the snow sprinkles downwards
as i look towards the sky
wondering why
wonder when
wondering how
the beauty laid out on the ground
but i always search for answers
rather than accepting
beauty for beauty’s sake
(which may make me a curmudgeon,
but damn is there beauty in science
too)
so cold
too cold to think
too cold to do much else
but obsess about the cold
~~~
apparently that poem is too true
my brain has short-circuited
and i ponder things other than the cold
but they only flit in and out
as my body gets used to the
inside heat once more
(even though it’s not nearly as heated
as my freeze-baby body would prefer)
(and that’s still with snow pants and a sweater on)
(but will i stop drinking this ice-cold coffee?
absolutely not.)
~~~
fake fireplace
give me warmth
flicker your rolling light flames
and force heated air towards my
shivering bod
my one solace in the wintertime
see
me
doing the work
writing the things
pushing
daily
meet
me
in between
the day and the night
the push and the pull
the enjoying the work
and the pushing through for completionist’s sake
and do it all
in a mf-ing
pandemic
~~~
don’t know where that came from
except my brain
so i guess it’s not all sunflowers and random peaks of
existential dread
up in here…
~~~
the thing is, i’m not pushing
that hard,
like,
i do like
writing
i enjoy it
and [especially] when i get into flow
it’s the most fulfilled and productive i feel
but the last few days/weeks have felt
‘off’
and i can’t quite figure out why,
but i just keep going
and if i don’t write anything that i deem
‘good enough’ for posting
i simply go back to other days
where writing felt smoother
and more ‘of me’
(or something)
and i post that
(which i’ve done before
but maybe not so many days in a row?)
(and even the written — posted days
feel
not great)
did the second poetry-writing challenge break me?
or is this simply the effects of wintertime
(and every year i’m surprised)
every step
i take
outside
in the
wind-chill-at-1-degree-fahrenheit
air
i say to myself
‘this sucks,
but it’s not as bad as Wisconsin’
‘i hate this
but it’s not as bad as Wisconsin’
‘i’m cold
but this isn’t nearly as bad
as Wisconsin’
we might have sub-zero winds
today
but at least we don’t have
starting-at-negative-twenty-with-wind-chills-down-to-negative-fifty
don’t-stay-outside-longer-than-five-minutes-or-your-retinas-will-freeze
snowing-so-hard-you-have-to-shovel-the-driveway-four-times-in-five-hours-to-keep-up
weather…
this sucks,
i hate this,
i’m so damn cold,
but at least i’m not out in the air of Wisconsin.
having been burned by
the National Weather Service
and over-preparedness
in the past,
the Kips opted
to ignore the
winter weather advisory
for their area
and sleep comfortably in a home
with
no shovel
and
no rock salt
and woke to some of the
pack-y-est snow they’ve seen
in NYC
thus far.
but all is not lost,
for these two new(ish) homeowners,
for they had opted for a push-broom
to rid their driveway of autumnal leaves
and that seemed to work fine
(for now)
for the little piece of sidewalk
and tiny driveway
that they have
and perhaps,
if it does continue to snow
(as the weather app says)
they will brave the icy streets
(which hold no fear in the driving Kip,
having spent six years in Wisconsin
driving multiple times a day)
to pick up
a brand new snow shovel
and a bucket of (pet safe) salt.
but for now:
coffee,
bagels,
and enjoying this wonderland view.
and there’s an ache
for slowing down
this time of year
not really a desire
but a halting
a sudden, unexplainable
working through molasses
everything seems to take twice the energy
and i have less than half of my usual
every winter i feel this way
the expectation to go into hibernation
and the feeling/knowing i won’t/can’t
(and yet, there’s a feeling of growing
of expanding
of changing
of being
but
i’ve felt that so much
how long have i spent inside this chrysalis
and how long do i have to decide
to come out
or stay
and if i stay
will i just
always
and forever
be
goo?)
there’s snow
snow outside
snow out of doors
snow dropping flakes
on my giant winter coat
designed with astronauts in mind
but it still can’t keep me completely warm
in Wisconsin Winters
and Northern Ohio Thanksgivings
and Pennsylvania Stays
but maybe,
just maybe,
when we’re back in New York
(the city)
the weather will be a bit more reasonable
and i can keep warm
and it won’t snow too much
and i can keep being excited about
NYC
instead of dreaming of
far-off
LA
NOLA
Costa Rica
places where my body feels
it was meant to be
(at least in the cold months)
the wintertime
arrival
puts me in a mood of
hibernation
and i know so much can be done
in the colder months
but
i get so
quietly
sad
that it feels disingenuous to commit to anything
no class
no meetings
no future plans
no trips
none
but i know
it’s better for my
mental health
to continue
as if
the changing seasons didn’t immediately crush my soul,
but my joy
is often found
running around outside
(especially at night
when the rays of the sun
cannot find my shockingly pale skin)
but the nighttime now
is the coldest there is
and the daytime
offers only shreds of warmth
in the very sun i tried all summer to avoid
and it all just feels like
too much planning
and i’m better off
hiding
away from the sun
and cold
and snow
and “jolly” holiday times
(which hold in them more trauma than simple physical discomfort)
in a cozy home
with a cat on my lap
and a dog on the couch
and no to-do list on my screen
and simply imagine that i will get all my wishes and goals and hopes and dreams
accomplished
next year
(when it’s warm again…)
running out to the sidewalk
big chunks of snow falling
pockmarking the small white hills,
the yellow of a taxi cab
shining
in the not-quite-twilight of
5:45 pm
on a february friday,
the haze of pink-ish-purple
lighting the sky
in that way that
only an NYC dusk truly can,
my eyes adjusting to clearer vision,
happy
(for once)
to exist.
there’s a feeling in the air
a crispness
but not a coldness
it’s almost 5pm and the sun still hasn’t set
yet
and i feel like this feeling is hope.
there’s music in my ears
music i’ve never listened to before
and if i wanted some obscure Asian cuisine
i just get off at a different stop
on this very subway train,
i’m not saying i’m wholly happy
nor that New York feels like home
quite yet
but
there’s a feeling in the air
and i feel
like this feeling
could
be
hope
kipventures 