i think my lot in life
is to fight fascism with
art
humanity
and softness
i don’t know how much of an impact i can make
but i can make you think about the fact that i don’t consider
fascists
humans
and perhaps that’s enough to get our brains working on critical thinking once more
contemplating civil unrest
and violence
and propaganda
and slippery slopes
and all the things that my mind is stuck on
daily
alongside the silly things
i have anxiety about
as well
if only my brain could give an indication of
what it actually is anxious about
because, if it’s the very real dangers
that are closer than people would like to admit
[though i will be fair here and give credence to the
systems in place to stop a war from happening, but
the state-sponsored violence is scary enough
already]
then maybe i have a mind that is
realistic
and preparing me
for potential trauma,
but
if it’s just freaked out about the menial
mundane
teeny tiny things
[and i’d actually do ok
in even more “unprecedented times”]
then maybe a medical intervention
to my anxiety is what is needed
at this time
but no, my distress
and obsession
bounce back and forth between
what are very real, but probably far away, fears
and overreacting to daily issues
most folks seem to deal with
mindlessly
i don’t want to lose my ability to be prepared for any eventuality
but, damn, this preparedness is killing me…
why isn’t it more acceptable
to protest with
citizenship?
[i mean, i know why
logistically
but wouldn’t that be an interesting world to live in
if it was actually feasible to do so?]
kip and i have spent a fair amount of christmases
and new years[es]
in foreign countries
and i
personally
have spent a few july 4ths
far away from the united states
perhaps this could become another tradition
because, damn, i wouldn’t mind
never having to look at another nationalist capitalist display
of red, white, and blue
touting patriotism as a personality
to be sold and bought
at any price
it is very nice
waking up on the fourth
and not being reminded
of our country’s supposed “greatness”
because we are on a whole ‘nother continent
which believes more like we do —
that the united states has done
just about
nothing
to earn the term
great
[or maybe they don’t think about our country much at all
which is, perhaps,
even better]
whenever folks have asked me, lately,
how i’m doing
[as a regular “good morning”/“hello again!” introduction]
i always answer honestly
[because i really can’t not
unless i’m in the midst of going somewhere else
and only have the time for the word “fine”]
i’ve been answering
after a pause
“good? i mean, if i’m not thinking about
the state of the world
and our country
and the eroding rights
that no one in power
seems to be stopping,
yeah, i’m actually, surprisingly, doing well.
but, you know, the minute i think about
anything outside of myself
i fall apart”
and the folks who have asked me
nod in agreement
then sigh and shake their heads in disgust
and we begin a dialogue
about all the terror
located in our nations capital
[and all over]
and while this hostile government takeover/
overt turn into fascism
is actively terrifying and illegal and immoral
it is making it okay
to talk about government abuses
in the day to day,
and be honest
that we shouldn’t actually
be okay,
so i suppose i’ll give it that.
[strangely, does fascism bring us all in
closer to community
because we actively, finally, see
what we all so desperately need?]
the plight of the whistleblower
is to have enough morality
that you step forward,
but to have enough tactical planning
to get yourself in the space to have the evidence
first
i wish
i wish i
wish i could be
that tactical
[or that close to valuable info]
but the moment i feel uncomfortable
morally
i either shout it out to/from the rooftops
or speed away in the opposite direction
[one of many reasons i’m never privy to any sensitive information]
i suppose i’m trying to convey that
i’m proud of anyone who can stay in a situation,
gathering,
without losing themselves
whistleblowers, you have my great respect
now if only your evidence counted for anything
in this clownshow of a government
faces of power
masking the faceless doing the dirty work
because a soldier could be found guilty
in a tribunal of war crimes
but apparently orange cheetos
and their sidekicks
are never going to face any
consequences
‘are you planning on leaving the country?
if so, why?’
a friend asked that
anonymously
of all their trans compatriots,
and i answered based on
healthcare
and preparation,
but my real answer
is more to do with the intersection
of depression
and queerness, which is
‘yes, because how am i supposed to fight
for my own and others’ rights
if i, myself, want to die?’
‘you’ve already survived all your worst days’
could be so helpful
so hopeful
but to me/to my always overthinking brain, i wonder if i haven’t
if i’m somewhere deep in my mind, and i’m actually unsurviving,
or if that just means that the ones i have survived
have been pieces of cake compared to
what’s coming
what’s coming,
and also, i tend to compare
i try not to, but it’s what my brain does
automatically
without me asking
and my worst day felt so bad in my mind
but there are others who have had to deal with external worsts
and they are going through that literally daily
as my country continues to aid the perpetrators
sending money and explosives to a country
that literally doesn’t need it
so why are we still providing
pieces of other people’s
worst days
worst days
worst
days
?
kipventures 