trying
and trying
and feeling like i’m failing
but maybe i’m falling
up
trying
April 13, 2026
scrolling the feed
social media and doom
and feeling the gloom of
what a world what a world what a world
reading the newspaper
and seeing only sensation
the worst things are what sell
what a world what a world what a world
listening to the hot gossip
and feeling not so great about it
and maybe the subject matter and the talk give me
what a world what a world what a world
what a world
i cry
what a world
i try to fly away from it all
what a world
i mean
i’d like to die
but that could just be the suicidal ideation talking
or it could be this world
what a world
what a world
it could just be
this world
and here’s the thing
i know
i know
i know the world
can be pretty great sometimes
the people
their actions
there’s compassion everywhere
if you know what to look for
but sometimes we get caught up thinking
what a world
that we forget
what a world
to take a moment
what a world
and forget
what a world
about the world
what a world
and concentrate
what a world
on those
what a world
immediately
what a world
surrounding us
what a
huh
these folks/animals/vibes are pretty nice actually
what a
kind
cozy
comfy
tiny
world
March 10, 2026
my own imagination
is a fickle, fickle place
sometimes a comfort
sometimes an anxiety-ridden nightmare
full of all the fuel i put into it
over years and decades of
self-hatred
and self-loathing
and self-harming
and imploding
and all i thought i’d want to accomplish
and all i still want to do
but am frozen to
the spot when i try to try
maybe
as with the imagination
i just need to keep on
gently
trying
and exploring
till i find a neat little [abandoned] space
and sit inside it
for a while
January 17, 2026
distract yourself with crimson glaze
with pink chiffon
with aesthetics and
art
[is art a distraction?
or is it a human need?]
[or is distraction itself
sometimes
a need?]
[i don’t know
i don’t know
i try to speak for
the entirety of the human race
but so few of them make any sense
to my own senses
that i’m simply trying to
live life
i’m simply trying to
continue to
want to live life
keep life
going
i’m simply trying to
try
sometimes
not even all the time
just
sometimes
sometimes sometimes
sometimes be my own human self
sometimes try to speak for
those in the human race that today’s humanity
seems to leave behind
sometimes try to
connect with others
in a way that
raises both parties up
from one level of existence
to another
greater
kinder
more enlightened
not to be better than others
but to carry everyone
with us — if i share enlightenment with three people
and each of them share with
three more
how long until we have all of humanity
together
and looking out for
each other?]
this rambling poem
is to say
as much as i feel like i
will never understand the
rest of the human race, i keep making art
for them for them for them
for the connection to get to know them
and have them know me
i can’t help it
that’s part of living as/with
humanity
September 4, 2025
pondering
teaching
directing
improvising
trying new things
[and not too new new things]
and still
maybe
sewing
and writing
and reading
and playing
and flying
and learning
and living
February 12, 2025
we are all just trying
to get along
get along
get along
with ourselves
with our neighbors
with our coworkers and family and friends
get along by getting along
isn’t that how it
always is
September 30, 2024
windshield wipers
swipe the gentle drizzle
away from my sight
as i try to listen
and hear
and absorb
and accept
this love coming at me from the passenger side
but it’s hard when your own brain gives you ways
to always counter with absurd logic
anything better than
utter self-hatred
but i’m trying
i’m trying
i’m trying
July 26, 2021
[i may have talked about this before, but]
inspirations
affirmations
declarations
don’t really work for me
there is a huge gap between where i am now
(in the process of deconstructing decades of feeling completely worthless)
to the exact point of an affirmation
(“you are enough”)
or a positive reminder
(“be kinder to yourself”)
but through therapy
and tiktok
and queer acting class
i’ve learned that i can nudge myself away from the black and white thinking
and into the essence of these inspirations
through simple wording choices:
what if statements
(“what if i am enough”)
[look at that, too,
my example phrasing changed from a ‘you’ to an ‘i’
because it felt so much more accessible this way]
and similarly with permission instead of declaration
(“i am allowed to be kinder to myself”)
and no, it’s not fixing everything right away,
i didn’t find these work-arounds and immediately feel
completely
mentally
emotionally
healthy,
but it’s a way to start accessing that healing towards a health
that always felt so far away
why
even
try
[now i can try!]