sharing
is caring
but sometimes sharing doesn’t come
up right away, and needs years of
establishing trust and instincts and
rapport and a shared understanding of the world
sometimes sharing
needs to come after miles and miles of other
sharing
sometimes sharing doesn’t happen until
you’ve been married nearly
ten years
it’s so easy for me to fall
in love
head over heels
dramatically
[platonically]
asking for your heart
opening myself up to let you in
welcoming all of you
beauty
faults
talents
salt
my compassion
for your passion
is limitless
but the minute someone says
‘i’ve made a place for you
in my heart,
please come and tell me
of your dreams and nightmares,
your goals and your regrets,
i want to know all of you
i welcome all of you,
beauty
faults
talent
salt…’
i feel the air
absent
instantaneous
my figurative feet frozen
flipping from fight to flight
forever
heart pounding
knees shaking
voice quaking
why can’t i just let myself,
my already fully opened self,
receive what i’ve already given?
why am i always at a precipice
of giving myself over
surrendering myself to others
and never taking that necessary
step/leap/plunge?
i want to
so badly,
but my entire nervous system
screams against it.
so that the minute i take
the minutest step
towards letting someone
see
me—
the minute they don’t follow
100% of my expectations—
i use that as proof
that i never should have trusted in the first place
and that adds one more minute
on the precipice
between giving and receiving,
loving and pushing away
trusting and unjustly feeling so betrayed
that already the freeze feels like an eternity…
someday
it will be
dealing with
A Thing™
emotions crashing against my walls
like tidal waves
tsunamis
of bitterness
resentment
betrayal
confusion
trust issues at it once more
and i just want to act
to do my best with my art
and i hope i can feel my ocean
while still remaining true to myself
and my scene partner
and the scene we’ve put together
but what happens
when you always come back
to feeling
just
a little bit
abandoned?
kipventures 