evening poems
while william shatner
tells me all the unexplained mysteries
i should care about
but i simply
don’t
~~~
big yawns
and split-up sleep
and hopefully getting
the cat to eat
or take her meds
at least
[almost done with this trip
and i’m so excited to sleep
in my own bed
once again]
~~~
but seeing people has been absolutely lovely —
i wouldn’t exchange that
for anything
[even eight uninterrupted hours]
stress dreams about travel
and hotel stays
and alarm systems
and cats
and i am still so tired
and though i don’t want to go back into the dream
[admittedly, there was some kind of mystery
i would have liked to figure out]
the desire to go back to sleep
after eating some sort of breakfast
and playing some sort of game
is so strong
i’m letting myself write myself tired
rather than write myself
awake
the panic had receded
slightly
right around the trip
[maybe it’s because
i was travel-stressed
so i had no room in me
for any other stressors]
[maybe it was just the magic
of a trip
of a visit
to people i love]
whatever it was, i even felt less
the stress
of coming back here — opportunities seemed
gettable
achievable
doable
and i felt like i could march right in
to anywhere
and at least ask for what i want with my life
but now that i’m back
the existential dread has set right back in —
i barely had a day and a half
before i was sad
and panic-ridden
and overwhelmed
and lonely
in this city of millions and millions and millions
and yet i love it here
and it is definitely home
and i ache for it when i leave
how do you do this, nyc?
it’s only tuesday
though i feel the week falling away from me
it’s only tuesday
and there are still people i have to see
i have to see
who haven’t yet made plans to see me
it’s only tuesday
and i keep second guessing when to reach out
to other friends
to plan out
how to meet
it’s only tuesday
and madison is a lazy summer town,
a last-minute plans
when plans suddenly line up
and nights are made bright
and lasting memories
sidle up with the present
kind of tiny city
so i need to remind myself
it’s only tuesday
it’s only tuesday
organizing, hoping, working, planning
i’m waffling between excitement and dread
but the dread is the minutiae, the details, the prep
the excitement is the visit, the fun, the experiences
and how much time will i end up spending at Umami?
who really is
good
at goodbyes?
~~~
when i visit new places
i associate certain parts of them
with places i’ve been before
“this area reminds me of the east side of Madison”
“this one gives me big Toronto energy”
“well, this is like if Milwaukee and Cleveland had a baby…”
on and on,
until i see something truly unique,
or i’ve been there long enough
to associate it with itself.
~~~
stomach aches
is it packing stress?
is it travel anxiety?
is it getting back into the “real” world?
or is it the apprehension of expectation for more adventure
now that we’re both vaccinated and activated?
kipventures 