i had a moment the other day
when the clarity came over me
and i knew i wanted to re-read all my poetry
and put together
a book or a zine or a something
to publish
myself or sent
and i had the energy in that moment
to do it
all
and now
now i’m so tired again…
why is my brain
so certain in one moment
of one
thing, and then in the next
absolutely
factually
sure
about
the
opposite???
i want to hypnotize myself
into actually trying
full out
when i want something
rather than shooting myself in the foot/
ripping the rug right out from under me/
doing other things to ruin my chances
because…why?
because i somehow still believe i don’t deserve good things?
because i’m scared to committing to one thing
and believe that means i’m cutting off options
for any other possibility in my potential life?
because i am still not convinced that all of this is really real?
those are all terrible reasons
and i still can’t convince myself
with my conscious/logic brain
to make my subconsciousness
stop destroying all my chances
[that’s why i need so many
non-pressurized hobbies —
because the minute they matter
i
implode
]
constantly feeling on a precipice
of the world burning
of my own superstardom
of our own government disintegrating
of my writing something inviting and entrancing
to my own
senses
but i think,
at least for my own cliffs’ edges,
i cannot wait for the feeling of falling —
i need to just
jump
if only
i wanted things
and then let myself take steps
towards them
~~~
ok
so what about wanting small things
and letting myself lead up to them
and taking those steps
all for me
all for me?
~~~
these morning pages are a bit of a mess
and i’m a bit of a mess
and i’m stressing and stressing
but maybe someday i’ll know what i’m trying to say
i feel a yearning to yearn
a desire to want
a longing to feel like i want to feel
anything at all
kipventures 