we are now at the state
of being home around a week
i’m getting farther and farther away from
being able to say
“i just got back from Europe”
i’m soon going to have to use terms like
“recently”
and then “last month”
and “earlier this year”
i just want to keep saying “just”
it helps with the fact that
my brain is still 100%
in Europe
my shirt
still kind of smells
like all the memories
made
in Europe
unfortunately
it’s all the mundane
or slightly grungy memories
that this scent evokes
walking and walking and walking
in shirts i’d already maybe worn twice
mixing sweat with deodorant
with sunscreen
with city
i washed this shirt well
put it through an extra rinse and everything
i guess when a trip gets into the fibers of clothing
it’s sort of like a city getting into your own bones
it just won’t go
away on its own
how come i am so hyper-aware
of every moment in time
and how they will become memories
in the next moment
so much so that, even trying to experience them, i am often thinking
fifteen minutes[at least] into the future
i feel like i was barely in the moment
of looking forward to this trip
and only in it
for half a second
and now i’m back
and looking back on
experiences i know took time to have
but now they live only in my
memory
i understood very little Greek
in Greece
and a fair amount of French
in France
but the Spanish sounds so fast
in Spain
and Portuguese, to my ears, is nearly Russian
in Portugal
i keep just wanting to speak in French
because it’s the only language i’ve been able to even start to grasp
but most folks here understand English fine
[i just don’t actually want to be associated
with that damn country
of mine]
i am going to miss the stunningly azure-blue sky
of Greece
everywhere we went, not a cloud in the sky
seemed like some sort of paradise
[though maybe not for someone as pale-skinned as myself]
i had a recovered memory
[though i still don’t know where it was from]
of dancing [something akin to the] traditional Greek dances
at some other point in my life
perhaps it was a production of fiddler
with well researched cultural expositions
or perhaps a bat mitzvah i attended once
or something else i can’t even remember the context of
but everything felt so familiar
when trying it for the first time
my life has been so filled with experiences outside my own day-to-day
and i so appreciate life that way
leaving my phone in my pocket
in order to experience all the culture coming at me
the dressing
the kissing
the shaving
the hugging
the loving
the familial bonds
and the invitation to observe
felt
so sincere and lovely
and the explanations for why
even more so
learning all the cultural traditions
as we watched
[and listened]
[and eventually joined in]
even the alcohol was more refreshing in Greece
i didn’t take many photos on this trip
and i can’t tell if that was thought out
like ‘i want it to feel as though
this isn’t a special trip
it’s just like i still live here
still work here
still live and breathe this tiny bubble of a city’
or if it was a lucky happenstance
of ‘i’m having so much fun
catching up
being with these lovely people
once more, i didn’t even think of
taking a photo
to solidify this moment in time’
but either way
the few photos i have are special
but don’t have the people in them
i wish they had
but i still have the memories
of all the time i spent with
everyone
and i miss them all already
driving past places
i’ve driven past
hundreds of times
and to see so many
unchanged
still there
on that road
made me feel
almost like i’m unchanged
and i’m still the me
from five years ago
living in madison
living for the now
and the potential
to make it as an actor
in nyc
what was i placed on this planet to be?
the tears
come in waves
like the grey/white/foam
the boat rocking
our grief
and joy
and stress
and discomfort
and we simply wish to be
together.
kipventures 