writing my feelings away
while trying not to feel them
will never work,
but i have to drive hours and hours and hours today
maybe even through the rain
and it’ll be dangerous to do that with
tears in my eyes as well,
so i’ll try to express what i can express
and leave the true unpacking and analyzing
and feeling
for another day.
travel
August 17, 2024
it’s the morning
of the last full day
of our trip
and i can’t help but
feel some sort of way
August 15, 2024
i don’t know if this trip
will make me want to move back,
but it is definitely making me
want to visit at least once
every year
for realzies
August 14, 2024
driving past places
i’ve driven past
hundreds of times
and to see so many
unchanged
still there
on that road
made me feel
almost like i’m unchanged
and i’m still the me
from five years ago
living in madison
living for the now
and the potential
to make it as an actor
in nyc
what was i placed on this planet to be?
August 13, 2024
it’s only tuesday
though i feel the week falling away from me
it’s only tuesday
and there are still people i have to see
i have to see
who haven’t yet made plans to see me
it’s only tuesday
and i keep second guessing when to reach out
to other friends
to plan out
how to meet
it’s only tuesday
and madison is a lazy summer town,
a last-minute plans
when plans suddenly line up
and nights are made bright
and lasting memories
sidle up with the present
kind of tiny city
so i need to remind myself
it’s only tuesday
it’s only tuesday
August 12, 2024
the double take of everyone
seeing me at a party full of madison circus folk;
the “ah, yes, hj is here.”
and then
“wait! hj is here!?!”
was delightful
and though i do feel a little guilty
for being less than communicative
about this trip
and planning next to nothing,
i do appreciate
how beautifully the first day
embraced my entrance
with spontaneity
and perfect timing
[and i have a premonition
that the last day will be similar
but with the theatre friends
instead]
[i suppose my advice to anyone
traveling back to a place they once
lived, is to make sure it just so happens
to take place over the time of
important and casual parties
for your former social circles,
because you get to see all the faces
without trying to schedule everyone in
and then maybe, in a week or two, send a
huge thank you card
to the hosts of said parties
because the appreciation that
that all worked out will carry you into
the next
few
years]
August 11, 2024
back
where i discovered so much about myself
back
to see the people i love
back
but the air is already colder than i’d like
back
and simply awaiting what awaits us
August 10, 2024
traveling
and writing
only really works
when you’re not the one
driving
August 9, 2024
just before
a big trip
the anticipation
the nerves
the excitement
the hours and hours of ‘what to do’
audiobooks
and d&d style games
and maybe just chatting
and maybe singing with musicals
and maybe
just maybe
the animals will connect
the way we usually do
on long car trips
July 13, 2024
organizing, hoping, working, planning
i’m waffling between excitement and dread
but the dread is the minutiae, the details, the prep
the excitement is the visit, the fun, the experiences
and how much time will i end up spending at Umami?