to love/forgive/let myself off the hook?

i’d say
probably

(but then that brings up a whole new question
which is
why?

why do i think i don’t deserve love?
why do i think i’m reprehensible if i dare to cut myself the tiniest bit of slack?
why does my feeling of worthiness come directly from how worthless i can
make myself feel?

this doesn’t seem healthy or accurate or growth-inducing

so why do i still do it?)

(i don’t have any answers right now)

August 8, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

finding the perfect music station
is an art
(one i’m not nearly as familiar with
as my spouse)
and so when i’m doing my morning pages/poems
without them
(because sleep is a necessity)
and have to find some morning tunes
on my own
i never land on
what i initially think i’ll land on…

at least there’s coffee.

~~~

so hungry
but i’m not used to eating while writing
i eat and suddenly i want
passive entertainment
it seems this old dog needs to learn a couple new tricks

~~~

if i leave
and come back
will i keep the thread of morning poetry?

~~~

fed,
caffeinated,
[not yet watered],
and i feel so much better able to
really get into these here morning page poems

is this what i *should* be doing each morning?
instead of simply sipping coffee
and waiting until after i write to eat my breakfast?

or is this simply a daily thing
that changes around
and adjusts
as my own outlook
and mood
and level of tiredness
adjusts
day
by
day
by
day
?

~~~

i mean, if i’m going to be writing a million small poems
(and by a million, let’s be honest and say probably six)
might as well just
truly
go for it.

~~~

the nerves are starting to settle in
about class later on today
(this is why i enjoyed having a circus class prior to acting class
yes, i never got to nap,
but i also never spent half the day worrying about/obsessing over my performance)

i like how our teacher sets up the class
you perform, and then she asks what goals you had for that particular scene or monologue
and this week i’m simply hoping to continue the work
that suddenly broke free two weeks ago.
i want to breathe into the monologue,
i want to be in the moment,
and i want to use my own self-loathing
to create art
instead of beating myself down all the time.

and yes, the ultimate goal is health
and possibly, someday, not constantly feeling like the most worthless hunk of flesh on the planet,
but while that’s what it’s like in my brain,
might as well be honest
and use it to connect with this character i’ve been [not so secretly] wanting to play for ages,
and maybe if i can connect while i’m in the throes of
not-so-great mental health
maybe that means i can find my way in
when i am in a healthier mental state
remember the physical sensations
without being too harsh…

maybe?

but today isn’t about how to get there down the road
that’s not the goal today;
it’s to be in the present
to breathe into the moment
to know that i have all this inside me
and relax
and trust
and simply let myself shine through.

July 26, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

[i may have talked about this before, but]
inspirations
affirmations
declarations
don’t really work for me

there is a huge gap between where i am now
(in the process of deconstructing decades of feeling completely worthless)
to the exact point of an affirmation
(“you are enough”)
or a positive reminder
(“be kinder to yourself”)

but through therapy
and tiktok
and queer acting class
i’ve learned that i can nudge myself away from the black and white thinking
and into the essence of these inspirations
through simple wording choices:

what if statements
(“what if i am enough”)
[look at that, too,
my example phrasing changed from a ‘you’ to an ‘i’
because it felt so much more accessible this way]
and similarly with permission instead of declaration
(“i am allowed to be kinder to myself”)

and no, it’s not fixing everything right away,
i didn’t find these work-arounds and immediately feel
completely
mentally
emotionally
healthy,
but it’s a way to start accessing that healing towards a health
that always felt so far away
why
even
try

[now i can try!]

June 4, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i think
i put things off
as a way to prove
that i am,
in fact,
a horrible person.

i am aware
that technically
this issue
stems directly
from depression:
‘executive dysfunction’

but that doesn’t stop me from observing myself
outside in
seeing the things i put off
the things i actually do
and making an educated guess.

and yes,
of course,
the depression absolutely affects the way(s) in which i view myself
and not only would i not have this executive dysfunction
if i didn’t have the depression
i also wouldn’t have such a low opinion of myself

but somehow i’ve decided that the two are linked
and that the effect is the cause, and the cause is the effect
because i can’t just see it as simple brain chemistry,
a result of this battle that’s been raging
in my brain
for years

that would be too easy
too simple
and it takes the blame off of my choices and actions
it puts those things out of my control
and if there’s one thing i have more of
than depression/anxiety
it’s control issues

so
instead
i’ve decided
that my executive dysfunction is not this ‘hard-to-quantify
direct mis-firing of neurons
in my brain’,
but instead it stems from my self-esteem
and my desire to be a good person
but ‘knowing’
deep down
that i am the actual worst
my worthlessness showing up
in my inactions

and that way i can blame my depression
as well as my whole sense of self.