turning depression into art

October 7, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i wish i knew
exactly what my body needs.
like, is it consistent sleep?
[if it is, then why won’t it let me rest?]
is it a full, balanced meal?
[if it is, why do i get nauseous half the time
looking at food that isn’t a
comfort?]
is it socialization
and people and
connecting?
[if it is, why must my nervous system
react so poorly whenever i’m around
anyone anyone anyone?]
is it something new that i haven’t even thought of yet?
[if it is, why am i so scared to do
anything?]

October 4, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

meander into my life
and i’ll appreciate you forever/
meander out and i’ll still
talk about you
lovingly
from time to time to time/
force your way in, and i’ll find space
in my heart
for everything you have to say
and everything you represent/
but force your way out
and i’ll never ever ever ever
ever ever forgive you

~~~

the trauma and angst is heavy this morning
and yet it feels brighter
and happier
than mornings have been
lately

~~~

capture the light of life
in poetry
and maybe
life will capture you
and kiss you
and place you back
gently
into the light

August 22, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the panic had receded
slightly
right around the trip
[maybe it’s because
i was travel-stressed
so i had no room in me
for any other stressors]
[maybe it was just the magic
of a trip
of a visit
to people i love]
whatever it was, i even felt less
the stress
of coming back here — opportunities seemed
gettable
achievable
doable
and i felt like i could march right in
to anywhere
and at least ask for what i want with my life

but now that i’m back
the existential dread has set right back in —
i barely had a day and a half
before i was sad
and panic-ridden
and overwhelmed
and lonely
in this city of millions and millions and millions

and yet i love it here
and it is definitely home
and i ache for it when i leave

how do you do this, nyc?

April 10, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i feel like i have
whatever’s opposite of taking things
for granted

like i hold things as too precious
so as to prepare myself for the day
they are gone

[neither of these approaches
really help with
living in the moment though]

March 23, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

a sudden sad

is it the rain?
is it my own mistake
in ordering our breakfast day?
is it my hormones
being completely out of balance?
is it my mood disorder
and some sort of need to meditate?
or is it living under late-stage capitalism,
watching systems that care more for profit
than for people,
and observing tragedies,
wars,
and genocides
half a planet away
that i almost almost almost almost feel
i have some power to stop,
when in reality
i absolutely
do not?

guess it’s probably the rain…

March 21, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

lost
by the wayside
trapped
by the tears i cry
[a prison made of droplets
would be very asethetic
indeed]

at least there’s the smell
of cotton candy coffee
to bring me back to
this
reality

[whether or not that’s what i need
is not to be answered right now…

…probably]