seeing my
[zombie]/[dead] name
doesn’t necessarily bring me pain
it’s really just the expectation of
family
or spam mail of each variety
[either way, i kind of just roll my eyes
and get on with my day]
seeing my
[zombie]/[dead] name
doesn’t necessarily bring me pain
it’s really just the expectation of
family
or spam mail of each variety
[either way, i kind of just roll my eyes
and get on with my day]
theorizing
contemplating
mind-experimenting
camp
villains
trans
queer-coded
self-determination
everything’s a performance
let’s just have all the fun we can
[and someday tell our own stories
out
loud]
i feel so sick
and sick & tired
of Visibility being a trap
instead of the freedom it feels like inside
i cry
and march
and shout
and educate
and give
and sign
and send
and plead
but it will never lead
to anything
if they don’t see us
as worthy
i’m safe
here
in my own Visibility
but i can’t help
but feel
for those in
tennessee
and texas
and arkansas
and mississippi
and south carolina
and virginia
and wyoming
and oklahoma
and washington
and south dakota
and kentucky
and…looking at the maps, i think i could say every state
minus my own home
and it would be true
how can the land of the free
be the land of the only free to be
cis/straight/able-bodied/male
…oh, of course, because that’s how it has always been
and money will always weigh more than
anyone’s life or livelihood
protect Trans kids
protect all kids
because at this point
who knows who gets to be an adult
unless they are literally
a gun.
a dreary
rainy
new year’s eve
no big celebration
but maybe that’s what we need
to look at the past
and get excited for the future
and chill in the house with crafts and puzzles
writing reviews
picking poetry
performing
later
as long as i’m with my Kip
i’m happy
[though i’d be extra enthused
if next year we continued
our old tradition
of out-of-the-country travel
for the holiday times]
so long, 2022
[come see me bid farewell to the year with some poetry of my own via Zoom at 7pm Eastern:
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/new-years-eve-they-them-mayhem-tickets-419529813967 ]
maybe i
will continue to buy
certain girly styles
just to get the high i get
by giving away the things
i rarely wear
to trans-femmes early in their transitions
gender affirming wear
from gender diverse friends—
giving gives me so many fantastic feels
there is a relief
from being friends
with trans folks
i never have to worry
if they talk about me
what pronouns would be used
if there would be eye-rolls at a a correction
it’s just nice
to know
i’m respected
i wrote a snarky poem
for Trans Week of Awareness
telling y’all to be aware of me:
my gender, chaotic
my joy, revolutionary.
and still i talked about our siblings who are silenced
through legislation
through societal constraints
through direct, abhorrent violence–
but for an act so violent
to be what wakes me up
on Trans Day of Remembrance…
it just feels too
too
too too
much
i have no conclusion to this poem
Stop
Killing
Us.
to write
or not to write
on this day
of performing
my own poetry
live
for the very first time
that sure is the question
~~~
can coffee
really do for my creativity
what it already does for my
comfort
and
awake-ness
and routine-building?
~~~
Oven Puppy
appears in reflections
all over our walk
and the puppy
(our puppy, Computer the Puppy)
wants to know:
is Oven Puppy nice?
how did Oven Puppy even get into our oven?
why does Oven Puppy always mimic Computer’s movements/
barks/
danger tail-poof?
how did Oven Puppy get inside the college windows at night?
and will Oven Puppy ever come out to play?
——————————————————————
The show is today, virtual, 2pm Eastern, and free
for tickets: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/321018253237
on pumping myself up (and all that entails) :
you can do it!
[i can do it]
the coffee will help!
[but it’s not a necessity,
because i can do it on my own!]
yes, you can do it all on your own!
just go into the thing, and change the other thing
[very specific of you]
thank you.
but for realz, who cares if anyone gets upset?
it’s your name
your identity
what makes you feel good/
gender euphoric/
most yourself
[and if i run into another issue
about ‘how names should be formatted’?]
well, then, that’s the patriarchy,
and your know what we do to the patriarchy…
[burn it down!?!]
burn it down!!!
…but also, logistics/red tape/maybe a strongly worded letter
[mmm, strongly worded letters…]
much better than politely worded letters, don’t you think?
a way to get out your ire &
not to freak out about the writing of an email
because it needn’t be perfect,
but it must be passionate
[but what if they don’t believe me
because it’s not perfect?
or what if the person who gets the email
believes the same as i do
and i ruin their day
because not only did they get ire
all sent towards themself,
they also can’t do anything
about it
and that makes them feel worse???]
…
i mean, we don’t even know if we need to write a strongly worded letter
yet,
first we need to try to do the thing
and i feel like
both this poem
and the overthinking
are ways to avoid
just doing the thing;
staying complacent
in this quite simple and adjustable lot in life
so…?
are we gonna do it?
[…
…
…yes?]
yes!
do it!!
you can!!!
[update:
i did it!
it was easy
but then…
memories!?!?
ugh, the social medias…]
ugh…
they say
not to judge
because you never know
what someone
might be going through
but i’d adjust that
ever so slightly
to say
don’t judge someone
because you never know what someone
might be going
or still be going
through
because
there may be some
who
if you know their current life
well
they could bee going through
a whole ton
of good
but still
their mind is trying
to make sense
of a hardship
that happened
years and years before;
whether because
childhood trauma tends to stunt
the receiver
at that age
until healing can fully
occur,
or because they may have gone through
a whole ton of shit
at once
and they needed to only unpack
one traumatic suitcase
at a time
so now’s the time
to look into
not only what happened
so long ago
but also what holding on to it
for so long
made them feel,
or maybe they simply have never gotten
the help
(professional or otherwise)
they needed
to get through that thing.
so i suppose what i’m trying to say
is don’t judge other people.
that being said,
i offer love and compassion
to a point–
i don’t really care how many traumas you
were exposed to
at whatever age,
if you start taking your rage
out on folks
who have less than you,
who your power holds
a tight strangle-hold over,
and you don’t offer them
the compassion i’m offering you,
that offer is rescinded.
and keep your damn legislation
off of the backs
of Black,
Indigenous
folks,
people of color,
especially those who you deem ‘lesser than’
because they can
create life inside,
and especially
especially
get your laws away
from trans folks,
particularly trans children,
who are just trying to survive
in this life
that could be a joy
if you’d just let it.
and of course
maybe, just maybe, let us
have some healthy Earth
to give to future generations.