sharing
is caring
but sometimes sharing doesn’t come
up right away, and needs years of
establishing trust and instincts and
rapport and a shared understanding of the world
sometimes sharing
needs to come after miles and miles of other
sharing
sometimes sharing doesn’t happen until
you’ve been married nearly
ten years
when i show friends
these words
there is an unspoken trust
and an irrational fear
the trust is to read
the fear is that they
have read
but the fear is also
of breaking of trust
that i am still somehow
too much
and not enough
too many poems
not enough time
in our society
that has no reason or rhyme
for when you’re allowed to just sit
and ponder poetry
and when you have to be hustling
because with self-care culture
relaxation has become another side hustle
and being in the moment
is simply a competition
to see who does it
‘right’
but i digress
and am getting ahead of myself
(or really, beside,
because i’m not sure where this poem
was trying to align itself
to begin with)
whenever i show
a friend
a loved one
this here poetry blog
i am both terrified
that they’ll read it
and terrified
that they won’t
maybe i should publish
the first year
just so new folks
have context
for the rest of this
craziness
spirituality is getting
a doctorate
in yourself
but it’s emotional
it’s trust
it’s gut feelings and it’s hard choices
it’s things you can’t study and memorize and analyze
it’s just you and faith
faith in self
faith in humanity
faith in the earth/universe/the bigger whatever
and how can i write
poem after poem after poem
(the emotional writing craft)
but not have gotten any closer
to the self
i keep
in my
gut
?
if my connection to the universe
shows itself in
gut-feelings
and pre-physical-incident indications
and i can analyze those
to near-death
because i am so damn
analytical
then maybe, if i stop the overthinking
(or at least cut it down
as much as possible)
could my connection show itself
in other ways?
if i’m still getting the connection(s)
at my most evidence-needed/
over-thinking/
super-agnostic/
self,
what would happen if/when
i just
trust?
it’s so easy for me to fall
in love
head over heels
dramatically
[platonically]
asking for your heart
opening myself up to let you in
welcoming all of you
beauty
faults
talents
salt
my compassion
for your passion
is limitless
but the minute someone says
‘i’ve made a place for you
in my heart,
please come and tell me
of your dreams and nightmares,
your goals and your regrets,
i want to know all of you
i welcome all of you,
beauty
faults
talent
salt…’
i feel the air
absent
instantaneous
my figurative feet frozen
flipping from fight to flight
forever
heart pounding
knees shaking
voice quaking
why can’t i just let myself,
my already fully opened self,
receive what i’ve already given?
why am i always at a precipice
of giving myself over
surrendering myself to others
and never taking that necessary
step/leap/plunge?
i want to
so badly,
but my entire nervous system
screams against it.
so that the minute i take
the minutest step
towards letting someone
see
me—
the minute they don’t follow
100% of my expectations—
i use that as proof
that i never should have trusted in the first place
and that adds one more minute
on the precipice
between giving and receiving,
loving and pushing away
trusting and unjustly feeling so betrayed
that already the freeze feels like an eternity…
someday
it will be
don’t be scared,
be you.
don’t be safe,
be you.
don’t overthink,
trust your instincts,
be you.
this seems like positive,
encouraging,
enlightening
advice
on the surface
but then my
[overthinking]
brain
turns it all on its head
again
aren’t the scared/
safe
parts
part of me,
too?
is it just another
nature vs. nurture?
how i was born
vs.
what the trauma turned me into?
what do i do
who can i be?
i contain multitudes
it’s why acting
so why can’t i trust the multitudes
within me?
trust
let go
surrender and embrace
mantras and manifestations are weird:
to fully believe them
isn’t necessarily to
fully believe them;
it’s to throw them out into the universe
and trust
trust
trust
that they will come back
(and to trust
trust
trust
that you’ll be there,
fully,
to catch what returns)
finding the perfect music station
is an art
(one i’m not nearly as familiar with
as my spouse)
and so when i’m doing my morning pages/poems
without them
(because sleep is a necessity)
and have to find some morning tunes
on my own
i never land on
what i initially think i’ll land on…
at least there’s coffee.
~~~
so hungry
but i’m not used to eating while writing
i eat and suddenly i want
passive entertainment
it seems this old dog needs to learn a couple new tricks
~~~
if i leave
and come back
will i keep the thread of morning poetry?
~~~
fed,
caffeinated,
[not yet watered],
and i feel so much better able to
really get into these here morning page poems
is this what i *should* be doing each morning?
instead of simply sipping coffee
and waiting until after i write to eat my breakfast?
or is this simply a daily thing
that changes around
and adjusts
as my own outlook
and mood
and level of tiredness
adjusts
day
by
day
by
day
?
~~~
i mean, if i’m going to be writing a million small poems
(and by a million, let’s be honest and say probably six)
might as well just
truly
go for it.
~~~
the nerves are starting to settle in
about class later on today
(this is why i enjoyed having a circus class prior to acting class
yes, i never got to nap,
but i also never spent half the day worrying about/obsessing over my performance)
i like how our teacher sets up the class
you perform, and then she asks what goals you had for that particular scene or monologue
and this week i’m simply hoping to continue the work
that suddenly broke free two weeks ago.
i want to breathe into the monologue,
i want to be in the moment,
and i want to use my own self-loathing
to create art
instead of beating myself down all the time.
and yes, the ultimate goal is health
and possibly, someday, not constantly feeling like the most worthless hunk of flesh on the planet,
but while that’s what it’s like in my brain,
might as well be honest
and use it to connect with this character i’ve been [not so secretly] wanting to play for ages,
and maybe if i can connect while i’m in the throes of
not-so-great mental health
maybe that means i can find my way in
when i am in a healthier mental state
remember the physical sensations
without being too harsh…
maybe?
but today isn’t about how to get there down the road
that’s not the goal today;
it’s to be in the present
to breathe into the moment
to know that i have all this inside me
and relax
and trust
and simply let myself shine through.
kipventures 